Need a scapegoat? There's always the wife | Celia Rivenbark
“Hi friend, you got time for a quick convo?”
“Ginni Thomas, is that you? I’ve been wondering when you might reach out to me. We Supreme Court Justice wives gotta stick together.”
“True that, Martha-Ann. I can’t believe Sammy threw you under the bus like that, saying it was your idea to put the upside-down flag in the yard.”
“It wasn’t a lie. That witch down the street went TOO far putting up that hateful sign about President Trump with the bad word on it. That flag means we—I mean, I—believe the 2020 election was rigged.”
“Yeah, about that. It’s like my Clare-Bear’s always saying: Don’t give ‘em the pleasure of a reaction. Why if I had a private yacht for every time Clarence got accused of behaving unethically… he just acts like he doesn’t hear it. To him it’s just background noise, like the screams of a million women bleeding out from treatable complications of an unviable pregnancy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
“Uhhhh, yeah, OK. But it’s just so hard. I’m still not over Sammy’s confirmation hearing back in 2006! Remember how I ran out crying because they were making him sound like a monster?”
“Sure, I do. Wait. I’ve got another call coming in. Oh. It’s Nadine Menendez. I told her I’d be talking to you today. I think y’all will have a lot in common!”
“OK, Ginni, any friend of yours is…”
“Probably a paste-eating conspiracy theorist with a room-temp IQ and a penchant for strangling baby songbirds?”
“I was going to say fine upstanding Christian!”
“I’m just messing with you! That’s the kinda stuff we gals have to rise above. Look at the big picture! OK, here’s Nadine!”
“Hi Ginni! Hi Martha-Ann! It’s good to be able to talk to y’all, especially since it seems like me and Martha-Ann have both been ratted out by our husbands!”
“Yeah, Clarence would never do that to me. I mean despite the fact that I led the “Stop the Steal” campaign to overturn the 2020 election results, he never sold me out. You ladies deserve a man like that! Nadine, I’m sorry about Bob using the “my wife did all this” as his defense in court. So tacky.”
“It was low even for him. We’ve only been married four years. Wonder how he can blame me for his first indictment in 2015!”
“Nadine? Ginni and I were wondering about the gold bars they found all over your house…”
“Oh, I just thought that was some tacky backsplash tile his ex left behind.”
“Really?!”
“Of course not. Whoa. You really are a naïve girl, Martha-Ann. And, I don’t mean to be rude, but those pictures of your yard…why are y’all living in a house that has brick on the front and siding everywhere else? Nobody can accuse Sammy Alito of being on the take, that’s for sure!"
“Uh-oh. You made her cry, Nadine!”
“Apologies. But I just don’t know how you can be that famous and live in a (shudder) cul de sac. He’s a Supreme Court Justice, for heaven’s sake, not the assistant manager at Olive Garden!”
“Hmmmph! At least we don’t have cash from foreign favors stashed all over our home. My Sam has integrity, which is something Bob Menendez doesn’t understand!
“Duh. Why do you think I married him? I told him there was a fortune to be made if he’d just trade on his position in the Senate by doing favors for foreign governments. We got hundreds of thousands in gifts. And our bricks go all the way around our house!”
“OK, now you made her cry again. Nadine, you’re a mean girl. I think we’re going to become very good friends. Honestly, Martha-Ann is kind of a snooze…”
“I’m still on the line, you know! I can HEAR you.”
“OK, this is awkward.”
Celia Rivenbark is a humor columnist and NYT-bestselling author. Write her at celiarivenbark@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on Wilmington StarNews: Celia Rivenbark writes about leaders blaming their wives
