Is Trump Happier Hugging a Flag than a Person?
Last week, when footage circulated of Donald Trump emotionally hugging an American flag at a Florida rally, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and Jimmy Kimmel all made jokes about it. (Late-night hat trick!) But it turns out this was hardly the first time Trump has rubbed up against Old Glory: SPY found pictures from two earlier rallies during his campaign in which he also grabbed flags by the stripeys. And a careful study of these photos reveals that there's more than mere patriotic pandering going on: When he's on stage and he takes these flags in his tiny hands, his face is filled with far more uncomplicated joy than when he is forced to make physical contact with actual supporters. (Note: This comparison only holds when in public and when rubbing up against sixes and under.)
March 3, Detroit Republican debate
Forced to shake hands with rival Ted Cruz at a March Republican debate, he can not even bear to make eye contact. Lyin' Ted's blatantly needy desire to make friends burns his skin. Loser!
June 11, Tampa rally
Flags never need anything from you. They never make eye contact, and they know their place and would never challenge you. Keep on knowing your place, flag, and Trump will never be forced to retweet someone who calls Betsy Ross an uggo.
July 29, Colorado Springs rally
There's a reason "big baby" is an insult: Because babies are the worst. Nothing but fifteen pounds of poop and germs zipped into a squirming skin sack. And if one of those baby tears drips onto his watch and shorts out the mechanism, he'll slap 'em with a lawsuit before you can say "goo."
Aug. 19, Derry, NH rally
Flags never cry, poop or drool on you. You don't need Kellyanne passing you the Purell bucket after you hold a flag. Plus, you never need to learn a flag's name. Man, Melania really kept after him on that whole Darron thing. Barson? Barry? It was something like that.
April 17, Staten Island, NY
And then there are the everyday rubes whose hands he's supposed to shake at every damn event. The sheer number of germs boggle the mind. That's why he just gives them the fingertips: There's no way he's going straight palm-to-palm with these unwashed saps.
Oct. 24, Tampa rally
No worries about picking up some low-class disease from a flag. They're supposed to burn an American flag if it even touches the ground, let alone touches the flusher of a Sunoco-station toilet. C'mere flag, you sterile symbol, you.
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