‘Scream Queens’ Recap: Ex Sex Hex

Warning: This recap of the “Rapunzel, Rapunzel” episode of Scream Queens contains spoilers.

Nobody likes a surprise run-in with an ex, but almost nothing could be worse than running into an ex at your workplace because he or she has swallowed several pounds of human hair. Of all the possible surprise run-ins with exes, that one might be the worst, if only due to the smell. First, it is bound to stir up tons of once-dormant emotions right there in front of your co-workers. Also, it is bound to stir up an enormous hairball. In other words, no thank you.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel” saw the return of a Season 1 favorite (I’m guessing Oliver Hudson’s Wes was somebody’s favorite?) and continued to explore the strangest courtship on network television. Let’s talk about it!

We began with the surprise return of … Wes!

I know what you’re thinking. … If Wes was back, could his daughter Grace’s terrible hat collection be far behind? Alas, those hats did not appear in this episode (though they were mentioned several times).

It goes without saying that Dean Munsch was immediately horny for Wes and wanted to get back together with him in the Biblical sense. As it turned out, in the time between Season 1 and 2, they had once shared a love nest up in Portland, where Wes pursued a career as a microbrewer and Dean Munsch pursued a career of blocking Grace’s calls.

Like all perfect things, their romance didn’t last. But now that Wes had returned to her life, Dean Munsch was ready to rekindle that lovin’ feeling. Just as soon as they surgically removed this from his abdomen:

(Mega style points to Dean Munsch for those black scrubs, though. Tres chic, gurl.)

Meanwhile, the rest of the hospital staff rolled merrily along, particularly Zayday, who was busy documenting her life as a doctor (?) by taking selfies with the gravely ill. Unfortunately, Chamberlain couldn’t stop blowing her phone up with faves and likes, and nobody likes a try-hard. Relax, Chamberlain!

Chanel and Dr. Brock were still trying to make their relationship work, but they’d hit a few snags. For one thing, Chanel never understood anything he ever talked about, from historical references to basic English. But she did enjoy filming him and applying Snapchat filters.

Also, their sex life was not great. Dr. Brock was giving it his best shot, but Chanel’s idea of a sensual escapade involved yawning and taking selfies. (To get through it, Dr. Brock had to imagine himself doing sex to Dean Munsch, obviously.) I really enjoyed Dr. Brock’s decor, particularly the mannequin hands that spelled out “B-R-O-C-K” in sign language. But why were they positioned backwards? What kind of madman was Dr. Brock?

Like, who didn’t want a piece of this hot vixen? Dr. Brock was very jealous that Dean Munsch was preparing to get back with Wes, so he walked around pouting a lot, and you would, too, if your ex looked this good in a unitard.

In a rare selfless act, Chanel helped Chamberlain cool it with texting Zayday too much, so she installed an app that prevented him from getting her texts until 9 p.m. Unfortunately, Zayday went and chose this day to get herself in serious danger with the Green Meanie!

Admittedly, Zayday’s plan was ludicrous and begging for trouble. For instance, she decided to lure the killer by pretending to take a bath in a dark, deserted hydrotherapy room, just so that she could tear a piece of the costume and take it in to a fabric shop. (Don’t ask.) But while I never understood why her plan was to get the costume analyzed and not, like, rip the killer’s mask off, I did appreciate that she surprised the Green Meanie with the phrase “Surprise, bitch!” That was obviously the immortal line made famous by Emma Roberts in AHS: Coven, so I appreciated this particular bit of in-house referencing.

I also laughed out loud when the creepy costume dude (who resembled Bug-Eyed Earl from the Red Meat comic strip) recalled in detail each time he’d sold a Green Meanie costume, because each time had coincided with a “handy” he’d received. Like back in ’86, when he sold a costume just before getting a handy during Karate Kid Part 2. But these clues were enough for Zayday to finally conclude that the blonde lady in old-age makeup was definitely in on the killings!

Next thing we knew, Zayday was sipping tea with the lady, and the lady was admitting that hell yeah, she was involved. That’s when Zayday passed out from the obviously spiked tea and then woke up tied to a bunch of mattress springs inside the hatch from Lost.

This was not gonna be Zayday’s heyday.

In one of the more amusing bits of the season, Hester helped Chanel “understand” Dr. Brock’s generation by throwing him a surprise WWII-themed shindig, complete with Rosie the Riveter drag, wartime posters, and No. 5 dancing around as Shirley Temple.

Dr. Brock did not appreciate being told that he was, like, 80 years old. But points for trying! (Also, that Shirley Temple getup was one of the most frightening things this show has ever done.)

As was to be expected, Wes and Dean Munsch’s reunion sex was interrupted by a masked killer with a machete! This led her to conclude that Dr. Brock was definitely one of the Green Meanies. But what she didn’t expect was the surprise reveal that Wes himself was the remaining Meanie.

Chamberlain learned this the hard way, when he confronted Wes about the random pieces of evidence he’d found embedded in Wes’s hairball. As it turned out, Wes had swallowed the hair in order to be admitted into the hospital (and back into Dean Munsch’s heart), and he intended to murder the Chanels ASAP. Apparently, Grace had been driven insane by the events of Season 1, so insane that she had even sided with Katy Perry in her feud with Taylor Swift and stopped wearing her terrible hats. Now Wes was bound and determined to end the Chanels once and for all.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel” was another ridiculous but amusing hour of television, and it concluded with a surprise twist: There are only two episodes left. Man, I never seem to know how long these seasons are. But it means that in a season with an illogical, anything-goes plot, it’s finally building toward a conclusion of some kind. But what? What will happen? Who is a killer? Or rather, who isn’t a killer? And will Denise Hemphill ever wake up and regain her title as Best Character? The suspense may just kill us all.

What did you think of “Rapunzel, Rapunzel”?

Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox. Watch clips and full episodes of Scream Queens for free on Yahoo View.

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