“This is Me Now: A Love Story” review: An enjoyably bizarre J.Lo-lapalooza

Jennifer Lopez stars in this "cinematic odyssey," which is a curious blend of Hallmark movie, music video, and self-help seminar.

That Jennifer Lopez, she just loves love.

Since the late ‘90s, the singer/actress has served as our chief rom-com heroine both on screen (The Wedding Planner > Maid in Manhattan > Monster-In-Law >>> Marry Me) and off, whirling from high-profile romance to heartbreak and back again.

Twenty-two years ago, J.Lo fell in love with a strapping lad from Boston named Benjamin Affleck — a romance that inspired her 2002 album This is Me… Then. Their love blazed as bright as a 61-carat pink diamond for two years before ultimately exploding in a splatter of spray-tan and paparazzo flashes. Bennifer is dead! Long live Bennifer!

Oh, we of little faith. Didn’t Jennifer Lynn Lopez teach us that we should never give up on love? Indeed, almost two decades after that split, J.Lo and her Dunkin’ drinking soulmate reunited — and this time, they made it to the altar. Now Lopez is bookending her romantic journey with This is Me… Now: A Love Story, a “narrative-driven cinematic odyssey” streaming on Prime Video Friday, to coincide with her new album. A curious blend of Hallmark movie, music video, and self-help seminar, Love Story is enjoyably bizarre and will serve as a fun fling for die-hard Lopez fans.

The plot, such as it is, can be summed up thusly: Once upon a time, a luminous maiden named — God help us — “Artist” (Lopez) suffers a devastating heartbreak when her true love dies in a motorcycle accident. Emotionally shattered by the tragedy, she embarks on a tumultuous healing journey filled with toxic rebound relationships, a trio of failed marriages, and a little long-distance guidance from a celestial, celebrity-filled Zodiac council.

All of this plays out through elaborate, expensive-looking production numbers set to Lopez’s new music. (The singer financed the film with $20 million of her own J-Loot.) In “Hearts and Flowers,” we see the Artist haunted by dreams of a giant industrial factory where gorgeous, artfully begrimed female laborers harvest rose petals to fuel a massive iron heart that hangs ominously above them. Honestly, typing that sentence made me realize that Lopez likely intended for this “cinematic odyssey” to be experienced, not explained.

Despondent and afraid of being alone, she looks for redemption in a series of marriages. The undeniably catchy "Can't Get Enough" brings us a lavish sequence depicting the Artist's over-the-top fancy weddings — starring a trio of interchangeable husbands (Tony Bellissimo, Derek Hough, Trevor Jackson) — which represent our heroine's tendency to make the same mistake multiple times. Alas, all these unions end with the Artist and her husband breaking up in front of their couples therapist (Fat Joe, sporting a variety of snazzy cardigans).

Watching all this self-destructive behavior unfold is the aforementioned Zodiac Council, who puzzle over the Artist’s poor decisions from the comfort of their heavenly roundtable. “What’s with her and all the bad boys?” wonders Scorpio (Keke Palmer). “Why does she always need to be with somebody?” laments Sagitarius (Jane Fonda). Not surprisingly, these Zodiacal interludes (which also feature Sofia Vergara, Trevor Noah, Post Malone, Jenifer Lewis, among others) are the most entertaining thing about Love Story. The performers are more or less following the script (penned by Lopez and Matt Wilson), but they’re also just out there vibing. “Sometimes I chew my hair,” muses Vergara’s Libra. “I need a nap!” barks Lewis’ Gemini. Palmer does a pretty solid Maya Angelou impression.

The moral of this big-budget story is as facile as it gets — if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? —  and those fans hoping for a swoony, happily-ever-after appearance from Lopez’s true love will be disappointed. Affleck’s distinctive jawline does make a cameo or two, but the actor’s full face only appears under layers of prosthetics. (He plays a folksy, gruff-voiced TV commentator who delivers monologues lamenting the loss of human connection in modern society.)

As for the music? It’s not bad. “Can’t Get Enough” is a certified bop, and two other dance tracks, “Rebound” and “Hearts and Flowers,” have memorable hooks. The title track, which the Artist performs with — please don’t shoot the messenger — her inner child (Bella Gagliano), is an unremarkable empowerment anthem. But who among us comes to a J.Lo joint just for the music? She is more than a pop star, an actress, a fragrance mogul — Jennifer Lopez is spectacle. Then, now, and always. Grade: ❤️

This is Me...Now: A Love Story premieres Friday, Feb. 16, on Prime Video.

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