Succession: 15 Hilariously Perfect Cousin Greg Quotes That I'll Still Be Using Years After The Show Is Done

 Greg in a suit in Succession
Greg in a suit in Succession
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Jesse Armstrong’s HBO hit Succession is a powerhouse drama in every sense of the word, from its yearly Emmy wins (including last year’s Outstanding Lead Drama victory) to its game-changing episodes that take over pop culture convos. But for a show that gets as serious as the Roy family’s saga can get, Succession also wins out for the irreplaceable presence of Nicholas Braun’s Greg Hirsch. (Or more formally Gregory Hirsch, or most formally “heir apparent to the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg twelve times removed,” depending on the season.) Though Brian Cox’s Logan Roy arguably holds the Best Quote trophy for his signature “Fuck off!” Greg would earn dozens upon dozens of honorable mentions in that realm.

For Succession Fans:

Kendall Roy after Logan's death in Succession
Kendall Roy after Logan's death in Succession

10 Times Succession's Kendall Roy Hit A New Low

Now, with Succession ending after Season 4 wraps, it’s as good a time as any to round up a batch of the show’s most awkward, perfect, and unforgettable Greg lines that I’ll no doubt still be quoting and referencing years after watching the finale. And yes, it’ll probably be while I have Kendall Roy’s “L to the OG” rap blaring somewhere in my house. Let’s kick things off with one of Braun’s first big scenes in the series premiere. (All episodes can be streamed with a Max subscription.)

"You scratch my back... I’m not gonna say I could scratch yours. It’d be too considerable of a space. But is there an angle there, perhaps?"

  • From Season 1's "Celebration"

Before Greg could become a fan-favorite character, he had to lay the groundwork. And what better way to accomplish such a feat amidst such strong personalities than to awkwardly compliment his dismissive great-uncle's back in the process of asking for a job. Extra points for this quote for being the weirdest way possible to foreshadow Logan's back legitimately having a variety of scars from some unexplained scratchings and lashings.

"I gots the old rumblin’ tum."

  • From Season 1's "I Went To Market"

It's far too relatable a situation to try and make small talk happen with someone who clearly wants none of it, only to have that small talk emerge via the least natural string of words. By this mid-point in Season 1, it was clear that I would watch a whole season just filled with Greg trying to win over older relatives, and I would love to be in the mind of James Cromwell's Ewan Roy when Greg expressed his hunger in such a way.

"So this is what you do? You like, go to a club, and then you come to, like, this other part where the club sort of isn’t?"

  • From Season 1's "Which Side Are You On?"

Some people call it the VIP section, some people call it the club spot where the club isn't. Wait, no, that's just Greg. I kinda wish there was a dictionary that was only filled with Greg phrasings and what they mean.

"It's a pretty great view, huh? I mean out there. Not me."

  • From Season 1's "Prague"

Though Greg later has to work hard to develop a believable ego, this was a splendidly breezy way to unload some awks charisima within the office. And obviously whenever this line gets quoted, one has to do the same hand motion that he does right afterward.

"I don't do white drugs."

  • From Season 1's "Prague"

Though his attempt to turn down Kendall's cocaine offer was unsuccessful, it was still the most valiant and quotable way to do so. Anytime anyone offers me anything white — from milk to socks to looseleaf paper — half of my responses will just be an echo of the above quote.

"Yeah, no, I mean I’m sure it, yeah, could be way better. I just…don’t…know how."

  • From Season 2's "Vaulter"

Nicholas Braun's rising(ish) star(ish) within Waystar Royco is a great surrogate for viewers who will likely never enjoy the spoils of the Roy family's wealth, and his reaction to Kendall's penthouse is one of his most relatable moments in the entire series. Being impressed and complimentary, and then attempting to fake complacency to match Ken's blahness, only for his natural awe-struck instinct to come through anyway.

Greg with longer hair in Succession
Greg with longer hair in Succession

"Blue Danube, no more."

  • From Season 2's "Hunting"

One of Greg's most lovable qualities is the way in which he gets into a sketch situation without others knowing, and then casually asks about the repercussions involved with whatever he got caught up in, and then jokes his way through whatever he learns, while presumably frozen in fear on the inside. Whenever Kendall mentioned that Logan would chop up the "inner-circle" rat and throw the body parts in the Danube river, the above was Greg's go-to line, which probably works better than anything else in this list as far as actual day-to-day sayings go. So if you come across something has been spoiled beyond its usefulness, just look at the person next to you and say, "Blue Danube, no more."

"My sand mites are getting bitten by midges."

  • From Season 2's "Dundee"

As opposed to the previous Danube quote, Greg's complaints about various parasites competing for real estate on his back isn't nearly as universal.

"If it is to be said, so it be…so it is."

  • From Season 2's "This Is Not for Tears"

Greg's courthouse response to Eric Bogosian's Gil Eavis (who asked if Greg was Tom's executive assistant) is a faux-pompous masterclass in unnecessary words. And thus is best to use whenever answering the most mundane kinds of questions. "Did you check the mail today?" "Can you pass the salt?" And so on.

"I'm sturdy. I'm a sturdy birdy."

  • From Season 3's "Lion in the Meadow"

Another moment that speaks so soundly to Greg's inability to be confident and convincing. Pro tip: when someone important asks if you're good to go, do not refer to yourself as a bird, and definitely don't do it in a way that rhymes. Unless, of course, you're just quoting Succession like me.

"I don't know how you did it back in the '60s. Different times. Different times indeed. Better times? Not...not for all."

  • From Season 3's "Lion in the Meadow"

Only Greg could express faux humility about not being good at day-drinking in a way that also offhandedly brings to mind the myriad social woes of yesteryear.

Greg in suit in office in Succession
Greg in suit in office in Succession

"I'm worried about prison. I just feel because of my physical length, I could be a target for all kinds of misadventures."

  • From Season 3's "What It Takes"

While this isn't necessarily the most relatable Greg quote for everyday life, I think we're all probably a little worried about prison, and which of our specific body distinctions would be targeted for misadventures.

"What am I gonna do with a soul anyways? Souls are boring. Boo, souls."

  • From Season 3's "All the Bells Say"

Selling one's soul for success is a tale as old as literature itself, but Greg still somehow makes it his own by specifically calling it out in the process of it happening. It's a good thing ol' Daniel Webster isn't part of any legal teams going after Waystar.

"Okay, well don't turn me into a word, Tom. I'm a guy. Why...why do you have all these little guys? These little Greggies running around? Who are these little Gregs?!?"

  • From Season 4's "Connor's Wedding"

Episode 403 was a magnificent episode even beyond Logan's death, with an early convo between Greg and Tom offering up much repeatable nonsense, with Greglets and Gregging near the top of the add-to-the-dictionary chain. "Don't turn me into a word, Tom" is such a perfect piece of dialogue in any capacity.

"I guess he occasionally has expressed a distaste, uh, in the past for my particular flavor of me."

This quote is a road-map in Greg-speak, essentially taking a simple idea and making it sound complicated through how it's worded. "Matsson doesn't like me" just wouldn't be Greg. Or, as Kendall referred to him during that exchange: Bony Maroni.

The Little Greggies That Didn't Quite Make The Cut

  • "I can drink these, right? These are drinks for people?"

  • "Like, I either owe it to tell him - owe it to him to tell him, or I don’t owe it to him to totally t-... not tell him."

  • "I don't have a Bertrand Russell quote, because I just...haven't even heard of him 'til now."

  • "Pretty monstrous. His crew knows some unseemly venues. I danced with an old man. Yeah, he didn’t want to dance, and they made us dance. He was so confused. I drank things that aren't normally drinks."

  • "I might have touched Bill Gates."

  • "Well...can I just say...I think it's hard to make houses seem like tech 'cause we've had houses for a while now."

  • "She's a firecracker, man. She's crunchy peanut butter."

It's too bad Greg's more negative and Disgusting Bros behavior came out in full as Succession went on, as it's become all the more difficult to side with him during certain moments. As such, he didn't make my cut of characters who deserve happiness after the show's conclusion. But since he's pretty much always been looking out for Greg above all, he deserves exactly what he gets, which will probably be pretty solid.