Picking the absolute worst Star Wars dialogue ever

With the notable exception of a famous line revealing parentage, some backward Confucius-speak, and a startlingly rude response to a declaration of love, Star Wars is not exactly a franchise renowned for its dialogue. Don't believe us? Listen to the stars themselves!

"I don't want to be rude, but it's not Shakespeare," Ewan McGregor once opined. Mark Hamill has told tales of lines he begged George Lucas to cut, and Harrison Ford infamously informed the franchise creator that "You can type this s---, but you can't say it." (What, you mean "If you follow your thoughts through to conclusion it will take us to a place we cannot go, regardless of the way we feel about each other" doesn't just roll right off the tongue?)

Lucas was amazing at world-building (or shall we say galaxy-building?) and expanding our cinematic horizons of what is possible to put on screen, but sometimes the lines themselves… well, let's just say McGregor is not wrong. With that in mind, we, the Star Wars obsessives of the Dagobah Dispatch podcast, rounded up our selections for the worst franchise dialogue ever. Listen in to entire discussion to see if your pick made the cut, and enjoy these few choice examples below.

Don't call him the Sandman

Lucasfilm Hayden Christensen ridin' solo in 'Attack of the Clones'

"I don't like sand," says Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) in Attack of the Clones. "It's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere." I mean, I get it. I also hate sand, so Anakin has a point. I haven't been to the beach in months, but the trunk of my car can attest that it gets everywhere. And I love making jokes about how much Anakin hates sand: When Rey buried his lightsaber in the sands of Tatooine I imagined the howls of his Force ghost at the injustice of it. But there is something about this line that is just so silly. Is it understandable that he hates sand after growing up as a slave on that dry, dusty planet? Yes, that makes total sense. But knowing that somehow makes Anakin a little less mythical and a little more like me as a whiny kid after a long day at the shore. And that's not really what I want to be mulling over when I think about the fearsome Darth Vader. —Lauren Morgan

Backwards day

Lucasfilm Ltd. Yoda in 'Attack of the Clones'

Look, we love Yoda. Everyone's favorite tiny green Jedi has many talents, and he often dispenses wise advice in his signature syntax. (On Dagobah, he delivers banger after banger, including instant-classic quotes like "Size matters not" and "Do or do not; there is no try.") But his awkward phrasing doesn't always work in the heat of battle — like when he commands a squad of clone troopers in in Attack of the Clones. As they head into battle on Geonosis, Yoda awkwardly declares, "Around the survivors a perimeter create." It's bizarre, clunky, and unbefitting of such an elegant Jedi master.  —Devan Coggan

We have some bad dialogue to report!

Lucasfilm Ltd. 'Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace'

I first want to acknowledge that there may be something of a language barrier happening with my pick for the worst line of dialogue in any Star Wars film ever. I suppose something could potentially be getting lost in translation, seeing as how the native tongue for Neimoidians is allegedly something called Pak-Pak. I say allegedly because not once do we ever see or hear Neimoidians speak it, even when they are talking to each other on their own spaceship with no other species present.

So I for one am not buying that as an excuse for what happened during the Phantom Menace scene in question — a scene possibly more infuriating than anything involving Jar Jar Binks or the future Dark Lord of the Sith repeatedly yelling, "Yippee!"

Let's set the table: Neimoidians Nate Gunray and Rune Haako have just gotten off some sort of intergalactic hologram zoom call with Darth Sidious to update them on their blockade of Naboo. There's only one problem: The Jedi negotiators they were instructed to murder (Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi) have escaped their super-lame conference room knockout gas and are now on the loose. "You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi," says Rune Haako — once again, in English, not Pak-Pak.

And then comes Nate Gunray's response: "No need to report that to him until we have something to report."

Once again, "No need to report that to him until we have something to report." Do you realize how easy it would have been to avoid needlessly repeating the word "report" in that one response? It's so infuriatingly lazy. I'll improve it right now on the fly. Here are few much better options just off the top of my head:"No need to mention that until we have something to report." "No need to report that to him until we have an update." "No, I didn't tell him about the goddamn Jedi!  You want me to get Force-choked by a f---ing hologram?!"

Any of those would have been better. But no, instead they went with "No need to report that to him until we have something to report." It's a line that adds absolutely nothing to the film and is forgotten as soon as it is spoken, and yet the fact that it made it all the way through multiple drafts of the script and the ADR process — where it could have been easily replaced or altered — drives me absolutely insane. No wonder Sidious had Haako and Gunray slaughtered on Mustafar. Their crimes against Naboo and the Republic were nothing compared to that exchange. —Dalton Ross

This kiss is definitely on our list

Lisa Tomasetti/Lucasfilm Ltd. Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman in 'Attack of the Clones'

I know the Padmé-Anakin relationship really works for some people. While I agree that Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman actually have decent chemistry, and I've enjoyed the Anidala relationship in other places, MY GOD, their romantic dialogue in Attack of the Clones is absolutely cringeworthy. As I first watched the movie in the theater, I wished that it would become a silent film during those scenes because I was wincing so hard at the florid words. It's difficult to pick the worst bit of dialogue — so many lines to choose from — but "I'm haunted by the kiss that you never should have given me" is emblematic of what's wrong with all of it. No human beings in an actual romantic relationship speak like they do, and no human beings in any other Star Wars romantic relationship speak like that either. We went from the simple eloquence of Leia's "I love you" and Han's "I know" to something that sounds like it was pulled from a bad parody of a romance novel. Such a star-crossed romance deserved better. —L.M.

An unwelcome return

Lucasfilm Ltd. Oscar Isaac in 'Star Wars: Episode IX — The Rise of Skywalker'

Most of the entries on this list come from the prequel trilogy, but we had to save a spot for at least one clunker from The Rise of Skywalker. Several options were in play, but ultimately we had to pick the line that's so groan-worthy, it's become a meme: "Somehow, Palpatine returned." It's a hand-wavy insult to the audience, and it feels as lazy as the film around it. Even Oscar Isaac — an actor who is charm personified — can't save those three words. The dead may speak, but man, we really wish they wouldn't.  —D.C.

For more discussion on terrible Star Wars dialogue — or to hear interviews with Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Rosario Dawson, Pedro Pascal and more — check out EW's Dagobah Dispatch podcast below.

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