I ordered Baldur's Gate 3's companions by how much their first dates would suck in real life

Larian's titanic RPG is out now, and the community has gone feral over romance options. They're slinging sticks, stones, and firebolts over which companion is the right choice for them—with one call for "Shadowheart simps to come forth" garnering 500 upvotes and some truly eye-melting comments.

Listen, you don't have to fight anymore! I'm here to provide a completely objective listing of Baldur's Gate 3's romanceable core cast—through the very scientific method of assessing their vibes and determining what they'd be like on a real-world first date.

Here's the twist: this ranking goes from the best to worst—nice dates come last, terrible dates come first. I have poor taste, and the first dates that stick with you are always horror stories. Besides, I've staunchly defended Astarion in public, so I'm basically an expert in ignoring red flags. Let's get stuck in.

6. Wyll, the socially well-adjusted

Wyll would treat you right—and that's why he's at the bottom of this ranking. He's conscientious, emotionally articulate, and patient—though he's prone to misfortune, which adds a little spice to an otherwise forgettably pleasant meet-cute.

Wyll's the kind of warlock to remember a band you'd mentioned offhand a month ago, buy two tickets, and surprise you with them. His clunker of a car breaks down on the way there, though. Still, you have a nice time going on an impromptu hike, and he even lends you his coat. Absolutely wonderful, completely forgettable—sorry, Wyll.

5. Karlach, a hot mess

You've had a long shift at work when you hear a knock on your door. It's Karlach, who twists your arm into coming to an underground metal bar—the beer's cheap and the best band you've never heard of is playing.

Random drunks keep trying to pick fights with her, though, so you both bounce and go trespassing into some abandoned factory, hucking bricks through any windows yet to be broken. You end the evening on the roof talking about your damage. 10/10, no notes.

Unfortunately, this list isn't about perfect scores, so off to number five she goes.

4. Gale, pondering his orb

Gale would invite you over to his high-rise apartment for some wining and dining, but you'd have to spend the whole conversation trying to get him to ask you a question—any question—about your life. Who is this Mystra chick, anyway?

Hope shines on the horizon when he gets into the practical applications of the Grease spell, which sounds exciting until you realise he's talking about his thesis. You fake a call and leave before he can really get into it.

He doesn't call you for like a month, though you find out through a friend of a friend that he's named a spell after you.

3. Shadowheart, whiplash incarnate

Just asking Shadowheart out involved a ton of eye rolling that made you brace for rejection—then, at the very last second, she asked you what time you were picking her up.

Shadowheart takes you out for a coffee somewhere nice, but she spends the entire conversation clinging onto her mug and staring wistfully out of the window at some roadkill across the street. "What do you like to do for fun?" you ask her, and she replies: "I can't remember." You try so hard to have something approaching a normal conversation, but the date's a complete disaster. Within a month you're living together.

2. Astarion, an irresistible red flag

Yes, I've come rallying to Astarion's defence in the past. I cannot, however, deny that he is a walking basket of red flags—absolutely gorgeous, which is why you asked him out in the first place, but he is the anti-gentleman. Chivalry is dead because he stabbed it in the back and drank its blood.

Astarion drags you to the fanciest restaurant in town, and proceeds to spend the entire thing complaining about the food, the wine, his outfit, your outfit, the weather, and his ex. Loudly. He doesn't have a single positive thing to say about the whole experience, but you're trapped by social convention and that damned smile of his. When the bill comes, he makes you pay for everything—though he insists you don't tip. Obviously, you call him back the next day.

1. Lae'zel, your doom

The only thing more shocking than the fact you asked Lae'zel out is the fact she said yes. Lae'zel doesn't take you anywhere—she instead sees this as a chance to prove yourself. Which is impossible.

You pull out all the stops—you take her to a nice restaurant, but she reduces your waiter to tears. You go to a gig, but she spends the whole time in the smoking area. On the way home, she keys someone's hybrid with one hand and roasts you on social media with the other.

All that's left is for you to delete your Facebook, move to a new country, and change your name—that or propose to her, and consign yourself to oblivion.