‘Scream Queens’ Recap: Revenge of the Chad

Warning: This recap for the “Warts and All” episode of Scream Queens contains spoilers.

Television is very murdery in general, but when it comes to murder, there are really only two kinds of shows: ones where NOBODY gets away with murder, and ones where EVERYBODY gets away with murder always. The procedurals that your great aunt watches — we’re talking the Criminal Mindses and the NCISes and the Law and Orderses — make it seem like getting away with even a single murder is next to impossible. But then shows like The Vampire Diaries and Scream Queens assert that you can commit entire massacres or even genocides (in TVD‘s case) and nobody will so much as ask a follow-up question. In real life it’s probably somewhere in the middle, but thank G this is not real life. This is TV and we got MURDER to obsess over.

Related: Catch Up on ‘Scream Queens’ With Our Recaps

“Warts and All” was an amusing and ludicrous episode of Scream Queens, which is now basically a live-action cartoon and totally unapologetic about it. Not only did it feature Colton Haynes in full-body prosthetic warts makeup (a deranged creative choice if there ever was one), it also boasted the returns of several Season 1 fixtures, including CHAD RADWELL himself. Need I say more? To be quite honest, I do not need to say more! Let’s talk about this episode!

We began where last week’s episode left off… with the brutal beheading of Chanel No. 5!

Except just kidding, she was not murdered. And I am going to level with you, I was a little disappointed. THAT would’ve been an eyebrow-raising way to start the season. Anyway, false alarm. Hairy Cecily Strong, however, HAD been murdered, and now Chanel No. 5 was being questioned by a very bored and possibly under-qualified detective. And because this was only the second episode of the season, nobody was willing to believe there was another killer on the loose. As far as brutal beheadings go, this one was ruled a one-off. (Which might be a pun if you think about it.)

Chanel went on her date with John Stamos, but his haunted hand kept grabbing her bosom! (Which she enjoyed.) It also stole Red Vines from a stranger. Hard to tell which action was less chill. Classic haunted hand stuff.

In a career full of perversities, Ryan Murphy hit a new milestone by casting megahunk Colton Haynes and then covering his face, head, neck, and body with prosthetic warts. This, friends, was our unfortunate patient of the week, and his condition was worsened by the fact that Chanel No. 5 schemed to make him her boyfriend so that she could make him hot again and therefore have ownership over his heart. (I guess? Is that how romance works?)

During an unspecified night shift of some kind, Chanel encountered a certain masked killer from last season!

But just when The Red Devil was about to lodge an axe into the meanest medical student since Dr. Laura, he pulled off his mask to reveal himself: CHAD RADWELL. What a prank! But also, oh thank god, Chad is back!

It seemed Chad and one of his hunk friends had been on an unfortunate hunting trip with Ruth Bader Ginsburg where Liz Cheney was accidentally shot in the face, and now Chad’s friend couldn’t stop screaming at sudden movements or sounds. So he too now had an unusual disease for this hospital to cure. But, and it must be stated again, Chad was back! And he was NOT happy that Chanel had gone on a date with John Stamos and had her bosom fondled by a haunted hand. Not on HIS watch.

If you are anything like me, you literally laughed out loud when Chanel No. 5 unveiled her Kickstarter video to raise money for Warty Colton Haynes’s laser surgery. It was set to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” and contained footage of Chanel No. 5 standing on train tracks and weeping against a tree. This show!!

Zayday had begun to suspect shady business when it came to this hospital and, like, what it was even for. So she and Chamberlain the candy striper noticed that Google had been scrubbed of all mention of the hospital’s previous existence, and therefore they took to the microfiche machine in the basement. (All basements contain microfiche machines.) There they discovered the awful truth! In flashback times, Jerry O’Connell and the rest of the costumed medical staff had all been massacred!

The Green Meanie (or someone dressed like him) had risen from the swamp to exact bloody revenge using little more than a flying CGI machete and an unquenchable thirst for gore.

Say what you will about the Green Meanie, but he or she sure was thorough!

And then, in what must be logically considered the greatest scene in television history, we were treated to an extended sequence in which a nude Chad Radwell and a nude John Stamos bickered homoerotically in and around the showers about a) their attractiveness and b) Chanel’s erogenous zones. There is not a lot else to say about this scene except that it MELTED BRAINS. (Also, it was genuinely hilarious.)

Dean Munsch had quite an episode, as Zayday’s investigation into the hospital’s past led her to accuse Dean Munsch of using the hospital to murder the Chanels somehow. But Munsch instead opened up to Zayday and admitted that she’d been suffering from a mysterious and debilitating illness for a while now and she needed everyone to help her find a cure. Even more life-threatening, though, was the sudden appearance of the Green Meanie! Now, the sight of Dean Munsch kicking the ever-loving s–t out of a masked assailant will never get old, and this scene was no exception. But just after Dean Munsch knocked the killer out cold, she was interrupted before she could de-mask him or her! Ugh, classic second episode blunder. Better luck next time?

In another VERY welcome return, Denise Hemphill showed up to help Dean Munsch brainstorm about who this killer could be and how to stop him or her. And after lovingly discussing Quantico and also Quantico, she revealed she had a plan.

Just needed to point out that there has probably never been a better outfit than what Chad wore in his squash match against John Stamos. Truly the Platonic Ideal of outfits.

I still can’t believe this moment happened. So, Denise Hemphill’s plan was for everyone to consult with a locked-up Hester in what was a fairly accurate parody of Silence of the Lambs. Which, as you recall, includes a moment when another locked-up inmate throws a handful of, uh, you know, at Jodie Foster. So yeah, that happened here too, but Chanel No. 3 TASTED IT. Primetime television, everybody!

But yeah, this whole scene was pretty amusing, especially when Hester only agreed to help them stop the Green Meanie in exchange for several bottles of expensive, discontinued beauty products that could only be found at the estate sales of dead French whores. In other words, her help wouldn’t come cheap.

Related: ‘Scream Queens’ Star Lea Michele Previews ‘Bats*** Crazy’ Season 2

Welcome back, Hester, you ol’ weirdo.

Because Chad’s new goal was to win Chanel back, he hired a private investigator (Brian from The Office!) to find out where John Stamos’s implanted hand had come from. It turned out the hand belonged to a squash player who’d murdered over 600 people (!) he’d met on Craigslist, using a switchblade embedded in the handle of his squash racquet. Generally I believe that something like this would make the national news and everyone would have at least a passing awareness of the squash player who murdered 600 people, but this was news to Chad. Anyway, that man’s hand was now surgically attached to John Stamos’s wrist. Which was why his hand was such a d–k now!

When confronted by this true fact, John Stamos had no choice but to punch his fist into a cadaver! Which, fine. That cadaver won’t know what hit him. (Due to death.)

Because Zayday is smart (and/or naive) she got to the bottom of Dean Munsch’s mysterious illness by tracking it to a meal Munsch had once eaten on vacation in Guinea. As it turned out, Dean Munsch had accidentally eaten HUMAN FLESH and therefore had a rare disease only acquired by cannibals. It happens! But it now meant they could cure it, so Dean Munsch seemed pretty relieved about this hot tip. Great job, Zayday.

Things didn’t go quite so well for Warty Colton Haynes. He’d fallen for Chanel No. 5 and as a result the other Chanels gifted him with enough money for a laser surgery (due to the pureness of his heart for liking someone who looked like her). But the night before his surgery to become hot again, guess who showed up to make his life a lot less alive? The Green Meanie! And despite the Chanels racing to save him (scored to Bonnie Tyler’s “We Need a Hero”), he succumbed to laser-related violence. It was certainly the saddest laser-related death I’ve seen on TV in a long time.

“Warts and All” was a breezy, if VERY cartoonish hour of entertainment, but it had two major things going for it: effective horror and the return of CHAD. Because oh man, some people are just that amazing. It’s heartening that Scream Queens has gotten to the murder mystery so soon so as to not wheel-spin as much, so let’s hope we’re headed for some twists and complications ASAP. Or not. Whatever. As long as Chad’s there, all is well forever.

What did YOU think of “Warts and All”?

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Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox. Watch clips and full episodes of Scream Queens on Yahoo View.