The Academy Awards enable Hollywood’s elite to gather and celebrate the finest motion pictures of the year. They also enable rich and famous nominees to receive complimentary swag bags overflowing with vampire breast lifts, vape pens, vibrators and luxury trips to Israel.
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In what has become an annual tradition, Distinctive Assets — the company responsible for pulling together the swag bags, which are not affiliated with the Academy — revealed what’s in this year’s treasure chest of nonsense, valued at more than $200,000 a piece. As The Hollywood Reporter notes, the bags are only given to the nominees in the acting and director categories — you know, the people who need them most — and must be written off on the recipients’ taxes. But no one minds doing a little IRS paperwork if it means getting access to so much gloriously unnecessary stuff, am I right? Here’s a list of some of the more expensive and/or ridiculous items in this year’s bag ‘o swag:
— A $1,900 Vampire Breast Lift. According to The Daily Beast and as quoted from Distinctive Assets’ press release, this is not — I repeat, NOT — breast enhancement surgery performed by Robert Pattinson. It’s actually the “new secret ‘must have’ in Hollywood” that “uses a woman’s own blood” to “revive rounder cleavage without implants.” I’m sure Adam McKay — nominated for The Big Short, a film about the ultra-rich getting even richer by exploiting the banking system and effectively sucking the financial lifeblood from unsuspecting Americans — will be extra-excited to get one of these.
— A $5,530 laser skin-tightening procedure.
— A $55,000 trip to Israel that includes a 10-day stay at a five-star hotel, meals, transportation and private security.
— A $45,000 15-day walking tour of Japan.
— A $249.99 Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer, which is a pointless gift because nominee Leonardo DiCaprio probably has 80 of these already.
— $45,000 worth of free Audi A4 rentals.
— A $6,250 Fit Club TV “Ultimate Fitness Package” in a private villa.
— $300 worth of personalized M&Ms. If Matt Damon had some of these in The Martian, maybe he wouldn’t have needed to grow so many potatoes.
— Two separate $5,000 trips to Italy
— $275 of Swiss-made toilet paper. So good that $275 only gets you one roll.
To read an even longer list of the infuriatingly overpriced swag bag items that Jennifer Lawrence and Sylvester Stallone don’t need and probably don’t even want, visit the New York Daily News.
Photo: Photo by Matt Sayles/Invision/AP, File