Teresa Giudice on What Felt 'Like a Knife Right Through My Heart' When She First Watched RHONJ (This Year!)
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Teresa Giudice might have been on The Real Housewives of New Jersey for 12 seasons, but that doesn't mean she's seen a single episode of the Bravo hit.
With a little more than a month to go until the season 13 premiere, Teresa exclusively tells PEOPLE that she only started watching the show that made her famous this past year — and it's all because of the drama that's unfolded with brother Joe Gorga and sister-in-law Melissa Gorga.
"I'm watching the show for the first time because I never watched it before. And if you pay attention, when I was at the reunions, Andy Cohen would ask me questions and I wouldn't know what he was talking about," she explains. "Everybody knew I was not watching the show."
As for why she began her belated binge, the 50-year-old mom of four explains, "I just wanted to educate myself and to see what my brother and sister-in-law were saying about me."
"I've been seeing all this on Instagram, these accounts that are posting past episodes. And I'm watching and I'm like, 'My brother said that? My sister-in-law said that?' So then I started watching and I'm like, 'Now, I got my answer,'" she says. "But I couldn't watch it [initially] because it was so hard for me to relive it. And good thing I didn't watch it back then, because now I'm seeing what my brother and my sister-in-law was saying about me back then, oh my God. It was like a knife right through my heart. I think I would've reacted differently if I would've watched the show."
Jenna Russo, Silent Capture Photography & Videography, @silentcapturephoto Teresa Giudice
Over the years, Teresa has hit some rocky patches in her relationship with Joe and Melissa, both 43. Some of the tension stemmed from the legal troubles the Teresa and her ex-husband Joe Giudice faced years ago, while more recent drama centered on Teresa's treatment of the couple.
In May, the siblings got into an explosive fight during season 12 reunion after Teresa called her younger brother a "bitch boy" and dismissively compared him to a Housewife. The argument got so intense between the two siblings that Joe walked off stage, threatening to "quit" the Bravo franchise.
Teresa later claimed she had apologized and mended things with her brother, but that was only the start of what was to come between them. In early August, PEOPLE confirmed that the Gorgas wouldn't be at Teresa and Luis "Louie" Ruelas's wedding. (By that point, Teresa had already confirmed that Melissa would not be a bridesmaid in her wedding.)
RELATED: A Complete Timeline of Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga's Feud
Two sources said Melissa and Joe backed out of attending two days before the ceremony when false rumors about their marriage surfaced amid filming. Both Teresa and Louie's actions at the time ultimately influenced the Gorgas' decision.
"Teresa betrayed them in a way that's unforgivable," one source said. "They're not going to celebrate Teresa's new marriage when all she does is try to tear apart theirs."
"It's unfortunate. I think it's sad," Melissa later told PEOPLE at BravoCon in October. "I wish we could have gone, but it is what it is. We'll never get that back, and I didn't choose it."
The Gorgas also addressed their decision to skip the Aug. 6 nuptials on the Melissa Gorga On Display podcast, with Joe saying it was "so, so hard" for him to not attend, especially since she's his only close family that's still alive.
"To me, it was devastating. It really was. It was one of the hardest days of my life. It was bad," he said. "But listen: let's go back to the reunion. She did this, you know? This was all on her. This is what she really wanted. She didn't want [Melissa] in the wedding, she didn't want any of my children in the wedding, she barely wanted me."
Charles Sykes/Bravo/NBCU Photo Bank/Getty; Jeff Kravitz/Getty Melissa and Joe Gorga (left) and Teresa Giudice and Louie Ruelas (right)
RELATED: Melissa Gorga Reveals There Have Been 'a Lot of Inconsistencies' amid Feud with Teresa Giudice
However, Teresa tells PEOPLE that she has a different perspective on the family drama — and stands by her decision to cut ties with her brother and sister-in-law.
"It's been hard since my family came on [the show]," she says. "I never signed up to be on a TV show with my family. This was my thing. I was excited about it. It was something new for me, and it was like my job, and I was excited, and then all of a sudden I get bombarded and ambushed by my family. And it was very sad, because I felt like my dream kind of got shattered."
"I would've never sucker-punched them like that, because I don't roll like that. If they were on a show, I would've never went on there and hurt them the way they hurt me. That's not my style. That's not the person I am," she continues. "If anything, I would've got my own thing, because I'm always that. I always like to be different."
She adds, "Now I know why I didn't watch it. Maybe it was just to keep the peace, for our family, for my parents ... I kept peace while my parents were alive. And now I have closure. Now I understand. I am living in my truth. I finally came to my truth and I'm not going to accept this toxicity anymore. And I am going to be the mama bear, protect my family."
Jenna Russo, Silent Capture Photography & Videography, @silentcapturephoto Teresa Giudice, Louie Ruelas and their kids
RELATED: Teresa Giudice Vows to Avoid 'Toxicity' in 2023 After 'Painful' Family Feud Marred Wedding Day
The mother of four is now vowing to avoid that very thing in the new year: "Toxicity, definitely toxicity," she says of what she wants to leave behind in 2022.
"I come from a small family and we were really close. And then for something like this to happen, it was really hard for me to deal with," she notes. "I always tried to keep the peace and that's why I kept my mouth shut for a lot of years. But now... I'm going to do what's good for my family, good for me, good for my children. And I just want peace. And that's why any toxicity, [I have to] keep it out."
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Season 13 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey premieres Feb. 7 at 9 p.m. ET on Bravo.
