'The Phantom of the Opera' terrified me as a child. How I learned to love 'the music of the night.'

David Oliver, USA TODAY
Updated ·4 min read
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"The Phantom of the Opera" closed April 16 on Broadway after a stunning 35-year-run. The musical – which follows the titular Phantom and his unrequited love (read: disturbing obsession) for ingenue opera singer Christine Daaé at a French opera house in the 1880s – is known for its soaring, synth-filled score, shocking special effects and melancholy drama.

But to me, it was known as the perfect ingredient for nightmares.

There's a scene in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, for example, where Christine looks in the mirror only to discover the Phantom is "there inside," after which he lures her to his underground lair. Yes, suspend your disbelief, etc. And don't get me started on the mask.

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Confronting my 'Phantom of the Opera' fear

My parents took two friends and me to see the show for my 9th birthday in June 2001. They hoped seeing it in person would assuage my fears (even the commercial terrified me).

Reader, it only made things worse.

I couldn't go to the bathroom without wondering if the masked Phantom was waiting for me in the mirror to kidnap me. Every time I got out of the shower was like a horror movie, one jump scare away from my demise.

A friend of mine in elementary school loved "Phantom" so much and I hesitated even spending too much time with him for fear of getting too scared. Fear of fear itself, if you will.

This panic followed me into middle school, high school, college. I'm not sure why I couldn't shake it. The music? Beautiful. The costumes? Legendary. The story? Problematic, of course, but beside the point.

One day during a college break – I believe the summer, but what does time mean these days anyway – I found myself home alone. None of the lights were on in the house and suddenly I had an idea: What if I watched "The Phantom of the Opera?"

I realize this sounds like some kind of strange torture. Why would I put myself through something like that? Actively seek out my discomfort and sit in it, soak in it?

The truth: Part of me always wanted to get over this, somehow, and maybe my subconscious just waited for an opportunity. Maybe more exposure to "Phantom" could finally help me listen to the music without checking behind my back every few seconds to make sure the Phantom wasn't hiding somewhere.

I put on the movie version starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. Is this a perfect adaptation? No, but it hits all the major beats, so to speak. To quote another musical, something "changed within me" that day. Sure, everything that scared me still scared me. But something else happened. I ... appreciated it. I loved it. I saw the Phantom's pain, Christine's internal conflict and marveled at the music. My fears evaporated slightly. Maybe this worked after all.

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Is it worth unpacking what scared me in the first place?

If I were to slip on my therapy goggles – I have a master's degree in writing, not psychology, to be extra clear – maybe the Phantom scared me because I looked at a version of myself in the mirror. A queer allegory: Someone ashamed of who he was, someone who'd rather lurk in the shadows and pine for a life instead of living the one he had. Someone who knew, someday, he'd have to confront his sexuality and pass through a metaphorical mirror into the unknown.

Or I'm digging too hard and the whole hiding in mirrors and mask thing contributed to the bulk of the fear. Let's call it a little bit of both, shall we?

Now, I'm still a little scared. But I watch this 25th anniversary production of the show every few months and let myself take in the music, the majesty, the mayhem – and I only feel, like, 10% scared in my bathroom immediately after watching. I let myself hear the words of "The Music of The Night":

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams /
Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before /
Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar! /
And you'll live as you've never lived before

Thank you, Phantom. Consider my spirit soared.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: 'Phantom of the Opera' closing on Broadway: How I got over my fear