Are you in a one-sided relationship? Here's how to tell.
One-sided relationships can be paved with the best of intentions, such as wanting to make your partner happy or ensuring that the relationship lasts. But people often run into a problem not with the intention behind a relationship but with the execution.
When one person is making all the effort in a relationship, it can require twice the work. And, if a person is putting all their effort into their relationship, they run the risk of neglecting their own needs.
No one wants to be in a one-sided relationship, but we can find ourselves in that position if we fail to recognize that we are in one.
One-sided relationships are fairly easy to spot from the outside, but they incredibly difficult to recognize when they involve us.
I can't stop meeting great guys. Is it time to give up on my dating ban?
Are you in a one-sided relationship? Here are a few common traits of that can help you to identify if you are in one:
Your efforts are left unreciprocated. You find yourself initiating communication and other forms of intimacy (such as sex, cuddling and vulnerability). Do you send cute texts, organize dates, remember to ask your partner about their stressful meetings and buy them thoughtful gifts for their birthdays? Does your partner seem to take a long time to respond, cancel plans at the last minute or buy you gifts that reflect their hobbies and interests rather than your own? Do you feel like you’re putting in more effort than they are? If yes, this could be a sign.
They become the sole focus. It’s great to focus on your partner, but the entire relationship cannot center on only one person. In a one-sided dynamic, your needs are often left unacknowledged or deemed irrelevant. And soon enough, you can internalize their desires and goals and eventually convince yourself that you want exactly what they want, with their needs becoming your needs.
The relationship exists on their terms. Have you ever dated someone who only spent time with you when it was convenient for them? Maybe they would text you at the last minute and expect you to drop everything and join an activity that was more interesting to them than you. Of course, it’s necessary to be flexible and accommodating in a relationship, but these compromises need to be reciprocated.
The future is unclear. Pay attention when your partner talks about the future. Are you in the picture? If you are factoring the relationship into your plans for the future, it’s important to know that your partner is doing the same – otherwise you may be working towards a future they don’t want to be a part of.
The relationship is fueled by concern. Most one-sided relationships are fueled by a fear the other person will leave. It’s this fear of being alone, abandoned or rejected that overrides our willingness to prioritize ourselves or ask for the things we need. Not only is this a recipe for an unfulfilling relationship, but you may also experience disappointment or resentment when your partner prioritizes things over you (e.g. work, hobbies or friends). Everyone has their own priority list, it’s important to ensure that you and your partner are ranked similarly on each other’s lists.
You frequently make excuses for their hurtful behaviors. Deep down you know being assertive and honest about their behavior could cause conflict and increase the chances of your partner’s leaving – so you don’t call it out. Likewise, identifying their hurtful behavior would not only have the potential to upset your partner but also you. If you acknowledge your partner’s faults, it may place you in a position of having to take responsibility for choosing and staying in the relationship.
Frequent apologies. You notice yourself saying “I’m sorry” a lot. In one-sided relationships, people often apologize (even if something’s not their fault) as a way to maintain a homeostasis and feel in control. But these shallow apologies can create a false sense of security in the relationship. Alleviating your partner of responsibility won’t save the relationship in the long run.
What do I do if I am in a one-sided relationship?
If you find yourself in a one-sided relationship, take some time to consider if this is the right relationship for you.
If you want to try and make it work, it’s important to have an honest conversation with your partner. Let them know what patterns you have noticed, how you feel and what needs have been left unaddressed. Your partner can better understand how you’ve been experiencing the relationship if you're assertive. Then, set new boundaries and/or adjust old boundaries for the relationship. Boundaries are a blueprint that lets people know how to best connect with you and honor your needs. And, finally, if the pattern persists it might be time to walk away.
'I don't love my spouse anymore': How do I get out of my marriage if I don't want to put in the work?
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Relationship struggles: Your romance is one-sided. Here's how to know.
