‘SNL’ Cold Open: Joe Biden Blames ‘Spider-Man’ for All of Nation’s Problems

Christy Piña
·3 min read
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James Austin Johnson’s Joe Biden made a return in Saturday Night Live’s first cold open of 2022 on Jan. 15, blaming everything on Spider-Man: No Way Home.

“There’s one simple thing you can do to make this whole virus go away: Stop seeing Spider-Man,” Johnson’s Biden said in a press conference addressing the rise in COVID-19 cases.

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“Now think about it, when did Spider-Man come out?” he asked. “December 17. When did every single person get omicron? The week after December 17. Stop seeing Spider-Man. That’s really all I have to say.”

The president then opened the floor to questions from reporters, who pressed him about whether that was really his solution for all of America’s problems. “Yes,” he said. “Next question.”

“Do you think all COVID will end if people stopped going to the movies?” Bowen Yang’s reporter asked. “I didn’t say don’t go to the movies,” Johnson’s Biden replied. “I said stop seeing Spider-Man.”

When another reporter, played by Heidi Gardner, asked Johnson if that was based on any data, he replied, “Yes. Everyone in America has seen Spider-Man like eight times. Everyone in America also has COVID.”

In response to Yang’s question about experts saying the real problem was a lack of testing, Johnson said Spider-Man has a 98 percent on “Au Gratin Potatoes.”

The question Johnson’s Biden was most excited to answer was if it’s possible there’s another version of President Joe Biden in the multiverse who actually wants people to watch the record-breaking superhero film.

“I’ve actually thought about this a lot,” Johnson said. “I’m consulting with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Strange. As far as I can tell, there are at least three Joe Bidens. One of them’s me. One of them is me, the Joe Biden that lost to Trump,” he continued. “And then there’s a third Joe Biden, who’s the greatest president in history.”

Johnson’s Biden said he’s so adamant about the fact that he lives in a multiverse because it makes more sense “than whatever the hell our current world is,” adding, “I wake up every morning and look at the news and think, ‘This can’t be right.’”

Mid-rant, a tattooed Pete Davidson made an appearance, who claimed he was the Joe Biden of “the real universe,” which was created as a joke in 2016 when the Chicago Cubs won the World Series and is about to collapse.

When Johnson’s Biden asked Davidson’s Biden if he was the president in that world, Davidson replied, “Of course not. Did you really think he’d lose four times, and then finally win when he was 78?”

“What about the rest of us? Are we OK in the real world?” Gardner asked, to which Davidson replied, “Everyone on Earth is better off in the real world, except one man named Pete Davidson. This world is maybe more fun for him.”

In her opening monologue, Ariana DeBose shouted out Afro-Latinas and was joined by a special guest for a West Side Story duet: Kate McKinnon.

“Did I hear, ‘Sing songs from West Side Story with Kate McKinnon’?” the SNL castmember chimed in. Together, DeBose and McKinnon sang a compilation of “Tonight,” “I Feel Pretty,” “Something’s Coming” and “America.”

In a later skit, SNL spoofed another popular musical, Sound of Music, with appearances from DeBose, McKinnon, Yang, Chris Redd, Andrew Dismukes, Chloe Fineman and Kenan Thompson.

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