Warning: This recap of the June 6 episode of The Bachelorette contains spoilers.
Greetings Bachelor Nation! Are you ready for the semi-annual endurance test known and the back-to-back episodes week? I’ve got to conserve my strength, so no more idle chit-chat, let’s get to it.
We open on Casa Bachelorette, still filthy from the cocktail party the night before, where the hungover guys are waking up to the unfortunate reality that Chad is still among them. Into this McMansion of misery walks Harrison; he drops off the card for the first one-on-one date (it goes to Chase) and then heads back outside to clean up the mess those darn kids made the night before.
Meanwhile, JoJo and Chase meet up for their date, which happens to be a yoga class with a lady named Hemalayaa Behl. She promises them an “intimate journey” — and those of us who watched last season of Bachelor in Paradise are already fully prepared for the awkwardness.
Indeed, Hemalayaa directs Chase and JoJo to do pelvic thrusts while grunting, and then puts them through a “tantrum” exercise that should result in what she calls an “anger-gasm.” It sure doesn’t look like yoga, but Team Bachelorette wanted an awkward date — and God bless her, Hemalayaa delivered.
We interrupt this recap for a homoerotic montage of Daniel and Chad working out back at the house.
Aaand we’re back. Over dinner, Chase and JoJo — who already got the first kiss out of the way while doing Yab-Yum pose back in yoga class — share their feelings about marriage (yay!) and divorce (boo!). JoJo feels like she’s heard enough, so she gives Chase the rose — and it’s on to the first private concert of the season.
Time for the group date, starring Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Tiny Marine, and Chad. Things get tense even before the date begins, as all the guys are pissed at Chad from the night before when he said he’d rather skip the group date and go on a one-on-one date instead. (I mean, not for nothing but don’t they all feel that way? Yes, sure, but this is The Bachelorette, and the rest of the guys know that Thou Shalt Not Take the Group Date Opportunity in Vain.) Anyhow, things got pretty heated: First Chad barked at Evan to “stop talking,” and then Jordan joked aloud that Chad better hope the date activity is “a bench press competition, not a spelling contest.”
No, the meathead is not amused, and he goes from zero to ‘roid rage in about 2.3 seconds. “You’re a 27-year-old failed football player,” he sneers. “You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.” Things escalate from there, with Tiny Marine and Chad calling each other a “piece of s**” and a “p***y,” respectively. “Boy, this is awkward,” mutters one of the guys with a nervous chuckle. Where’s Pauly the bodyguard when you need him?
The next day, they pull up to the Atwater Village Theater to meet the Bachelorette, who coyly refuses to tell the guys what they’ll be doing on their date, and instead leads them inside to watch… a woman making orgasm noises into a microphone?
Welcome to “Sex Talks,” a show that’s all about listening to strangers reveal their “deepest, darkest sexual secrets.” Strangers and, of course, the Bachelorette guys. You ready, Chad?
Evan the ED specialist, though, is feeling great. “It’s like another day at the office for me,” he quips. And more importantly, it’s a chance to mock the Meathead. “I’m going to tell a story that relates to Chad,” he reveals giddily. “I just want to mess with him.” Naturally, we have to sit through quite a few stories before we get to Evan’s: Grant got busted by the cops while losing his virginity to a girl in a park when he was 16; Daniel bound a woman to a bed and cut off a lock of her hair (!); Wells maybe ripped a huge fart during a threesome… and then there’s Saint Nick.
Let us never speak of this again.
At last it’s time for Evan, who offers a “cautionary tale” about “the dangers of using steroids.” While we don’t hear him talk about how steroids can shrink a guy’s testicles and make it harder for him to get it up, Evan does note that juicing can cause “irritability” and the tendency to call the girl you like “naggy.”
Meathead to the Max does NOT love it, and when Evan returns to his seat Chad nearly rips the shirt right off his back. For his “performance,” Chad tries to mack on JoJo in front of everyone, but she gives him the last-minute head turn..
This only stokes The Chad’s wrath, and he storms backstage and unleashes his rage — first on an unsuspecting door and then on Evan’s throat.
One would think The Bachelorette would have a zero tolerance approach to physical violence — especially when it’s followed by this chilling statement: "If I can’t lift weights I’m gonna murder someone.“ Even Daniel is exhorting his partner-in-powerlifting to chill the eff out: "Let’s not get physical here, you know?” But again Pauly does not arrive to escort The Chad out, so I guess it’s time for the after-date cocktail party.
Jordan gets to the Bachelorette first, and he knows he’s got to be “vulnerable” if he wants a shot with JoJo — but to be honest I stopped listening after that because I was just so mesmerized by the height of his hair.
Like, for real, how does he do that? Is there a blow-dryer involved? Do you think it feels crunchy or like a marshmallow pillow covered in soft chinchilla fur? So many questions… Team Bachelorette speeds through the rest of JoJo’s chat so we can get straight to the main event: “He said, He said starring Evan and Chad.”
Things don’t start off very well for meathead. First, he tries to interrupt the Bachelorette’s chat with Saint Nick, but JoJo is not having it. “He just sat down,” she informs him, before dismissing him with a terse “Thank you.” When Chad lurks just around the corner, whistling, she and Nick simply walk out of the room to have their conversation somewhere else. Meathead slinks back to the holding room with the other guys, and proceeds to tell Vinny that he only ripped Evan’s shirt because Evan tried to “push [him] over” when he went to sit down. “It’s like he’s been bullied his entire life, and now he feels like I’m the one guy — like, 'I’m gonna finally stand up to the guy.’” Classic blame the victim response!
That said, Evan does, for some ungodly reason, keep poking the angry, 'roided out bear. “Hey Chad. Why are you here?” he asks. “You owe me an apology and a shirt, because you ripped my freakin’ shirt.” Hey Captain ED, it might be time to take the meathead’s advice and just stay away.
When the time finally comes for Chad to sit down with JoJo, he looks and sounds to be about 7 rage-whiskeys in. “When it came to the date today, I was like, 'I’d rather just chill,’” he slurs. “I was like, 'I’ll just wait for her to, like, ask me tomorrow.” JoJo, who simply can’t believe what she’s hearing, gently points out that he might not have received an invitation tomorrow… but Chad is sure he knows the Bachelorette better than she knows herself.
When JoJo asks Chad to explain what went down with Evan, he gives that whole “he tried to push me” spiel, and then tellingly refers to himself as “the bully.” And she does NOT love it. “Don’t’ be a bully!” she cries with a slight giggle. Sure, that’ll totally work. Evan shrewdly comes to interrupt, which makes the Chad very angry. He huffs off, muttering under his breath about how lame Evan is.
While Chad stops to have a conversation with someone he loves — his own reflection in a mirror — Evan wastes no time telling JoJo that he hasn’t been “as strong” as he could have been during “this process.” But that stops now: “I’m not going to stay here if he stays here.” Whoa, buddy! You really think you’re in a position to be throwing around ultimatums? JoJo may not want to spend her life with a bulked-out rage monster, but she also won’t want to marry a dude who’s gonna take his toys and go home any time he doesn’t get his way.
Whatever will JoJo do? Date rose in hand, the Bachelorette announces to the group that she cannot hand it out until she talks to Evan privately. But just when it seems like she’s going to kick him to the curb — “I have loved getting to know you…” — instead she gives Evan the rose on the condition that he doesn’t make her promise to send Chad home. Of course he accepts. “My kids are going to be so excited to know that I got the rose!” he gushes, adding this creepy coda: “'Boys guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!’”
Chad’s face, upon seeing his rival return with the rose, is priceless.
And he’s sure as hell not going to take this outrage quietly. As JoJo’s giving the standard “I appreciate you all so much” and “this is the hard part” speech to the rest of the guys, Chad stares daggers at her until he gets her attention. “Is this real?” he bellows. “You’re actually right now vibin’ this dude?” As a matter of fact she is, Meathead, and she doesn’t appreciate your “disrespectful” behavior. “I don’t like this side of you,” she snaps. Tiny Marine, on the other hand, could not be happier.
Over breakfast the next morning, all the dudes are talking about how unsafe they feel around Chad. Enter this guy:
I wonder if he’s being paid in lunchmeat? Anyhow, while Chad and Co. sleep under the watchful eye of a security guard, James T. and JoJo are all dolled up in their best 40s duds and prepared to “kick it old-school,” as per the date card. Upon arriving at the Culver Hotel, James and JoJo come upon a fantabulous old lady (and well-known swing dancer) named Jean Veloz who’s going to do her darndest to teach them to dance. Even though James has two left feet, JoJo doesn’t mind because “his energy and his positivity is so attractive.”
After the lesson they head outside, where a bunch of professional swing dancers in period costumes just happen to be hoofing it to live music out on the plaza. They start dancing and are having fun, but JoJo isn’t quite sure she’s feeling her curly-haired suitor. “Tonight I just want to see if James and I can break through that friendship that we have,” she says. “I want to move it into something more romantic.” Oh gurl, if you have to try to make it romantic, it ain’t gonna happen. Though she probably knows that in her heart, JoJo hands James T. after he reveals that he was teased as a kid for his long neck and has felt ugly ever since.
Meanwhile, back at Casa Bachelorette, Daniel is trying to break up with Chad — who, by the way, is eating a sweet potato that he may or may not have just dug up from the ground with his bare hands.
“The more I talk to you, the more I get dragged down [into] your negativity,” explains Daniel. “Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler. If I’m friends with you…”
“Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler!” protests Chad. This goes back and forth for a while until Daniel advises his ravenous friend to take it down a few notches, from Hitler to, say, George W. Bush. Solid advice, bro.
The afternoon before the rose ceremony, Harrison arrives with a Very Important Announcement.
But just when you think we’re about to be treated to/assaulted with 5 minutes of bikini-and-six-pack footage, Evan chases after Harrison and corners him outside.
The host assures Evan that the show takes violence “very serious,” and there’s no need to worry: “I’ll step in.” And step in he does, pulling Chad outside for a “private” talk by the pool. “It’s come to my attention that there’s been some violence, threats of violence,” he intones gravely. Furthermore, “A lot of the guys have mentioned you’re on steroids.” But Chad pooh-poohs that accusation. “There’s no way I could have broughten them with me anyway,” he says. “It’s not possible.”
Oof, a grown man saying “broughten.” That one hurts.
The guys inside are all silently praying that Harrison is sending Chad home, but alas that’s not the case. “There’s a line that the show has to draw, and that’s the violence,” says Chris. “I’m not asking you to leave, but something has to be done.” While I was hoping Team Bachelorette would issue some kind of punishment — like flushing all of Chad’s protein powder down the toilet — instead they just want the meathead to head inside and “settle it” with the guys by… apologizing? Unlikely.
“I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs off, and arms off, and there’s just gonna be torsos, and then I’m gonna throw 'em in the pool,” Chad declares. “And I’m gonna f**k up this entire damn thing!” And I think you know what happens next.
While the previews make it look like Chad does, in fact, take his wrath out on Evan’s face, we’ll simply have to wait until tomorrow night to find out for sure. In the meantime, let me know your thoughts in the comments below. Should Chad have been sent home the moment he put his hands on Evan? Does James T. really have a shot at the final rose? And who’s worse: Hitler, George W. Bush, or Chad? Post your thoughts now. And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here. See you tomorrow, rose lovers!
The next episode of The Bachelorette airs Tuesday, June 7 at 8 p.m. on ABC.