Mo'Nique Opens Up About Keeping Her Sexuality a Secret: 'I Promised That I Would Never Tell Anyone'

The Oscar winner gets emotional in her new Netflix special My Name Is Mo'Nique as she reflects on hiding her sexuality from her family

Mo'Nique is discussing her sexuality.

In her wide-ranging standup special My Name Is Mo'Nique, now streaming on Netflix, the Oscar winner, 55, recalled growing up in Baltimore and witnessing her grandmother MiMi's troubled relationship with one of her kids, made difficult because religious MiMi "could not come to grips that she had a gay daughter." Mo'Nique said she watched her "Uncle Tina" and MiMi "struggle" with each other, leading her to have "confusion."

"And I felt cowardly when my grandmother left, because I couldn't tell my grandmother who her granddaughter really was," Mo'Nique said through tears, referring to herself and her sexuality that she kept secret.

"I adored how she adored me," the comedian said, adding, "I couldn't tell my grandmother my secret thoughts and my fantasies 'cause I ... did not want her to leave this earth thinking she was a failure. Because had I told her my secret thoughts, she would have left thinking she had failed."

Mo'Nique then joked to the audience that she is not "all the way" a lesbian. She said she couldn't come out to her grandmother, explaining that she was unable to say it "out loud" to her.

Related:Mo'Nique on Why She 'Grew Out of' Open Marriage Arrangement with Husband: 'He Loved Me at My Worst'

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"Do you know how hard it is to keep a secret? Secrets cause cancer," she said. "... When you're born with that, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nothing. And please understand I tried."

Mo'Nique continued to open up about hiding her sexuality in the past, admitting she used to have sex with "as many" men as she could because she didn't want to be treated "like something was wrong."

She recalled, "I promised that I would never tell anyone, that I would take that to my grave. Because I saw how they treated the people in my family with that 'disease.' Because they made us believe it was a 'disease,' right?"

She said she was "so scared" when she wanted to finally tell her husband Sidney Hicks, fearing he'd "walk away from me." It was the first time she disclosed that side of herself out loud to anybody: "'I want to be with another woman sexually,' and he looked at me so beautifully and so patient and so loving and said, 'Bitch, me too.' "

Mo'Nique and husband Hicks, who is also her manager, got married in 2006 and they share 17-year-old twin sons.

The comedian previously shared in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter that she "grew out of" the desire for an open marriage, which she and Hicks have previously been candid about. "Life began to happen," she told the outlet. "I began to see a strength I had never seen before. He loved me at my worst. I didn't want to sacrifice that just for a lay. So I grew out of that."

Elsewhere in the Netflix special, Mo'Nique talked of her "respect" for the LGBTQ community for being "free enough to be their goddamn self" no matter what other people think or say.

Her new Netflix comedy special comes after she settled a racial and gender discrimination lawsuit against the steaming company following her lawsuit that accused the company of offering her less money for a standup special than other male or White female comedians. Details of the settlement, including dollar amounts, were not disclosed.

My Name Is Mo'Nique is now streaming on Netflix.

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