OK, who else can't wait for Tierra's eyebrows to reveal the secrets of pluckitude? Wait, that isn't going to happen? Bummer …
We were waiting for a real reckoning in the "Women Tell All" special installment of "The Bachelor," but that apparently wasn't going to happen. Once we realized that AshLee and Selma (seriously … AshLee and Selma, aka the nicest, most innocuous girls in the house) were the designated Tierra grillers, we knew that this so-called "Women Tell All" episode would, in fact, tell us very little. Here are the nine things we actually learned:
1. Selma and Tierra were, like, totally BFF in the beginning.
Honestly, the way Selma talks about her early friendship with Tierra sounds pretty close to her relationship with Sean. The two women were superclose until, as Selma explains, "There's only so many times I'll be hurt that way." So, was Selma's heart broken by Sean … or Tierra?
2. Lesley M. is still the best quipper in the house.
Look, we know Desiree or AshLee will probably be the next Bachelorette, but how can you not love Lesley's zingers, like her dry delivery of "Tierra's sparkle didn't sparkle that big." Plus, she coined the term "Tierra-ist." If she's not the next Bachelorette, the Tierra-ists win.
3. Nobody -- repeat, nobody -- thought Tierra's injuries were real.
AshLee says: Her fall down (up? sideways? flash-forward?) the stairs wasn't real.
Lesley M. says: Her hypothermia (lack of coffee? need for a new manicure? desire to wear that silvery blanket thingy?) wasn't real.
We say: Real or not real, those injuries kinda worked for her. And we liked talking about them.
4. Tierra wanted to throw away that first rose. Or so she claims.
When Tierra finally makes her entrance into the "Women Tell All" special, she basically accuses the women of jealousy. "They immediately judged me based on what I look like instead of the inner person, the heart I have, the family I come from," she complains. And apparently, Sean told her not to worry about stuff; what Sean did or did not tell various women will become a recurring theme. Stay tuned.
5. Tierra regrets nothing. And anyway, she's engaged now, so there.
"There's nothing I feel that I did to these girls intentionally," she says with a shrug. "I didn't say one bad thing about one of these girls."
But what does @TierrasEyebrow think? Inquiring minds want to know!
Whatever. The season's "villain" doesn't care since Tierra got engaged, like, three seconds after professing her feelings for Sean in St. Croix. Let's hope the couple and the eyebrow live happily (and hairily) ever after.
6. Sarah doesn't need a boyfriend; she needs some better girlfriends.
The instant we heard the gorgeous Sarah say the utterly pathetic line, "It's the worst to be told you're great but not good enough for me," we wanted to send her our phone number. Seriously, girl, you are too beautiful to feel sorry for yourself. Text us for some girl power, please.
7. Desiree admits to having the worst hometown date in "Bachelor" history.
Well, at least she no longer thinks Sean made "the worst mistake of his life." Des still loves her brother, even if he is a total, uh, jerk, and more importantly, she's over Sean and ready to move on.
"I am looking forward to the future and I am very open to finding love," she says. That's all I want."
[… on "The Bachelorette," she adds in her mind, but not out loud.]
We like Des. We like Lesley M. Anyone up for a "Bachelorette" brawl?
8. AshLee says; Sean says …
This is why "The Bachelor" should totally plant cameras in the fantasy suites. And no, you filthy-minded readers, not to see … stuff, but to corroborate the whole "he said, she said" that inevitably pops up during the "Women Tell All" special.
In an unsual "Bachelor" move, they show us some of the pair's conversation during the commercial break. AshLee wholeheartedly believes Sean told her during their fantasy suite time that he didn't have anything special with the other women. A seemingly genuine Sean says he never claimed such a thing. The reason she didn't say anything to him during her walk-of-elimination shame was because of what (she believed) he told her during their fantasy suite alone time. And the worst for Sean: AshLee basically calls him a frat boy.
So, basically, we'll never really know the true story with these two. If there are nanny cams and cat cams, why can't there be "What did the bachelor really say in the fantasy suite?" cams. It can be PG, fine. But we just want to know the truth. (We can handle it!)
9. Sean cannot open a bottle of wine to save his life.
Seriously, the dude cannot work a corkscrew. It's kind of pathetic. Maybe this is why they show him shirtless all the time.
Check out Twitter reactions to the "Women Tell All" episode of "The Bachelor," and then sound off in the comments below!
Sad that "Magic" died. For a second, I thought she was the most interesting girl on #Bachelor & was rooting for her.— CIA Spy Girl (@CIAspygirl) March 5, 2013
Props to AshLee for not mentioning her abandonment issues once. #Bachelor— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) March 5, 2013
Watch the full episode:
"The Bachelor" airs Mondays at 8 PM on ABC.