Before the hosts began their opening monologue, DJ Khaled took the stage to introduce the “three queens.” The musician praised Hall, Sykes and Schumer’s outfits before he shouted out nominee Will Smith and asked when Bad Boys 4 will come out. Hall, Sykes and Schumer then directed DJ Khaled off stage as they noted he had “a lot of energy.”
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Read the full transcript of Hall, Schumer and Sykes’ monologue below.
Regina Hall: All right. We are here at the Oscars.
Wanda Sykes: Yes. That’s right. Where movie lovers unite and watch TV.
Amy Schumer: This year the academy hired three women to host because it’s cheaper than hiring one man. It’s fun, right?
Hall: You’re right, you’re right. But I’m still excited to be hosting, representing Black women who are standing proud.
Sykes: Yes and out loud.
Schumer: Yes. And I am representing unbearable white women who call the cops when you get a little too loud.
Hall: You know, we’ve been dealing with COVID for two years. It’s been really hard on people.
Schumer: Yeah, I am just look at Timothee Chalamet. [The camera cut to J.K. Simmons in the audience.]
Sykes: What happened?
Schumer: I don’t know. It’s not good. It’s not good.
Hall: You know what? I’d still smash. [Chalamet was shown laughing in the audience.]
Sykes: You’d still smash? Okay.
Schumer: As many of you know, a decision was made to present some behind the scenes award in the first hour.
Sykes: It was a controversial and difficult decision but, you know, I think we’ve moved on.
[Lights on the stage briefly malfunction as all three of the hosts say: “Wait a minute.”]
Sykes: We’re all union.
Schumer: Yeah, come on. It’s not our decision.
Sykes: There was a lot of snubs this year. Rachel Zegler for West Side Story, then Jennifer Hudson for Respect and Lady Gaga and Jared Leto for “House of Random Accents.”
Schumer: This is kind of sad. You know what’s in the In Memoriam package this year?
Sykes: What’s that?
Schumer: The Golden Globes. They didn’t have any Black people. They didn’t have any Black members.
Hall: No, they had to go. You know, I was very disappointed that Space Jam 2 did not get nominated in that special effects category for that hairline they gave LeBron James.
Sykes: Oh my God. Amazing.
Hall: It was really good. It was really good.
Sykes: Black Twitter is gonna love that one.
Hall: I think so.
Schumer: Yeah, what is that.
Hall: No, no, no.
Sykes: No, it’s not for you.
Hall: You know, this year we saw a frightening display of how toxic masculinity turned into cruelty towards women and children.
Sykes: Damn that Mitch McConnell.
Hall: I know, I know. But you know, I was actually talking about The Power of the Dog.
Sykes: Oh yes. You know, I watched that movie three times and I’m halfway through it.
Schumer: You’re at the best part. That’s the best.
Hall: Yeah, yeah. One more week and you’re in there.
Schumer: Stay with it!
Hall: Yeah, stay with it. You know, Samuel L. Jackson is here. There he is. He just got the Governor’s Award for his lifetime body of work.
Schumer: Did you just “eh” Samuel L. Jackson?
Sykes: I mean I love him. You know, he’s my guy, but I’m gonna be honest. There’s a few holes in his resume.
Sykes: No, for real. Like where’s the Sam Jackson rom-com? Like where’s Sam Jackson and Jenifer Lewis in “When This Mofo Met that Mofo?” Or the sequel, “Bitch I said I Loved you?”
Schumer: He likes it. He likes it.
Hall: No, you know what? You’re right. And where’s his musical? “Rent, Ho, Where’s My Rent?”
Schumer: I’d stream that. I’d stream it.
Hall: No, it’s good.
Sykes: Well we’re gonna have a great night tonight. And for you people in Florida, we’re going to have a gay night.
Hall, Schumer and Sykes in unison: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Sykes: We’re your Oscars hosts. I’m Wanda Sykes
Schumer: I’m Amy Schumer.
Hall: And I’m single.
Schumer: OK, Regina, I mean it’s not the time for that. And providing the soundtrack for the next hour, give it up for the incomparable D-Nice!
Sykes: Welcome everybody to the Oscars!
Following an introduction that named some of the night’s nominees and presenter, Schumer took the stage alone to poke fun at a number of the movies nominated at the awards show.
Read the full transcript below of what Schumer said before the first award was presented.
I’m back out here. I’m back. I’m Amy Schumer or as they know me in Hollywood, “Melissa McCarthy said no.”
No, I’m not just here tonight as a model, but as a mother. Not bad for a year, right? (Turns to the side.) Not bad. It’s been two, closer to three.
We’re at the Oscars. I mean, this is it. This is a dream come true! I can’t even believe it,” she said. “The only thing, the only place I can think of that could be better than this is home. Home is the best, right? All my pills are there. But, you know, this is so exciting.”
I just want to congratulate all of you. During a raging pandemic, you made a movie. Give yourselves a hand, that’s incredible. You did it. It’s huge. And yet they weren’t all great, right? A lot of them were pretty hard to understand. You know who you are.
I didn’t see many of them. I didn’t see them, but I have a toddler so I just watched Encanto 190 times. Inspirational isn’t it?
After years of Hollywood ignoring women’s stories, this year we finally got a movie about the incredible Williams sisters’ dad. Will and Jada, what a beautiful couple.
We’re honoring a lot of beautiful couples here tonight against. Jada and Will Smith, Penelope and Javier Bardem, Maggie and Jake Gyllenhaal. A night for lovers.
What other movies are nominated? Don’t Look Up is nominated. Yep, I guess the Academy members don’t look up reviews. Wait a minute. I loved that movie. Jennifer Lawrence was amazing in it even though she did gain some weight this year. And I mean, Leonardo DiCaprio, what can I even say about him? He’s done so much to fight climate change and leave behind a cleaner, greener planet for his girlfriends. Because he’s older. And they’re younger. OK, you get it, yeah.
This is such an intimidating room to be in. All my heroes are here, so many amazing filmmakers. I mean Aaron Sorkin, a genius. Truly, right? I mean, the innovation to make a movie about Lucille Ball without even a moment that’s funny. Not your fault, Nicole! You’re great.
But I mean, if you’re Aaron Sorkin, how do you make a movie about the most iconic female comedian, not one laugh. Brilliant, it’s brilliant. It’s like making a biopic about Michael Jordan and just showing the bus trips between games. Amazing.
I wanted to say that I loved CODA, okay. My favorite movie. Thank you. (Signs this line.)
This is the highest honor for a comedian. It is such a dream come true to perform for all of you, so thank you for having me. My plan is to stay present as hell until I black out.
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