Sister Wives ' Meri Brown Is Both 'Nervous' and 'Excited' to See Loved Ones Again amid Pandemic

·3 min read

Meri Brown is getting ready to get back out into the world.

The Sister Wives star, 50, recently opened up about her conflicting feelings when it comes to seeing loved ones again after being unable to do so for "almost a year and a half" due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The extent of her traveling, as of late, has been back and forth to her Utah-based bed and breakfast, Lizzie's Heritage Inn.

"I don't know what to do or how to feel. Listen, I'm well aware that COVID is a super polarizing conversation, not one that I'm interested in engaging in. All I'm saying is, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm anxious, I'm looking forward to seeing my people, you know, all the feels and all the emotions," Meri, who lives in Flagstaff, Arizona, wrote on Instagram Wednesday.

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"Am I excited to see them? Yes! Do I want to hug them? Yes! Am I going to? Probably, and am I nervous about it? Yep," the reality star continued. "I think I've been so out of touch with anything except virtual relationships with most anyone besides family for the past 16 months, I'm not sure how to feel. It's exciting, and awkward, and I want to be safe, and make sure everyone around me is safe. So yes, I'll do all the things I can to be safe, and I'll also super enjoy the next few days."

Meri added that she's "so glad to be back at it" and is "looking forward to a fabulous weekend" spent with her LuLaRoe family. (LuLaRoe is a multi-level marketing company that sells women's clothing, and Meri is currently an "independent LuLaRoe fashion retailer," according to her Instagram bio.)

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On her Instagram Story, the TLC personality also wrote, "There's a difference between living in 'fear' and living responsibly. Just saying ...."

Earlier this year, amid the ongoing pandemic, Meri announced the death of her mother, Bonnie Ahlstrom, in March. At the time, Meri revealed that her mom passed away "suddenly, unexpected [sic], and extremely way too soon" at 76 years old.

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"I literally don't know how I'm going to do the rest of my life without her," she wrote on Instagram. "Mom, I love you beyond the words I can express here, but I know you know that. You are loved, you are missed, and I know you are so happy celebrating on the other side with dad, hugging your daughter and son who left us too soon, reuniting with your parents, and getting to know your dad. Love them all, hug them all, and be happy. Or rather, just continue filling that space around you with the light that you always do. I love you Mom!"

She has also faced trouble in her longtime polygamist marriage to Kody Brown, whom she wed in 1990.

After tying the knot, they eventually welcomed Janelle Brown into their arrangement in 1993, followed by Christine Brown in 1994 and Robyn Brown in 2010. Kody, 52, later divorced Meri on paper in order to legally marry Robyn, 42, in 2014, but he considers himself to be spiritually married to all four women.

Kody said on their family's reality series that he saw his marriage to Meri "just dissolve" following a 2015 catfishing incident, during which Meri entered into an online relationship with someone she thought was a man — but who was actually a woman. Earlier this year, Meri told PEOPLE that they're "figuring out where we are and, you know, what is happening."