Confronted with a "psych, the Race is still on" pit stop, father/son team Dave and Connor choose to keep racing, although Dave's leg is getting more painful -- but the Race leg isn't so bad (the next task is to fly to Bali, so at least he can sit for a while).
After the teams scramble around at travel agencies rather boringly (except for Katie, who's running as though a No. 2-finish is imminent), the teams give coconuts to monkeys in Bali; the monkeys open the coconuts and find the teams' next clue. YouTube Joey's narration of the monkey's inner thoughts needs to be eliminated, but soon enough we're on to the…
Phil, wearing a sarong over jeans because he's good like that, introduces the tasks: Sandy Bottom (portage river-bottom sand up a hill to fill a basket) or Fruity Top (prepare a religious offering, a Carmen-Miranda-hat stack of fruit that will be blessed by a priest when it's correct). None of the teams found the names as amusing as we did -- and almost none of them chose Sandy Bottom except the Roller Moms. Caroline and Jen seem to have chosen Fruity Top because they love everything "with religion," and between that, the story of the flying squirrel one of them kept in her bra (…? We don't even know. It died of loneliness. Please don't make us watch it again to explain), and the singing in the cab, the bandmates are officially on our nerves in clogs.
[Related: Cindy Crawford Visits 'Oprah's Master Class']
Meanwhile, Wynona thinks Chuck should rock the Fruity Top because it's kind of like his taxidermy. Vegetarian taxidermy. We…guess. Jessica and John, meanwhile, have blundered into a civilian's backyard and are building an offering out of his stuff…and a breath mint. The guy is like, "Americans, amirite?"
They're still struggling to build the fruit correctly, John refusing either to look at how other, successful teams have built the tower or to consider using the Express Pass, which is designed for exactly this sort of frustrating situation. John is using a lot of life-coach lingo like seeing their screw-ups as an opportunity, while Jess tries to resist snatching the EP out of his fanny pack and sprinting to the nearest Phil without delay. "Hasty hasn't worked for us so far" is another one of John's gems, and somehow Jess fails to point out that the show ain't called "The Amazing Anthony Robbins Fire-Walk." It's a race, son! Hasty it up!
But no. Flailing on the fruit, they decide to switch to Sandy Bottom, and use the Express Pass if they see the Roller Moms there. But the Roller Moms, and everyone else, have already left for the…
One team member has to find a surfboard with a thing everyone has "encountered" on the Race. It's a priest who gave them a blessing on the second leg, and most Racers spot it no problem (Max cracks that it's the guy who married him and Katie), but Caroline needs three tries and a nice cry on a bench to get it done, while Bates and Chuck are wandering all over the shop -- and, in classic "TAR" style, straight past bright yellow-and-red arrows -- trying to find Phil.
[Related: "What Not To Wear" ending after 10 seasons]
Jessica and John arrive when the sun is going down. You can probably see where this is going.
THE FINISH LINE
Dave and Connor finish first again. Dave is clearly thrilled and proud of all the work Connor shouldered along the way; we can't help thinking that the idea that they probably can't win under the circumstances is actually relaxing them, also, and helping them not to make stressy mistakes. Also, Connor is the man.
Everyone else files in in about the order you'd expect -- Caroline finally gets the right surfboard on the third try; Chuck manages to come in eighth after a brief spelunking adventure -- but John is still back at the surfboards. A snarky "time elapsed" chyron tells us more than an hour has gone by; John is wearing a headlamp. He refuses to give in until he's found the right board, which is admirable, but immediately starts spinning it as "something to be proud of" despite their last-place finish and elimination. "Nothing we can do about that," John beams, as Jessica makes "BUT WE HAD AN EXPRESS PASS YOU FOOLIO" faces. Informed by Phil that they're the only team to get eliminated while still holding an Express Pass, John is utterly unfazed. That relationship is not making it back to the States, y'all.
Twitter? Flabbergasted, unsurprisingly:
@raaaawth james got sent home on survivor china with 2 immunity idols in his pocket lol stupidity had to spread to amazing race eventually
— Jamila Bayne (@_Jillina_) March 11, 2013
— MS (@Myridana) March 11, 2013
After John's last delusionally cheery "no regrets" comment on the mat, we cut away from Jessica (probably) kicking him in the goolies to Phil spreading his hands and saying directly to camera, "Oy vey." Totally turning that into a ringtone.
Could you believe John wouldn't consider the Express Pass -- or that Jess didn't make him? Do you think Dave and Connor have a shot at this thing, or that Joey should consider entering a quiet contest? How's Phil's Yiddish? Talk to us in the comments.
"The Amazing Race" airs Sundays at 8 PM on CBS.