'Scream Queens' Recap: Pajama-demonium!

Scream Queens is a show where everything’s in quotation marks and we all have a gentleman’s agreement to ignore them. For example, these “students” go to “college” and live in a “sorority” where they are occasionally “killed” for “reasons.” Some of the characters are funny while the rest are “funny.” The “violence” is “shocking” and “scary.” Emma Roberts is fantastic and the Rhodes Twins are “fantastic.” We the viewers are “interested” in “finding out” who the “killers” are. See what I mean? On Scream Queens there are almost too many quotations marks to keep track of, so it’s best to just keep one quote-free statement in mind: This thing is FUN.

After several weeks’ worth of elaborate (and expensive-looking!) set-pieces, “Seven Minutes in Hell” gave us something akin to a bottle episode. You know, when the characters are suddenly restricted to pre-existing sets and the true fireworks stem from interpersonal conflict. The bottle episode is usually a cost-saving measure, but depending on the show it can generate some real drama. But this show is not about drama, it’s about killing time between one-liners by killing characters. And even though “Seven Minutes in Hell” contained approximately zero Niecy Nash and zero Nasim Pedrad, it gave us much more Chad Radwell than usual, and that’s automatically an A+ situation. Chad Radwell for president. Let’s talk about this episode!

We began with the most exciting political event since Canada elected a dreamboat: The Kappa presidential election! Even though the race between Chanel and Zayday to determine who would be in charge of the sorority had not been very riveting, at least this thing was finally getting under way! And the process to elect their new leader involved — like Lost and Survivor tiebreakers before it — black and white pebbles. And overseeing the results would be candle vlogging ant farmer Jennifer, who was thrilled to be involved:

In a twist that should not have surprised anyone, as this sorority has a membership numbering in the SINGLE digits, both Zayday and Chanel were elected co-presidents. And Chanel was not happy about it.

But, of course, it was all a ruse. She’d intentionally thrown her vote to Zayday so that she would no longer have to preside over a sorority of murdered girls all by herself. (Which looks bad on a resumé.)

Zayday’s first order of business? Preventing her fellow sisters from getting murdered all the time! Also, she wanted to have a slumber party. Now, you may be wondering what the point of a slumber party was when they already lived under the same roof. But as Zayday explained, girls do two things when they get in their pajamas for a cuddle: Experiment with lesbianism and also reveal secrets. So this would be Zayday’s attempt to get some real good intel on who the possible killers are.

But word spread to Chad’s frat that the girls were having a slumber party, so he and his bros had no choice but to take a break from their armless pasta-slurping contest and execute a good, old-fashioned panty raid!

I loved this scene in general for all the Chad stuff. Like when his brothers openly slut-shamed him for having slept with Dean Munsch and Denise Hemphill, and he seemed totally baffled and slightly hurt at their disapproval. So good.

So next thing we knew, the girls were in their pajamas playing spin the bottle at Chanel No. 3′s INTENSE insistence. Even though, as Chanel kept pointing out, there were no “dickies” or “wangies” at this slumber party, Chanel No. 3 would NOT be dissuaded from finally getting to kiss her crush, Predatory Lez.

And after they finally did lock lips, Chanel No. 3 approached Predatory Lez and explained to her that even though "I was born without the part of my brain that feels stuff,” she theoretically DID feel things for her. But when Predatory Lez offered to comfort her by rubbing her uterus, Chanel No. 3 left her hanging. Truly a Wuthering Heights-esque romance so far.

I loved when the girls took a break from spin the bottle to make a midnight treat: S’mores with chocolate-covered packing peanuts. What a great and slightly toxic snack idea!

But that’s when things started to get bad: The brand new security system that Chanel had installed in order to turn the house into a giant panic room suddenly locked them all in! And then somebody cut the power! It’s almost as if slumber parties are irresistible to slasher killers? Fortunately Chad and his bros were already on the way to help out. UNfortunately the armless one had a hard time climbing up the ladder into Chanel’s bedroom and he got to witness firsthand (figuratively speaking) just how handy (literally speaking) the Red Devil was with an axe!

Watch out!

Oh dear.

Yeah, sorry, armless fellow. You kept your chin up even under less than favorable circumstances and now it has been severed clean off your body. Oh well, even though this was definitely a bummer for Chad, who was also still mourning Boone (but NOT Dodger, whom he claimed everyone hated and had only been holding Roger back), he was not too bummed to join the girls for a spirited game of Truth or Dare! See, Truth or Dare was another ploy by Zayday to get people to spill their secrets, and even though Jennifer pointed out that they could simply lie after saying “truth,” Chad screamed frustratedly at everyone that that’s not how Truth or Dare works. And he raised a great point. Truth or Dare is for TRUTH or DARES only. Never lies.

But then WHOOPS! Guess who got dared to go lay down in the bloodstained bathtub the sorority kept hidden in their padlocked Exposition Room??

Farewell, Predatory Lez! But it’s worth noting that before she died she at least had the wherewithal to ask to see the Red Devil’s face first, and, upon seeing it, exclaimed “I knew it.” So, that narrows it down not very much!

I loved this “Seven Minutes in Heaven” moment between Chad and Chanel in which he listed the many ways he loved her, which totaled two: Her gullibility and her hecka-rich father. But the whole scene was acted and scored like a timeless romantic moment, only with two very hateful and vapid people. And at the end of it, they even pinkie swore to get back together and be monogamous to boot. They had truly come a long way from earlier in the episode when Chad told her “I love you kinda.”

Aw, look how “sad” Chanel No. 3 seemed when she found Predatory Lez dead. Sure, she’d been the one to dare her to nap in the bathtub (out of retribution for outing Chanel No. 3′s dad as being Charles Manson), but now she was devastated. And by “devastated” I mean she was neutral and disaffected. But theoretically devastated!

Alas, Predatory Lez wouldn’t be the last casualty this night. Just as Chanel No. 5 and Roger were about to enjoy THEIR seven minutes in heaven, the Red Devil decided to show off the new nail gun he or she had picked up at Lowes.

Ouch?

I loved this allusion to Pinhead from Hellraiser. When that movie is inevitably remade, they probably won’t recast Pinhead as a blonde twink with questionable acting skills, but points to Scream Queens for thinking outside of the box. But poor Chanel No. 5! In general she had it pretty rough this episode, what with Chanel berating her in the opening scene, and the multiple recurring jokes about her possibly having teeth in her vagina. Whatever sense of vengeance or retribution that was brewing inside of Chanel No. 5 must be completely boiling over by now. Can’t wait ‘til she goes pop.

So much for a bottle episode: Then Chanel and her co-president Zayday decided to go investigate an elaborate tunnel system under the house. It was lined with paintings of all the former Kappa presidents, who included all the racists, jerks, and cokeheads you may have expected. (I also loved when, just before Chanel entered the tunnel, Chad assured her that “If you get murdered in those tunnels I promise i will never bang anyone harder than I banged you,” which I believe might be paraphrased from a Nicholas Sparks novel?)

Anyway, yeah, almost immediately both of them came under attack!

And to Zayday’s credit, this Red Devil really was swinging an axe at her with intention!

She only barely escaped after Chanel attacked the Red Devil with a wall sconce, thus suggesting that both co-presidents are probably not assisting the Red Devil. And even better, a reluctant friendship had begun to form between them. This show has a cold black heart, but I liked this little flower of humanity blossoming. On Scream Queens? Imagine that!

The next day Dean Munsch was her usual a-hole self. This time she was gloating that the murders had been ALL frat or sorority related, so she would start delivering robocalls to the rest of the campus assuring them that they’re safe if they stay away from the Greek system. Which, fair. But when Grace’s dad attempted to take her out of school, Zayday stepped in and declared that all the sisters were sticking together. Which, uh, okay?

Finally, Chanel gifted her sisters with designer weapons: pink nunchakas! But it might end up being too little, too late, as Chanel No. 5 and Chanel No. 3 had already formed a pact to ensure that Chanel would become the next one killed, and meanwhile Hester was continuing to behave like a psycho around Chad. So while the girls were only just starting to look out for each other, it might be too late for Chanel to stay above the fray.

Oh, and then Zayday played “I Melt With You” and they all danced! It was a moment that was not at all earned, after an hour of these people being awful to each other, but it’s hard not to feel SOMETHING when you hear that song. (As opposed to, say, when they all danced to Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumper” while Predatory Lez was being murdered in a tub.)

But that tacked-on dance party pretty well summed up the appeals of this show: It was a reference to a more beloved piece of entertainment, and it underscored a scene of glib, heartless comedy that nonetheless felt youthful and vital. “Seven Minutes in Hell” may have scaled back many of the characters and sets from previous episodes, but the more time we spend with the girls in close quarters the more inevitably human they become. And, as always, thank god for Chad Radwell.

What did YOU think of “Seven Minutes in Hell”?

Scream Queens airs Wednesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox.