“Survivor 45” recap: It's a trap!

When it came time to making my episode 1 pick to win Survivor 45 a few weeks back, the choice was a clash of the titans: Kaleb vs. Austin. Kaleb was so charismatic and such a good salesman. And the product he was selling was himself. He could ascertain what a person needed to hear to feel comfortable with him, and then make that connection happen. He seemed like the obvious pick. The only problem was that it was also blatantly obvious to anyone who spoke to Kaleb just how good he was. Who in their right mind would want to sit next to that guy at the end and then watch him sell himself to the jury?

That's the reason — as impressive as Kaleb is — I picked Austin. And nothing has made me regret that decision since. Austin — whose previous Survivor notoriety pretty much consists of sliding into Coach's DMs — has been nothing short of subtly spectacular. He found his ride-or-die in Drew. He secured second circle numbers in Julie and Dee. And in between he and Drew, they have procured, at last count, 367 idols and advantages. Not bad for a guy who originally was not even supposed to be on this season. (If you have not read my deep dive into the casting journey of Austin — who was a Survivor 45 alternate — and four others from this season, do yourself a favor and go check that out immediately.)

Robert Voets/CBS Austin Lee Coon on 'Survivor 45'

But this week's episode was a stellar one for Austin. Not only did it appear that he was the person that Emily trusted more than Drew — sealing the deal to keep her from flipping to team Belo — but he was the only one on the journey this week who recognized the folly in going for the amulets over the food. Because in the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar… it's a trap!

I KNOW! I KNOW! This is coming from the guy who says you should never pick food over an advantage or chance at immunity — not at an auction, not a challenge, never! But that was before this week's journey. To recap: Austin, J Maya, and Kellie went on a journey… and, yes, I wish Survivor would give it a better name than the reality TV cliché of journey, but what are you gonna do? They walked up a hill and saw a plate of food as well as a display of amulets not dissimilar to trinkets you might see being sold by your neighborhood kindergartener down the block alongside overpriced lemonade. As a group, they had to decide on either the food or the jewelry.

If they chose the jewelry, the three amulets (which had to played together) would give them — as a group — one extra vote. If there were only two amulets still in the game, it would become a steal-a-vote. If there was only one person with an amulet left, it became a full idol. I think I can pretty safely say that this is the worst advantage ever. Because all holding it does is incentivize people to get rid of you. As Austin correctly surmised, "This is not a symbol of an alliance, this is absolutely a symbol of war."

All obtaining this amulet does is paint a bigger target on your back and make the other players want to get rid of you. What kind of advantage is that? And, as Austin also astutely pointed out, what are the odds that the three people would even be able to all agree on the same person to use the one measly extra vote against? I actually crunched the numbers with the EW analytics team on this and it turns out the percentage chance of that happening is… ZERO! ZERO PERCENT!!!

J Maya and Kellie accepting this advantage was the height of folly. Which is why it was so brilliant of producers to (once again) add it into the game. I like to think of this advantage as the Survivor version of Walter White. Now, I realize comparing a piece of reality TV jewelry to a notorious fictionalized meth dealer and murderer could be seen by some as a bit of a stretch, so allow me to explain.

Robert Voets/CBS Kellie Nalbandian on 'Survivor 45'

When Breaking Bad first started, Walter White was a sympathetic character — a down-on -his-luck high school chemistry teacher with a terminal illness. He was a character we all rooted for. And then he started making meth. And then he started killing people. And then he started destroying the lives of the people he was closest to (Skyler, Hank, Jesse). The show was, in effect, daring us to keep rooting for its own protagonist, and because we as viewers are so conditioned to naturally root for the protagonist — even after Tony Soprano and Vic Mackey — we did… way past the point of when we should have turned on the man who became a monster.

Survivor players are also conditioned — conditioned to always go for the advantage. It doesn't matter how many times producers write the word BEWARE on one. As long as your name is not Brandon Donlon, you're opening it. That's because Survivor casts risk-takers. The show intentionally (and rightfully) weeds out folks in the casting process who are not going to go for it. Not only that, but the show indirectly shames those who don't go for it. Think about it: Who wants to be seen on TV as the person too scared to take a chance? Do you want to come off as big and bold, or timid and safe? And if you don't think that comes into play in a contestant's thought process, then you are kidding yourself.

But all of this has actually put Survivor in a fantastic position, because what the show has been doing the past few seasons is essentially daring players to not take these loaded guns. Forget about the Beware Advantage. They could write OPENING THIS ADVANATGE IS A TERRIBLE IDEA AND YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY NOT DO IT on the cover and the majority of the cast would still go and do it anyway. And that's not a comedic exaggeration I am making. I honestly believe that to be true. Producers can keep making the deals worse and worse, and players for the most part will keep taking them because they have been conditioned to take them. And the creative potential out of that is tremendous.

Which brings us back to Austin's decision. J Maya and Kellie could not help but open the shiny package sitting in front of them. And I don't blame them! It's every Survivor fans' dream to get an idol or advantage, and here it was! But Austin saw the big picture. He saw the dangers the amulets posed to his game, and he was able to show the self-restraint to correctly pass on the opportunity. (Unfortunately for him, the majority ruled, so he was forced to take it.)

Jeff Probst often says you have to go for it to win this game, but "going for it" in this case was the far easier decision to make. Instead, Austin was prepared to make the tough call, and that's what great players do. Or, he just really, really wanted that sandwich and everything I just wrote is a bunch of malarky. One of the two. Either way, when it comes to Survivor players others should be scared of, Austin Li Coon is the one who knocks. Okay, let's hit on a few other quick things from episode 5 of Survivor 45.

Robert Voets/CBS Bruce Perreault on 'Survivor 45'

Not so mellow yellow

Even after the tribe swap, Lulu remains endlessly fascinating. There was so much happening over there this episode for a tribe that didn't lose the challenge or find an idol or anything.

We saw Kaleb working everyone and working them HARD. Not only did he once again bring someone in who might be on shaky ground by telling Katurah he was giving her a heads up that folks saw her idol-hunting, but he confirmed what has not really been shown but many of us suspected — that Kellie was the glue holding original Belo together. "I think Kellie is the best player on this tribe," he told us, which is why he wanted to get in good with the one calling the shots — telling her about Sabiyah already finding the Lulu idol.

But while Kellie may be the glue, Uncle Bruce is definitely the Krazy Glue. I don't really understand what Bruce keeps doing with the weird accents and facial expressions and stuff. It's so odd, and doesn't really seem natural. But all the zaniness in the world can't mask that Bruce can be bossy. For example: "You want to talk about it or you want to do it?" is not something I would ever say on Survivor. I also wouldn't tell someone their suggestion to ration food is "the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

A lot of people will focus on that comment as a big sign of disrespect, but I was honestly more surprised when he took Katurah to task for wanting presents for giving birth. Look, back in the day I went to some wavy-gravy yoga-inspired birthing class that was probably taught by Kendra or something, and they asked all the birthing partners to hold an ice cube tightly in their palm for 30 seconds to help simulate the pain of giving birth. I think I made it to, like, seven seconds. Worst seven seconds of my life. Couldn't do it.

Robert Voets/CBS Katurah Topps on 'Survivor 45'

Anyone that gives birth to another human being is entitled to all the presents they damn please. And honestly, anyone that can hold an ice cube in their hand for 30 seconds probably also deserves, like, a Nintendo Switch or a case of fancy wine or… I don't know, maybe some hand warmers to thaw their palms out. The point is: Why argue that? There's simply no reason! But the interesting thing is this is the first time they've showed us other people besides Katurah seemingly not feeling the Uncle Bruce vibe. Should be interesting to see how that develops.

Last thing to touch on with Lulu would be Jake collapsing for the second time this season after standing up too quickly. It was a scary moment to be sure, but only a moment. And not terribly surprising. Hell, if I miss a single meal of Popeyes chicken tenders and stand up too quickly, I feel light-headed, and we've seen several players in seasons past talk about similar feelings. But it gave Jake a chance to unspool his backstory about losing tons of weight over the past two years.

More importantly, it served as an effective counterpoint to the fact that two players quit the game in the first nine days. "I don't want to get pulled. I'd rather get my ass voted out," Jake told us. "If I go out of this game, I'm going out fighting, not falling." Bravo! (Now please stop falling.)

Robert Voets/CBS Sifu Alsup on 'Survivor 45'

A-Reba-derci

As if Sean did not screw up J Maya, Dee, and Julie's plans enough by quitting last week, he dug them an even deeper hole by telling Sifu on his way out that he did vote for him. "Now I respect him even less," sighed Dee. "I do too," agreed Jane. In fairness, what was he supposed to do? It's not like he made a point of telling Sifu he didn't vote for him. Sifu asked, Sean answered. I don't think he was intentionally throwing anyone under the bus. He just answered the question. Say what you want about Sean quitting the game, but I don't think anyone sees him as anything even remotely approaching malicious.

As for Sifu, since all his idol hunting had not produced any results, he went and made himself a fake one. Good work! Less good? The way he oh-so-obviously kept bringing up to people in the least casual manner possible how he had an idol. If he had said that to me, my first response would have been, "Show me the idol." And if he did, my next response would have been "Show me the parchment." And even if he had somehow gotten his hands on a parchment, I still probably would not have believed him because we've seen those used as a ruse before. The fact is, there was no advantage whatsoever to Sifu leaking info on his idol to folks, so the fact that he even brought it up should have been a relief to the women who for some reason had convinced themselves he had one — even though Dee and Julie already knew that Austin had it. And yet they bought it anyway!

J Maya then came up with the oddest plan of the season so far — for her to lie and say she voted for Sifu and pretend to be ostracized by the other two women. Why would you want to purposely create an enemy in the game with a merge right around the corner? Remember Gabler and Elie from season 43? Seems way too risky and unwise to me. Then again, I once bought stock in something called eToys, convinced it would be the next Amazon, so wisdom is maybe not something I should be weighing in on.

Do the worm

Kendra not being able to swallow a worm makes me miss the eating challenge. That is all.

Robert Voets/CBS Brando Meyer on 'Survivor 45'

Level up

So, I like what they did here at the start of the immunity challenge by having the players have to work their way through a three-level obstacle course. My only advice would have been to lean into the concept even more. Put some ropes in there that they have to go over or under. Or put a barrel of hay on the bottom level they have to make their way through. Or force the first player in a cramped space to solve a quick puzzle that then opens the hatch to get them to the top level. Just put more barricades and obstacles into the obstacle course. Make it a crazy fun house! After all, didn't Mike White say to make Survivor more fun! Anyway, this was a solid 1.0 version. Now I want them to — as punmaster J Maya might say — level up. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

Robert Voets/CBS Brando Meyer and Kendra McQuarrie on 'Survivor 45'

The Belo tolls for thee

Since Belo lost their first immunity challenge, it was finally time for Emily to pick a side. Would she choose tall, skinny Pokémon nerd Drew, or would she go the complete opposite direction and side with tall, skinny Pokémon nerd Brando? It wasn't clear at first. In fact, the only thing that was clear was that Emily must have been losing her mind to be on YET ANOTHER TRIBE THAT BELIEVES IN ALIENS!!!

Whether these were the same aliens that also built the pyramids remains under investigation, but I'm pretty sure they may have battled Rowdy Roddy Piper at some point — and that Rowdy Roddy Piper may have also gotten into the longest alley brawl in modern history when his friend Keith David refused to "put on the glasses." But that is neither here nor there. The important thing was to attempt to figure out what the hell Brando was doing.

I really don't get it. Any of it. Brando offered to give Drew his Shot in the Dark if Drew would vote out Kendra instead of him. And Drew refused it. None of this makes any sense! If Brando was planning to vote out Drew, why would he give him the Shot in the Dark to leave the game with him? And if Drew was planning to vote out Brando, why not take his Shot in the Dark, and put it in your collective pocket with Austin to join all the other idols and advantages rolling around in there?

I didn't just start watching Survivor yesterday — or during the pandemic, like pretty much this entire cast — so I understand the gamesmanship at play here, but this seemed like a super weird offer to make, and an ever weirder refusal. Especially after Drew immediately went and sold Brando out to Emily, who then immediately sold Drew out by bringing it back to Brando. The whole thing was messier than Marvin (another dated reference, I know).

Robert Voets/CBS Brando Meyer on 'Survivor 45'

To make matters even more mystifying, hippy-trippy Kendra got so mad when she was told (incorrectly) that Drew had made up the story about Brando wanting her out that she made a super scary cat face. Or was it a dog face? I could have sworn she originally said it was a cat face but then it seemed to shift into some sort of pit bull situation, I think? It was all super confusing. And more than a little bit scary.

The big question was: Which side Emily was going to pick? And once Austin showed her the amulet from his journey, it seemed to seal the deal. And it did, meaning it was the end of the road for Brando, a guy that I wanted to call Brandon with every fiber of my being for the entire season, even though there was already another Brandon out there. And I can't help but believe that played a part in the nickname attachment for season 45. And what a mistake that nickname was! Instead of Brando, he could have been forever known as Oak Park Brandon if he had just stuck to his guns! And then the other Brandon could have been known as Sicklerville Brandon, which is simultaneously one of the best and worst Survivor nicknames ever… settling in somewhere between Papa Smurf and Dreamz.

We didn't get to see much of Oak Park Brandon this season until this week… and then he was gone. Oh well. At least now he has plenty of time to train his single cyan eye on finding the mythical Sigilyph in his next round of Pokémon GO. As for you, you should be training your eyes on all the other goodies we have for you: goodies like the entire cast revealing their favorite Survivor players eyer. Or goodies like Jeff Probst explaining why you don't need a "sob story" to get cast on Survivor. Or goodies like an exclusive deleted scene of Sifu delving into his painful past. Or goodies like our exit interview with Oak Park Brandon. They're all yours. Go enjoy and I'll be back next week with another scoop of the crispy.

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