Foyers, Chefs, and John-John: The 'Real Housewives of NYC' Reunion, Part 1, in GIFs

After yet another drama-and-booze-filled season (seriously, these women need to get their livers checked; they’re not in their 20s anymore), the ladies of Real Housewives of New York City sat down Tuesday night with Bravo ringmaster Andy Cohen for Part 1 of a three-part Season 7 reunion. Three parts. That’s three hours of our lives. And the only way we know how to survive such a test of our endurance is to make GIFs.

They certainly dressed up for the occasion: Returning favorite/self-described “pretty skeleton” Bethenny unveiled a new choppy bob, and the rest of the RHONY ladies were bathed in so many shiny sequins, we had to turn the brightness level down on our TV.

And we started out with great news: Heather is ready to retire her annoying catchphrase “Holla”! Well, OK, she’ll say it one more time, but that’s it!

Holla Heather was on the warpath, though, ready to resume her usual role as class tattletale/scold, immediately accusing Luann of vowing to “take down” Bethenny before the season started. Holla Heather demands honesty! And airtime!

Bethenny wasn’t really having it, though. She’s been to a few of these reunions, you see. When Kristen continued to take offense at not being invited to Bethenny’s birthday party (when they barely knew each other), Bethenny just waved her off like a flea. She has no time for your petty reprimands and grievances. These boring B-list housewives… they just put her right to sleep, guys.

But onto more pressing matters, such as:

To recap, the ladies drove down to Atlantic City together, but before they left, Sonja refused to let them into her home, making them wait in (gasp) the foyer! This is the type of earth-shattering social faux pas that the Real Housewives franchise is built on, and Heather is still bitter about it: She called Sonja “gross” and “a bitch,” and topped it off by giving her the old Italian chin flick. What is this, the Real Housewives of New Jersey?

We also had to revisit Sonja’s obvious drinking problem and her constant trumpeting of how she used to party with “John-John,” aka JFK Jr. — who, yes, has been dead for 16 years now. Carole shut her down once and for all on that front, and she should know: Her late husband was JFK Jr.’s cousin.

Ramona, of course, defended her drinking buddy, saying that “Sonja has led a very colorful life.” (That is definitely one way to put it!) And the BFF antics didn’t end there: During the commercial break, the girls noticed that Sonja was looking a little shiny, and Ramona turned makeup artist, grabbing a brush and powdering Sonja’s face down. “My girlfriends can never be shiny,” Ramona said — which was weirdly sweet, we guess. Or just weird.

But then we got to the main event: Carole vs. Luann, who’s still pissed that Carole is dating Adam, a 28-year-old chef who used to date Luann’s niece. We’re still not sure what Luann’s objection is, because she listed about ten of them, but it’s clear she’s very upset, based on this epic double eye-roll she whipped out when Carole said she’s still dating Adam:

So what is Luann’s problem, exactly? That Adam used to date her niece? That Adam is too young? That Adam was her chef? She couldn’t seem to decide. Interestingly, Carole alluded to the fact that Adam is Luann’s “type,” so maybe there’s a bit of jealousy coming from the Countess. Carole called out Luann’s hypocrisy on the age thing by pointing out a young guy Luann had slept with in a past season. But Luann had a pretty solid comeback: “I’m not sleeping with him… on a regular basis.” (Even Andy giggled at that one.)

Then Luann got all Caroline Manzo on Carole (again, with the RHONJ!), jabbing a finger in her direction and huskily barking, “She messed with my family!” (But is her family “thick as thieves,” we wonder?) The argument got so heated that Luann had to fan herself with one of Andy’s note cards. Either that, or the Countess was experiencing some hot flashes.

And with that, Part 1 of the RHONY reunion is in the books. And we barely mentioned Ramona! Yes, there are two more hours of this. We’re gonna have to get as drunk as Sonja in her partying days with John-John to get through the rest. Holla!

Part 2 of The Real Housewives of New York City reunion premieres Tuesday, Aug. 25 at 8 p.m. on Bravo.