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There goes the Bride. The Avocado is toast.
Yes, it was Comedy Roast Night on The Masked Singer Wednesday — with special guests Jon Lovitz and Drew “The Llama” Carey — but neither of the above-mentioned celebrity cosplayers were having the last laugh. As is typical for this frustratingly formatted season of weekly double-eliminations, both the Bride and Avocado went home by the end of Wednesday’s hour-long episode.
Well, at least the Bride — last week’s reigning queen, or king, since this Barney-esque purple bridezilla turned out to be a dude — lasted two episodes. But it was quite the shocker that he was this week’s first eliminee, since he’d just delivered a growling “royal opus” rendition of Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” — a performance “with plenty of Rex appeal” that had judge Jenny McCarthy-Wahlberg declaring, “Here comes the Bride, ready to snatch that Masked Singer trophy!”
But the voters spoke now or forever held their peace, and they left the Bride stranded at the Masked Singer altar. Apparently it wasn’t such a nice day for a white wedding after all.
The judges thought this Frankenstein-like bride might be the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Flea (they guess him every year), Matthew McConaughey (???), Vin Diesel, or David Arquette. Last week, I guessed he was rockin’ wrestler and Fozzy frontman Chris Jericho, with some backup second-guesses that included AC/DC’s Brian Johnson, Queen’s Brian May, Sammy Hagar (Nicole Scherzinger actually guessed that as well), or even Axl Rose.
But it turns out I should’ve just stuck to my instincts… because when the Bride’s veiled was lifted, he did indeed turn out to be Jericho.
"Chris, you gotta talk to us, man. What in the world made you want to become a pink dinosaur with a wedding dress on?" host Nick Cannon asked, to which the wrestler quipped, "It's always been inside of me my whole life, and I finally got to do it. Now, I gotta tell you, I am shocked, because I was having a great time. This costume was amazing; it's best costume that I've seen on the show. And I'm disappointed I got beaten by an avocado."
But the Avocado's Masked Singer dreams would soon too be mashed like so much guacamole. After losing the battle royale against this week’s other new mystery contestant, the Snowstorm, on “You’re So Vain” (comedy-roastingly dedicated to judge Robin Thicke), it was also time for the Avocado to dip out.
And that was the pits, because this jolly green giant delivered such a fun old-timey (and surprisingly in-tune) performance of a Ray Charles classic. “You’re an entertainer, and you really made us laugh. Thank you, thank you, thank you,” gushed judge Ken Jeong. But apparently the Avocado’s song choice, “Hit the Road, Jack,” was a little too prophetic.
The judges guessed this guac-star might be Harrison Ford (that was Nicole, not notoriously bad guesser Ken!), Tim Allen, Joe Rogan, Dax Shepard, or Marc Maron, but it turned out to be another on-air personality, comedian, actor, and superstar podcaster: Adam Carolla.
"You know, ever since I was a young lad growing up in North Hollywood, Calif., I dreamt of this moment. And a scant 47 years later, here I am," Adam deadpanned. "So, this is a dream realized. And if I die tonight — well, I'm gonna pissed, actually."
So, this means Season 8 has a new reigning queen: the Snowstorm, who “dominated the competition,” according to Jenny, with her stone-cold-awesome solo performance of “Thank U, Next.” Her voice wasn’t quite as grande as Ariana’s, but it sounded very familiar to the panel’s resident pop singers, Robin and Nicole. Nicole even said, “You’ve got one of the coolest tones of the entire season. … That’s a pop-star voice, right there!”
So, now it’s time to peruse the clues…
The Snowstorm said she has to be “cold-blooded” to survive in her male-dominated line of work and she can be a “total b-lizzard,” but she really is “the sweetest thing.” She started working at age 18, it took a “type 2” years to see herself on the screen,” and “things haven’t always been pitch-perfect,” but “bombing has made her fearless.” She’s also shared the stage with everyone from Rob Lowe to Ken Jeong himself. Visual clues included roasted chestnuts, a “Masked Universe” comic book, and “speed-dating.”
Judges thought the Snowstorm might be Anna Kendrick, Heather Graham, Katherine Hahn, Iliza Shlesinger, Aubrey Plaza, Whitney Cummings, or Zooey Deschanel — all decent guesses, although the vocals really didn’t sound like Zooey’s distinctively indie-voweled garble. I'm actually going to tentatively guess this is comedienne, Perfect TV special star, and Rob Lowe-roaster Nikki Glaser. It sounds like her.
Can the Snowstorm, whoever she is, brave the elements for one more episode and breeze through to the Season 8 semifinals — or will she be frozen out of the competition by a newly crowned king or queen? Tune to next Wednesday's Fright Night-themed episode to find out.
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