Selena Gomez's 'My Mind & Me': Everything She Reveals About Mental Health, Lupus and Heartbreak
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AppleTV+ Selena Gomez
Selena Gomez is peeling back the curtain like never before in her revealing new documentary My Mind & Me.
In the film, directed by Alek Keshishian, the pop star and actress, 30, puts her physical and internal struggles on full display.
From body image issues to painful lupus flare-ups and, of course, her ongoing journey with mental health, Gomez bravely invites fans into her ups and downs over the last six years.
"I'm kind of scared. A lot of people are going to see this whole other side of me — and I'm like, 'I hope they like it,'" she told Kelly Clarkson earlier this week during an appearance on her talkshow.
Below are the biggest revelations from the documentary, streaming on Apple TV+ beginning Friday.
AppleTV+ Selena Gomez
Her Struggles with Body Image
In the lead-up to her 2016 Revival Tour, Gomez is reduced to tears during fittings and rehearsals. "I wanna have the body to wear it proudly and I want the booty that I don't have," she says. "My body's very young. [I want to] look like a woman and not like a 12-year-old boy."
Gomez is also haunted by her lack of self-confidence, "a voice that comes in my head that says that, 'You miss this. That sucked. That sucked. Oh, you get a glimpse of yourself on the screen — wow, that looks pretty f—in' s—ty," she continues. "It just sucks the life out of me, and I don't want to perform. The pressure is just overwhelming."
The star grows even more emotional while recounting a conversation she had with Interscope Records CEO John Janick.
"I don't want him to think he signed some f—ing Disney kid," she says. "It just sucks too because the whole song thing ... he called me this morning about the song with Justin — and I was just like, 'When am I gonna be good enough by myself?'"
The captured moment of frustration is the only time Gomez is heard directly referencing her ex, Justin Bieber, in the film.
AppleTV+ Selena Gomez
Her 'Psychotic Break'
After canceling her tour in August 2016, Gomez's mental health declined further. "At one point, she's like, 'I don't want to be alive right now. I don't want to live. And I'm like, 'Wait, what?'" recalls her former assistant Theresa. "It was one of the moments where you look in her eyes and there was nothing there. It was so scary."
Gomez's best friend, Raquelle, recounted the "very chaotic" period when the star began "hearing all of these voices."
"They just kept getting louder and louder again. That triggered some sort of psychotic break," says Raquelle in the film. Adds Gomez's mom, Mandy Teefey, who says she learned of her daughter's 2018 hospitalization via TMZ: "They called me and wanted to know what my daughter was doing in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. She didn't want anything to do with me, and I was scared she was gonna die."
AppleTV+ Selena Gomez
Learning About Bipolar Disorder
In 2019, Gomez was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. "I'm gonna be honest. I didn't wanna go to a mental health hospital," she says in the film. "I didn't want to, but I didn't wanna be trapped in myself in my mind anymore." (In her latest Rolling Stone cover story, Gomez reveals she has sought in-patient treatment four times.)
Grappling with her diagnosis, "I thought my life was over," she adds. "I was like, 'This is how I'm gonna be forever.'"
In one of the documentary's rawest moments, Gomez weeps as she reflects on the impact her mental health had on her loved ones.
"That's why I say to people that I have the greatest friends and family, especially my mom and stepdad Brian because I shouldn't have spoken to them the way that I did, and I shouldn't have treated them the way that I did sometimes," she says. "When I wake up the next day, they told me what happened ... they explained to me, they're like, 'Look, I know that that's not you talking and we're really concerned. We love you. We don't see anything different from what was last night to now.'"
RELATED: See Selena Gomez Visit Her Childhood Friend in Touching Clip from 'My Mind and Me'
Even now, "I just say it over and over again," continues Gomez. "I say, 'I'm so sorry,' 'cause I remember certain things that I did, and I was so mean."
In the documentary, Gomez also discusses the impact she hopes to make in the mental health community.
In May, the Only Murders in the Building actress headed to the White House for an appearance at the Mental Health Youth Action Forum, where she shared her mental health journey.
"Mental health is very personal for me, and I hope that by using my platform to share my own story and working with incredible people like all of you I can help others feel less alone and find the help they need, which is honestly all I want," she said at the appearance, which was also attended by First Lady Jill Biden, Ambassador Susan Rice, US Surgeon General Vivek Murthy and 30 youth mental health activists.
AppleTV+ Selena Gomez
Living with Lupus
Gomez has long been an advocate for others struggling with lupus, and she shares in the film that she faced an excruciating flare-up during the pandemic.
"I was so young. I haven't felt it since I was younger," she says, visibly in pain. "Now it just hurts in the morning. When I wake up, [I] immediately start crying because it hurts — like everything."
The physical pain also exacerbated her emotional struggles. "I've been having really bad dreams about my past and stuff," she continues. "I think my past and my mistakes — that's what drives me into depression. It's like, my whole life since I was a kid, I've been working ... the only thing I want is [to be] a mom. I don't wanna be super famous. I just feel stuck, and I just wanna move forward."
AppleTV+ Selena Gomez
Healing from Heartbreak
While she doesn't refer to Bieber by name aside from seemingly mentioning their prospective duet, Gomez reflects on navigating the end of a toxic relationship amid the release of her record-breaking 2019 ballad, "Lose You to Love Me."
"It's about more than just lost love. It's me learning to choose myself, to choose life, but also hoping that people can find grace and peace in that too," she says. "The song is about knowing that you completely lost every part of who you are just to rediscover yourself again. Everything was so public. I felt haunted by a past relationship that no one wanted to let go of, but then I just moved past it and I wasn't afraid anymore."
If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.
