Parents Who Lost Son to Suicide Ask Strangers to Scatter His Ashes Around the World: 'This Has Changed Lives'

Courtesy Hallie Twomey Hallie and John Twomey with their son, CJ, in Texas at Lackland Air Force Base in 2008.

After Hallie Twomey lost her son CJ to suicide, she was deep in grief. Then, she found an unexpected way to remember him.

In November 2013, three years after she and her husband John lost their 20-year-old son, an Air Force veteran, Hallie posted an unusual request on her Facebook page: Would someone be willing to take some of CJ's ashes on a trip? "I thought, in some way, our son could visit the places he never got to see," says Hallie in this week's issue of PEOPLE.

Since she put out that call on Facebook, more than a thousand people — mostly strangers —brought CJ's ashes to more than 750 locations worldwide, including the Antarctic coast, Easter Island and even up to space on a private rocket.

"There's not a place in the world we wouldn't be close to our son," says Hallie, now 52. "They are gifts keeping his spirit and memory alive. For a mom who doesn't want him forgotten, that's pretty amazing. It brings me a measure of peace."

Peace seemed impossible 12 years ago — in April 2010, their lives were torn apart. After receiving an honorable discharge from the military, CJ had moved back home with his parents to Auburn, Maine, but "didn't have a sense of what he was going to do next," Hallie says. One spring day, an argument led to CJ storming out to his car with a gun his parents didn't know he had. With his mom and dad just steps away, CJ took his life. "I blame myself every day," Hallie says. "We'd give anything to go back and help him."

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For a long time "we were just numb," says John, 53. Says Hallie, "Suicide is a hideous beast. It leaves utter devastation behind. The ripple effect is never ending."

Through their project and a newly released documentary, Scattering C.J. (airing nationwide on PBS stations on Sept. 16 and streaming now on pbs.org), the Twomeys hope to open the conversation around suicide. "We need to teach our kids to ask for help," she says.

Documentary director Andrea Kalin, who followed the family for four years while filming, wants the film to be a tool for change: "Hopefully people come out of it with their assumptions challenged," says Kalin, who found herself changed by the experience.

During her work on the film, her son lost his friend to suicide. "Because I was making the film, I felt better equipped to be able to navigate through this, but it was so painful," Kalin says. "Hallie teaches us to hold hope and grief in the same space. This story restores your faith in humanity. It's extraordinary something so full of life came out of so much loss and pain."

Courtesy Hallie Twomey Diver William Stevens at Lake Ouachita, Arkansas with CJ's remains.

The Twomeys have become close to several of the "scatterers," as the helpers have come to be known, like diver William Stevens who, eight years ago, left a plaque containing CJ's ashes near an underwater statue of the Virgin Mary in Lake Ouachita, Arkansas. "I told Hallie 'Mary also lost her son and probably feels the same way you do,'" says Stevens, 53, himself an Air Force and National Guard veteran. "We dive down and visit him all the time."

And for Australian Kelly Vella, scattering CJ was a moment for her family to share. In 2015, Vella, her children and their extended family — 12 in all— hiked to a waterfall on Viti Levu Island, Fiji, where they scattered CJ's ashes. "To think he'll keep moving through the air, the water, it's a beautiful global connection," says Vella, 43, a graphic designer who sent a video of their journey to the Twomeys. "It's opened conversations in our family."

Courtesy Hallie Twomey A volunteer scatterer spreads ashes over Cappadocia, Turkey.

But despite the circle of support, the truth is, Hallie and John say their family will never be whole. "The sickening feeling never goes away," says John. Says Hallie, "He's there every day. It's my first thought when I open my eyes and when I'm brushing my teeth."

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But they try to move forward. Nine years ago, Hallie donated a kidney to a stranger ("I knew CJ would be proud of me."), and in 2018, the couple left their home in Maine for Florida. In September, their son Connor, 28, is getting married in Maine: "He made a conscious decision to make his brother proud and live every bit of life because CJ can't."

While Hallie no longer seeks out volunteers to take CJ on his final journeys, she still sends out ashes every few months to people whose stories touch her, measuring out teaspoons of CJ's remains into tiny plastic bags, and asking scatterers to tell him his family loved him — and that his mom was sorry. "I desperately want my son remembered for more than that last moment," she says. "I want his legacy to be that other CJs don't follow in his footsteps."

If you or someone you know is struggling or needs mental health resources, call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a trained crisis counselor.