The folks at Digg have given George Lucas’s original Star Wars trilogy the ultimate phantom fan edit, distilling Episodes IV-VI into a concise three-minute death reel. (Warning, the accompanying song has NSFW language.) Watch this clip above and you’ll realize that this PG-rated space opera is actually a violent bloodbath on par with the ending of Sam Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch.
Sure, the body count — tabulated by a helpful onscreen skull-and-crossbones graphic — may start off small with only anonymous Storm Troopers and a slow-on-the-trigger Greedo buying it. But it quickly leaps to apocalyptic numbers at the 15-second mark when Alderaan goes kablooey, adding 2,000,000,000 voices that cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. The Rebels do…um, strike back 45 seconds later by blowing up the Death Star, but their 2,795,138 score is well short of Alderaan-level numbers.
Thanks to the one-two punch of Alderaan and the first Death Star, A New Hope boasts the highest death toll of the original trilogy, with a whopping final tally of 2,002,795,192. Compared to that, The Empire Strikes Back is practically bloodless, racking up a minuscule 2,115 fatalities. (And that number should arguably be lower since Digg counts the scene where a still-in-training Luke attacks Darth Vader in a Dagobah cave, an encounter that turns out to be all in his head.) Return of the Jedi contains a more impressive 2,850,676 body count, although a clear majority of that is owed to Lando blowing the hell out of the second Death Star. Here’s hoping he got the same medal Luke received for that bit of fancy flying, even if Luke’s shot killed 323,491 more Empire goons. (Blame it on the fact that the Death Star 2.0 was still unfinished and thus short on bunk beds.) Should Digg ever decide to give the prequel trilogy the same treatment, they should probably list Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen’s careers among the fallen.