The Real Housewives of New York City recap: What about the Children?
Poor Mario wasn’t ready for his moment. Ramona had stormed off at the party, having had her shrieking say with Heather. Now she wanted a bottle for her and one for Sonja and they were going to bother the host to put Katy Perry on the stereo so they could dance on a sofa. That meant Heather was left bemoaning Ramona’s idiocy to an increasingly flummoxed Mario. “She’s not a crazy person,” he insisted lamely. “We blew a peace whistle,” said Heather, who’s finally dropping her false equanimity and telling it like it is. “Clearly it was a bunch of bullshit.” (Should’ve used a pipe.) Mario smirked and waggled his eyebrows and shrugged. From the other end of the room Ramona hollered that she didn’t need anyone to fight her bottles. See? Not crazy. Finally Reid had had enough. “Mario, what do you care? What you getting involved in this for?” Mario didn’t have an answer to that but Aviva sure did. “He’s defending his wife!” she said. “You would do the same for me.” Meanwhile Carole snuck outside to smoke a doob. Heather threw her hands up. Aviva kept muttering to herself that you can never tell a man his wife is crazy, never. (Reid, your wife is a little crazy.) And Ramona stomped around the party victorious, wagging a finger to her “friends” about how she will not put up with people talking behind her back.
St. Barts beckons, which meant Sonja and Ramona skipped Aviva’s charity ride and went to get some of their cellulite blasted. “When do we start the champagne and the painkillers?” asked Sonja. If you ever find this sentence coming out of your mouth it means you have a problem. The doctor (?) told Sonja’s tummy and Ramona’s pink bikinied bottom to expect manual stimulations before the injections. She pulled out a thin needle which reminded Sonja of some of her more disappointing Sundays between the sheets. She explained that her psychic says she has a forehead that says “All small penises apply here.” Now all I can picture is Harry’s little nibbin, stamped with his GPA and work references, nudging and poking at Sonja’s brow. The numbing cream made Sonja’s brain go number so she started talking about how her house smells like peep and poo, as if we hadn’t already assumed that. Ramona started humping the table and may have had an orgasm. People, this is how we spent our Monday night. Let’s reconsider our options!
Aviva was touched that LuAnn, who just the night before she j’accused of having malicious intent at the wine tasting, still showed up for her charity spin class. Though it turned out LuAnn was really just there for a good workout. She recovered quickly though. Prosthetics for needy kids? Bonus! Carole showed up, looking particularly little and out of breath up there on that bike. Heather showed up late but she clearly wanted to pedal faster than any of those other women. Holla! And the barking instructor made LuAnn’s day, and lost the back of the room, by playing “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Aviva though was having a hard time letting go of the fact that Ramona and Sonja bailed. “This wasn’t about someone’s pinot grigio line or skin care line,” she said. “There was no product being pushed here.” See the thing about Aviva is she’s actually more perceptive and articulate than anyone else here, with the possible exception of Carole. So while she’s kind of a nut, and often boring, she has the goods to be more interesting if she’d just trust herself and let go. Maybe there’s a pill for that?
Ramona wanted her taxi driver to start using a notebook to remember addresses. Luckily it was Monday so she hadn’t reached her weekly stress limit. Otherwise she would have slit his throat with the shiv she keeps tucked into her doggy’s bedazzled collar. Her next Learning Annex engagement is going to be targeted exclusively to Yellow Cab drivers.
NEXT: A toast to assholes!
LuAnn and Ramona took a morning off from hating each other to go shopping for St. Barts. Ramona wanted to finally get a load of LuAnn’s body. Enough with the flowy maxi dresses, she wanted to judge some skin! Unfortunately LuAnn prefers masturbating in private (what the what?) but she’s happy to watch Ramona ogle her own body. No matter what they both wanted bathing suits and dresses with padding around the decolletage. Otherwise their kids will get on their cases. “Mom, your nips are showing,” Avery will complain. Or Noel will squawk for LuAnn to “cool your nips.” Couldn’t we just have one episode where the women thought of the children and all wore turtlenecks and peacoats for a change?
Is being a catastrophist genetic? Because there was a brief scene of Aviva’s son expressing grave doubt over the intelligence of a carousel ride. What if the slow motion of the rising and falling horse rubbed his penis uncomfortably? Aviva nodded at him, finding his concern a legitimate one.
There was quite a nice moment on this otherwise ridiculocious hour of TV. A bright-eyed young boy named Jake got his first pair of running prosthetics, courtesy of Aviva. Dang, those blades looked hard to navigate. But Jake was a trooper and when he caught a little air out on the sidewalk even I got a little teary-eyed. Which is why the shift to Ramona’s gilded apartment was all the more jarring. There was caviar and plenty of vino, as Ramona was clearly trying to show Carole how to be a proper hostess. Sonja grasped Ramona’s hand for comfort as she described her dog’s incontinence. When Aviva arrived Ramona apologized for missing the charity event and promptly handed over a TruRenewal gift certificate check for the cause. Sonja didn’t appreciate that because it’s not like she can write a check. She pays in air kisses and ramekins of mac n’ cheese.
Aviva started telling the blondes that she was pissed off that they didn’t come. “Just tell me that you’re pissed off!” instructed Ramona, missing the point. Ramona tried to explain that she had lucked into a dermatologist appointment and her face was all splotchy and if she had gone she would’ve scared all the kids. So she actually was thinking of the children? Sonja was bored by this conversation from the get. Can she talk about her dog instead ? And the diapers? And the gay intern she keeps tucked under her pillow? “It’s humiliating to a very proud dog to be wearing diapers,” she whimpered. Aviva’s spine stiffened and you could see the panic that sloshes inside of her turning to rage. “You should have had somebody else take your dog to the doctor,” she said. Sonja’s dam burst at this. Ain’t nobody putting Milla in the corner! Finally Aviva had had enough and she let loose on the women. “It wasn’t about me or my charity,” she bellowed, as Ramona’s eyes met their bug capacity. “It was about the children who are missing legs!” Ramona looked uncharacteristically chastened. How about a toast, she suggested, in honor of everyone’s valid points? Here’s to assholes, Aviva mumbled. Ya burnt!
Carole, who was totally stoned by the way, gracefully stepped in and diffused the situation. Sonja took some deep breaths and fanned her brimming eyes. Aviva collected herself and said that it did take a person with a tremendous amount of character to apologize. Well Ramona loves nothing more than having her character commended so she was all smiles again. Whee! The lessons of the luncheon: Say you’re sorry, and don’t let Aviva down.
See you in St. Barts you white trash skanks.
Well folks? Who here is going to stick with me until the bitter end? Does Aviva’s articulateness make up for her anxiety? Does Heather’s frankness trump her sequin t-shirts? Is Carole kicking herself for applying to this show rather than Gallery Girls?
