Real Housewives of New York City recap: Steel Calzones
The season of the vagina continues, for better or worse. RHONY is on its way to doing for vagina issues what RHOBH did for Lyme disease. But while only one gal was affected by Lyme disease in Bev Hills, it seems basically half the women in New York are chatting about vag probs. BTW, if Luann is reading this (she’s likely not), “Vag Problems” would be a good new single to release.
So we open with the VP of Vag Problems, Jules, arriving to meet the girls at a pizza place. She immediately begins talking about her lady parts to whoever will listen, which is basically the manager and maybe the busboy. Eventually, Dorinda and Bethenny — President of Vag Problems — show up and Jules whips out her phone to show everyone the cut to her lady business. I’m not sure a wounded genital area is something people want to see before making personal pizzas, but who am I to judge? Ramona and Carole finally arrive as well. As usual, Carole walks in with headphones in her ears because, guys, she’s really cool, lives downtown and dates someone young. She can’t just show up without listening to music.
Finally, the ladies start making pizzas. Jules teases she’s going to throw in some Percocet and Lidocaine in her calzone. Basically, Jules is PACKING drugs. This vagina injury has turned her into Jules Full of Grace. Talk once again returns to her eating disorder when she tells Carole she’s 115 pounds, which is LUDICROUS. That’s like saying Ramona is a slow talker. Watching Jules take a bite of pizza is like watching one of those Survivor challenges where the contestants have to eat squid poop. Then, there’s this truly insane moment where the calzone Jules made comes out of the oven, and they cut it open to find it’s filled with table utensils, including a fork and knife. It seems like she was both trying to sabotage her own food and also high as a kite. I mean, the gurl is packing a pharmacy in her bag. Also, I can’t imagine the restaurant is psyched their utensils are being baked — coupled with the fact Ramona leaves early and takes a plate with her. A. Plate.
Carole and Adam go out for a double date with a cameo-ing Heather Thomson. The Yummy Tummy creator walked away from the show last year. I kinda miss her, but this double date was super snoozy. They all go ice skating and Carole talks about her vegan cookbook, another topic I would prefer never gets discussed again. This is, once again, not the best season for Carole. Last year was rough, but I think was redeemed by her trip to London. This one might be her worst.
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Dorinda heads over to Jules’ house after the pizza party/drug rave. Jules seems really hurt by Bethenny’s and Carole’s attitudes towards her. She’s also tired of talking about her eating disorder, even though it’s painfully obvious something is up. But it does seem like there’s more to her emotions. She tells Dorinda that the day she hurt her vagina — the logistics of which still haven’t been made clear, and I would find an animated re-creation or something very helpful — she called John a bunch of times and he never answered. She went to the hospital at 2 p.m. and he didn’t show up until 8 p.m. because he was in the Hamptons. Um, for those not familiar with New York, the Hamptons are roughly two hours away. This only makes their recent separation all the more understandable.
NEXT: Dyeing your dog orange is apparently a thing on the UES
Bethenny heads to the doctor again, since she’s acting Prez of Vagina-Prob Nation. She has a nice conversation with her driver, Kevin. She says Kevin is like family. He knows everything about her. Then, as they arrive at the doctor, she finds a pillow covered in her own blood and promptly asks Kevin to deal with it. Just like family!
Dorinda continues her visiting tour and heads to Sonja’s loony bin. Lady Morgan is in her scary-ass basement with a couple of her interns, debating whether she needs to keep her old crutches and old nose-hair trimmer. This woman has some serious issues. This basement could easily be the focus of a James Wan horror film. There are bags of stuffed animals. I’m assuming there are scary dolls potentially possessed by some kind of spirits. Oh, and Sonja has also dyed her dog orange because that’s apparently a thing on the UES. Bethenny’s hairdo and dying your dog’s fur are the hottest hair trends, I guess.
Back in Bethenny’s care, the mood is not good. She’s left her doctor’s office, where she was basically told this is really serious surgery. She needs to make sure she has a living will and has designated someone who can make medical decisions for her. These are the moments when you really do feel for Bethenny. She can be a little abrasive and gratuitous with her Skinnygirl pushing, but you definitely feel for her family life. On the plus side, Kevin tells her everything will be okay.
A bunch of the girls head to dinner in Midtown. Since they’re near Broadway, Dorinda proclaims it’s okay for her to wear one of her “costume tops,” which is a sequin/shear blouse of some sort. I’m guessing next time she’ll wear her Spamalot armor or perhaps something from the Fiddler on the Roof collection. Jules announces that her vagina feels better and she doesn’t have to pee as much, which Sonja seems very excited about. Luann shows up in a statement necklace and says she is “engaged to be engaged,” which is, first of all, obnoxious, and secondly, obnoxious. Like, don’t talk about your engagement until it actually happens. Also, you’re a 50-year-old woman who’s already been married before!
But even more tiresome is the ladies talking about Carole and Luann’s battle. This is just a boring, boring conversation. Both of them need to get over it. Maybe they can return Ramona’s plate to that restaurant and have a calzone-making date. Percocets hopefully included.
