Nandor the Relentless Is the Man You Wish You Were
- Oops!Something went wrong.Please try again later.
This week, Esquire is celebrating Halloween season with an ode to our favorite nocturnal creature: the humble vampire. Whether you want to relish in the beauty of What We Do in the Shadows's Nandor, relive the indelible camp of Twilight, or simply catch up on the best vampire novels and films, we’re here to provide a smattering of vampire-themed stories, made just for you. So grab your garlic and a stake, dear reader—we’re taking a trip to the underworld.
TikTok podcasting bros are right about one thing: there are no real men around anymore. Kylie Jenner is dating Timothée Chalamet, a man she could snap in half by simply sitting on him. Harry Styles is always parading around in feather boas and sequins. Seriously, where have all the real men gone? The '80s-action-hero kind of dude. Big, hairy, hulking guys—who are brooding, commanding, sexual, and... relentless.
I can think of only one such man—and he lives in New York City, just a few miles away from me. Staten Island, specifically. On a little street, in a spooky-looking house, lives a womanizing vampire. All of the regular human men in the world? They could stand to learn a lesson from him. No, it's not Pete Davidson.
It's Nandor the Relentless.
If you’re unfamiliar with Nandor, who has appeared on FX’s What We Do in the Shadows for five seasons (and counting), he is a 761-year-old former Ottoman conqueror. In 1262, he was born in Al Qolnidar, and now lives with his friends Laszlo, Nadja, and Colin Robinson in Staten Island. Though Nandor often reminisces fondly on his days of pillaging and conquering, he is a well-adjusted city dweller, who spends his time hitting the gym, dreaming of romance, and hanging out with his friends and his familiar, Guillermo. He sleeps all day, of course, so as to not burn alive in the sunlight. But when he comes out at night, there are a few key tidbits you regular human men could pick up from him. Grab your notebook—I’ll walk you through them (with visual references included).
First, of course, is the skincare. It comes with the vampire territory, but Nandor knows that the secret to youthful, glowy skin—even after centuries of living—is to avoid those harmful UV rays at all costs.
While we’re on the topic of self-care, when is the last time you saw a regular human man with a long, luscious half-updo? There is no world in which Nandor the Relentless’s silky-smooth hair is achieved without his masterful daily use of a Dyson AirWrap, a silk pillowcase inside his coffin, and likely some Nutrafol supplementation. Meanwhile, your balding human man’s solution to his woes is a baseball cap. A man who takes the time for his hair? It pays dividends. Major green flags.
We can’t discuss the physical without acknowledging the time Nandor takes for his body. As he explains his Second Amendment rights in his U.S. citizenship interview: “If it's a nice day, you should have the right to bare your arms.”
Nandor hits Massive Fitness, the 24-hour gym in Staten Island, every night in his traditional gym pantaloons. (Your tight GymShark fit could never.) His only mistake in courting the human woman receptionist? Sending his friend Laszlo inside wearing the Cloak of Duplication in his stead.
Anyway, that human woman receptionist doesn’t matter, because Nandor already has thirty-seven wives. Or rather, he had thirty-seven wives back in Al Qolnidar. In the present day, he chose Marwa as his one and only, which was fine for a while, until Guillermo brought home that British boyfriend, Freddie. What’s a guy to do when his familiar brings home a hot new boyfriend? Nandor simply had Marwa turned into a Freddie clone! Which was no problem, because Nandor doesn’t discriminate between girl wives and guy wives. His sexual prowess and fluidity knows no bounds. The more the merrier. Take notes, human men.
Of course, you can attribute much of Nandor’s charisma to his Ottoman Empire roots, where he did a lot of killing and pillaging. That kind of warrior experience adds a kind of je ne sais quoi that, in these modern times, is tough to replicate. Even tougher to parrot is Nandor's mysterious foreign accent. Like the ancient land of Al Qolnidar, this hot dialect is no longer heard all that much anymore. What you can do, however, is study Nandor's style. To be a real man, you must dress like one. I'm talking fur. Capes. Red velvet. Armor. Want to be treated like the king you are? Dress like it.
This is how we, as a society, embrace manhood again. Forget the suits, the cropped haircuts, and whatever this magazine is telling you to wear. Grab your chain metal orgy suits, your silk pillowcases, and your fangs. Looking to attract a wife*? Be more like Nandor.
*A girl wife or a guy wife—whatever you'd like.
You Might Also Like
