'The Masked Singer' explains it all: Two '90s teen actresses revealed

The Lamp and Dandelion compete on 'The Masked Singer' Season 9. (Photos: Fox)
The Lamp and Dandelion compete on 'The Masked Singer' Season 9. (Photos: Fox)

It was an even more spacey night than usual on The Masked Singer Wednesday, when Season 9 hosted its bonkers “Masked Singer in Space Night.” Probably the most awesome thing that happened was when Rovi the Rover wheeled out to Styx’s “Mr. Roboto,” which seriously should replace the Who’s “Who Are You” as the series’ new reveal theme. Not to dis the Who, of course, but “Mr. Roboto” feature these actual lines: “The time has come at last/To throw away this mask/Now everyone can see/My true identity!” So, how did it take nine seasons for this song to be on The Masked Singer? Did Fox have trouble clearing it with Dennis DeYoung or something?

Anyway, when the time had come at last for this week’s two eliminees, dethroned reigning champ the Dandelion and quickly extinguished new contender the Lamp, to throw away their masks, it turned out that neither of them was Kilroy. (Kilroy, Kilroy, Kilroy…) And I have to say, the Dandelion did a fantastic job at hiding her true identity. (Secret-secret, she had a secret...)

Last week, based solely on the clues, I thought the Dandelion might be Renée Zellweger. Based on the voice, I was sure it was Vanessa Williams — as was pretty much the entire internet. (A clip uploaded to YouTube ahead of the Dandelion’s debut was deluged with Vanessa guesses, and #VanessaWilliams immediately trended on Twitter during last week’s episode.) This week, the judges thought this fluffy flower child could be Sara Bareilles, Milla Jovovich, or Zendaya. But surprisingly, only chronic wrong guesser Ken Jeong boldly went where no judges went before… and figured out that this was Dune actress Alicia Witt.

While Ken was amazed by Alicia’s supposedly “hidden” talent — she even played piano during her performance of Muse’s “Starlight,” something only one other contestant, David Foster, had ever done on The Masked Singer — it’s really not such a secret-secret that Alicia is a “real recording artist.” A musical prodigy who cut her chops playing piano at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel in the ‘90s, she has also performed music on Nashville and Hallmark’s Christmas Tree Lane, and has released one EP and two albums, the most recent being 2021’s The Conduit. Granted, Alicia is no Matt Bellamy — few singers are really at that level — so covering Muse was ultimately her undoing this week. But if the Ding Dong Keep It on Bell hadn’t been “decommissioned” last Wednesday, after Robin Thicke squandered it on novelty singer the Mantis, she may have been granted a reprieve this week.

As for the Lamp, she confessed that she was terrified to sing in public, but with a lampshade on her head, she glowed with all the confidence of a drunk at space party, and she delivered a performance of the Bananarama-popularized Shocking Blue hit “Venus” that Robin said “lit up the stage.” But she was still no match for this week’s new champ, the UFO, during Wednesday’s Battle Royale of “Rocket Man,” so at the end of the night, the shade came off. The judges had been “feeling that ‘90s vibe” from the Lamp and guessed teen dreams like Alyssa Milano, Neve Campbell, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Tara Reid, Ali Larter, or Hilary Duff, but only Jenny McCarthy-Wahlberg explained it all and figured out this was Clarissa/Sabrina herself, Melissa Joan Hart. I suppose dressing as a witch or black cat, or doing the Redd Kross-popularized Bewitched song “Blow You a Kiss in the Wind,” would have been too obvious — but Melissa’s cauldron clue was a big tip-off.

So, that left “natural star” the UFO, who lamentably did not sing a song by British prog band UFO, but fared well covering “Yellow” by Coldplay. Despite her own nervousness, she showcased a nice smoky tone and seemed like a real artist herself. So, now that we have a new Masked Singer reigning planet queen — one with “Queen Victoria” as a clue — it’s time to make some guesses. Who is the UFO?

Among Wednesday’s other clues were a mention of “New England,” an “I Heart IT” bumper sticker, a sewing machine, a fashion runway, a tiara, “several sister [space]ships,” the initials “GG,” and an insistence that the UFO is not just a “model plane.” She also said she’s “not just known in America, but the whole galaxy.” The judges thought this might be someone from a famous fashionista family, like Kendall Jenner or David Foster’s ex-stepdaughter, Gigi (“GG”) Hadid. But I’ve scoured the internet for any evidence that either of those ladies can sing well enough to win a Battle Royale or handle a big Elton power ballad, and all that comes up are Lip-Sync Battle and Carpool Karaoke clips. I think Robin’s guess — that the UFO is second-generation supermodel Kaia Gerber, daughter of Cindy Crawford — is more likely, since Kara does have some known musical talent. But I actually think this singing cyclops is Gigi’s friend and another Victoria’s Secret starlet. (Secret-secret, she’s got a secret….)

I think this planet queen is supermodel, Suicide Squad superheroine, and Planet Sex with Cara Delevingne host… Cara Delevingne. Cara can actually carry a tune and has intermittently pursued a side-hustle music career (hear the audio evidence here, here, here, and here); she’s a British “IT”-girl, representing the “new” guard in England; and her older sister, Poppy, is also a fashion model. Plus, get a load of those lashes on this green-eyed, one-eyed monster — they’re about as thick and fringy as Cara’s out-of-this-world, world-famous brows.

There’s no new Masked Singer episode next week, so we’ll have to wait a bit for the eyebrow-raising quarterfinals, and to find out the true identity of the UFO and her fellow Season 9 quarterfinalists: the Medusa (probably Bishop Briggs or Fergie), the California Roll (definitely Pentatonix), the Macaw (definitely David Archuleta), the Mantis (a veteran comedian/actor whose voice I can’t quite place), and the Gargoyle (some sort of sports dude, which means I have no idea). Watch this… space.

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