‘New Celebrity Apprentice’: Normalizing Schwarzenegger
It was clear within a few moments of the tedious New Celebrity Apprentice that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the wrong person to take over Donald Trump’s job of grilling and firing contestants. Indeed, the more logical choice was sitting just to Schwarzenegger’s left in the boardroom: Clearly, Tyra Banks — hired on as an “adviser” this season — is a superior personality for this particular role: more firm, decisive, articulate, and, occasionally, funny.
As it stood during Monday night’s bloated two-hour premiere, Schwarzenegger swapped out Trump’s signature “You’re fired” catchphrase with tired ones you or I could have predicted as soon as you heard Arnold was the new host. “Carrie, you’re terminated,” he said in ousting some pleasant-seeming “YouTube celebrity” named Carrie Keagan. “Carnie, you’re terminated — hasta la vista, baby!” Arnold told Carnie Wilson in the night’s other exit line. Calling a former member of Wilson Phillips “baby”?: now there’s a bold anti-PC move for the dawning Trump era.
Related: ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Recap: New Boss in Town
The celebrities assembled for the season included the usual mix of has-beens (Vince Neil and Boy George — for the latter I reserve great nostalgic affection), wannabes (two members of the Real Housewives franchise), athletes including Laila Ali and Ricky Williams, the obligatory comedian (Jon Lovitz — he’s no Gilbert Gottfried), and a bunch of who-cares (Brooke Burke-Charvet, Carson Kressley, American Ninja Warrior host Matt Iseman).
Then there was the uniquely unqualified Snooki, clinging to show business by her Jersey Shore-manicured fingernails, claiming that she was “here to do what I do best, which is entertain people.” Sure, Snook — and maybe four years from now you can run for president, too.
The problem with Schwarzenegger is that, unlike Trump, there’s no relish in his malice, no delusion in his self-importance. Trump was fun to watch because he took his own fame and authority seriously at a time when he could be dismissed as a pufferfish in a three-piece suit. Schwarzenegger tries for some of that bluffness — reaching for a thick cigar after “terminating” someone — but it comes off a little desperate, as is his insistence upon being addressed as “governor” in the boardroom. Arnold was aided in his judgments by his nephew, Patrick, a lawyer whom his uncle says represents some of the biggest names in Hollywood — a claim I believe about as much as I do the notion that Eric Trump is a wily businessman.
No, it was Tyra — there to promote her makeup line — who had the true, natural air of authority on Monday night. Her criticisms of the men-versus-women teams were crisp and to-the-point; there was no strain in her assertiveness. But there was never going to be any chance that Trump would let a woman succeed him as Celebrity Apprentice host, was there? Ultimately, Banks got off easy: Had she been nominated as the star of this particular show, viewers might well have sent NBC emails and tweets to “lock her up.”
The New Celebrity Apprentice airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on NBC. Watch clips and full episodes of Celebrity Apprentice on Yahoo View.
