The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City recap: The Lisa Barlow game
Did y'all know that we were in for a very special Halloween episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City tonight? I mean there are no ghouls and goblins, per se — in fact, Jennie's husband is hardly in the episode at all! But there is an unsettling conversation, an implication of scary church stuff, and at least one ominous warning.
And that's because everyone's favorite hot witch from Hocus Pocus — Lisa Barlow — is out here stirring her cauldron for the people all episode. I must admit that after eight episodes of non-FBI-related-content, I am ready to get to the "Jen Shah gets busted by Homeland Security in the Beauty Lab parking lot" of it all. But I must also admit that I get a real kick out of watching Lisa Barlow try to make her machinations seem natural. I also get a kick out of watching her tiny sons start a tiny haircare line while Lisa buzzes around in the background assuring everyone that it's all their doing, right down to the turmeric hair gel. So this episode might be a little bit of episodic-filler trickery — but for the Halloween lover in me, it was also a treat.
Thanks in no small part to — BWAH BWAH BWAH, JEN'S JOB ALERT — kicking off the episode with what would otherwise be a completely unnecessary clip of Jen and her co-worker/accomplice Stuart talking shop around a laptop, if not for the fact that we know Jen is about to be charged with fraud by the federal government in one short episode. And of course, the editors know too, because what else can explain them putting up subtitles to make sure we hear Stuart saying, "The infomercial lead is doing really well," and informing Jen that business is booming as she hand-feeds him a banana.
Outside of federal crimes (that we know of), Heather, Whitney, and Mary meet for lunch, where Mary turns down a raw salmon ceviche starter because, "I have this weird thing in my head that I feel like it's gonna come back alive in my stomach and, like, start building a family." If you can believe it, in this very same conversation, Mary tells Heather and Whitney that she cannot stand being questioned. She says that she got so upset with Lisa saying she would google her comments about carbonation hardening your ovaries (which is, for the record, absolutely untrue) because she's "lost someone" over being questioned before. Mary goes on to explain that she and her mother haven't spoken in 25 years because her mom didn't believe she was making the right decision when she married Robert Sr. and took over the church after her grandmother passed.
Now, it's reasonable to want your mom to support your decisions and trust you. It is, however, unreasonable to tell people that they can't question you, and must trust that everything you say about ovaries, raw fish, and marrying your step-grandfather is either factual, the will of God, or both. Especially considering what Lisa's got brewing over at the Fresh Wolf event…
Oh did I mention the Fresh Wolf event that this entire episode revolves around? And you know Fresh Wolf, right? It's the "professional men's grooming line" created by a 15-year-old and a 7-year-old.
Now, I don't want to misrepresent myself — I think Lisa's son Jack is hardworking and adorable, and I do think he is the creative mind behind the first professional men's grooming line created by children, Fresh Wolf. But listening to Lisa proclaim over and over that Jack hit them with the Fresh Wolf pitch deck, came up with the idea to connect the product launch with a philanthropic event for Foster Utah, put on his hard hat to manufacture pomade and shower gel on the warehouse floors of Salt Lake City, and flew to India to hand-harvest his own turmeric is all just a little "lady doth protest too much," you know what I mean?
Still, I was charmed by all the hard work that Jack — Henry, for the record, is happy to just wear his Gucci toboggan along for the ride — put into the event they were hosting for Fresh Wolf and Foster Utah, which "is close to [his] heart" because his dad John was in the foster care system before he was adopted as a small child. Lisa says they kept the event invite list pared down to the selective few who have been especially supportive to Jack and Henry as they've started their business…
Which ends up causing quite the stir, just as Heather thinks Lisa intended it to. You see, earlier in the episode, Lisa told Jen about noticing on social media that Whitney had gifted pieces of her skincare line to the dress designer that accused Jen of verbal assault after audio leaked of Jen…verbally assaulting him. Jen classifies this leak as the designer (referred too exclusively in the episode as "[BLEEP]") "taking my kindness and repaying me by making it look like I mistreated him, which was not the case at all." Girl — everyone heard the audio!
Anyway, Lisa makes sure to let Jen know that Whitney seems to have sent a gift to that designer so Jen will know Whitney isn't being loyal to her. But when Heather hears this, she makes sure to let Jen know that Lisa went on to invite Whitney to the Fresh Wolf event, but didn't invite Jen. "What is that move about?" Heather keeps asking. And while I am obsessed with Heather's incredibly apt assessment that Lisa "goes around collecting what she believes is mud, and slings it in the face of friends to dismantle relationships, undermine affection and loyalty, and to try and somehow win at this imaginary game she's playing…"
I also cannot comprehend how Jen's friendship seems to be the ultimate prize of that game for both Lisa and Heather???
But for this episode at least, Lisa's game has another goal. You see, Whitney isn't able to make it to the Fresh Wolf event, so Meredith winds up being the only other cast member in attendance. The event goes off without a hitch (especially considering that it was thrown by a teenager and his tiny brother), riiiiight up until the end when Lisa and Meredith step aside to chat, and right on cue, a friend of Lisa's named Cameron interrupts them to say that he's leaving. And at the exact same time that happens, a photographer interrupts the interruption to say that she needs Lisa to come take a few photos. Which leaves Meredith and Cameron to make small talk…
You know, if small talk often circulated around the well-known rumor that Mary runs a cult. When they start chatting, Meredith only knows that Cameron is Lisa's original connection to Mary, so she pulls on that thread of commonality, asking Cameron how does he know their good friend Mary Cosby? "I actually used to attend her church, and thankfully I'm out of that situation," Cameron responds cryptically. And I was actually impressed, given her tendency toward privacy, that Meredith pushed the topic here. She asks Cameron what happened, and he ultimately stays tight-lipped about any details (give us the goods, Cameron!!!). He does, however, tell Meredith that the people who attend Mary's church are beautiful people, "But Mary, her husband… they've done some things that have been very harmful." When Meredith tells Cameron that she's good friends with Mary, he just tells her, "Just be careful," and spins out of the party in a puff of smoke.
The way the camera cuts to Lisa across the room, now in a completely different conversation, looking over at Cameron and Meredith so as to keep a nice, healthy distance from the situation that she has very obviously choreographed is just priceless. Meredith walks away extremely rattled, and I walk away absolutely desperate to know what Cameron knows, even if it means playing Lisa's game a little longer. But that might have to wait because, next week, it's time to put on our party hats and board the party bus to a potential federal indictment — see you there!
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