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MLB Power Rankings: Don't look now, but here come the Red Sox

tim brown
MLB columnist

Acquired under the Freedom of Information Act, kangaroo court records from baseball’s 30 clubhouses show why personal servers aren’t always a bad idea.

The rankings (records through Wednesday’s games):

1. Houston Astros (58-27; Previous: 1): It is illegal to drag out the first S in Astros for too long. Fine: $100.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers (57-29; Previous: 2): Eye contact with Kershaw – intentional or otherwise – on start day: $200. Intentional or otherwise eye contact with Kershaw’s bobblehead on start day: $25.

3. Arizona Diamondbacks (52-33; Previous: 4): Failure to wear a sports coat on the road: $150. Wearing current uniform: case-by-case basis.

4. Boston Red Sox (49-36; Previous: 7): At Fenway Park, it is considered bad form to leave a wet towel on the floor. Attracts vermin. And reporters. Hundred bucks.

5. Washington Nationals (50-34; Previous: 5): Hair in the sink will cost you $75. Werth running a tab, paying monthly.

6. Colorado Rockies (50-37; Previous: 3): Dirty dishes in the humidor: $100. Cigar ashes in humidor: that’s cool.

7. Milwaukee Brewers (47-40; Previous: 9): Do not spit sunflower seeds into the wrong cup. Braun’s sounded like he’s had kennel cough for a month. Fifty bucks.

8. New York Yankees (44-39; Previous: 6): While in dugout, it’ll cost you $100 if you ask Aaron Judge, “Permission to approach the bench?” Just dumb.

9. Cleveland Indians (44-39; Previous: 8): Native American war cries: $200 fine. Fangraphs WAR cries: no blood.

Eric Hosmer #35 of the Kansas City Royals is congratulated by teammates in the dugout after an official review confirmed he hit a three-run home run during the 4th inning of the game against the Minnesota Twins at Kauffman Stadium on June 30, 2017 in Kansas City, Missouri.
The Kansas City Royals are in the middle of a four-game winning streak. (Getty Images)

10. Kansas City Royals (44-40; Previous: 15): Step on the foul line, get a $50 fine. Also, white stuff on your shoe.

11. Minnesota Twins (43-41; Previous: 11): Loud music: $200. Soft Nickelback: $300.

12. Chicago Cubs (42-42; Previous: 10): Blaming the pitcher for his three-minute delivery time: you’re fired. Flipping off a president: meh.

13. Tampa Bay Rays (44-42; Previous: 12): The cut-off man is there for a reason. To applaud my laser-like throw. Here, take your hundred bucks.

14. Los Angeles Angels (44-45; Previous: 16): Lack of hustle is a $500 fine. Unless you probably would have been out anyway and it’s really swaggy.

15. Atlanta Braves (40-43; Previous: 22): Sighing and whining, “I miss Bart.” That’s 300 big ones, give or take.

16. St. Louis Cardinals (40-44; Previous: 19): You feed the Clydesdales, you carry the shovel. No fine.

17. Texas Rangers (41-44; Previous: 13): Touching the head of Adrian Beltre will cost you $50. Touching the head of the man who touched the head of Adrian Beltre will get your $50 back.

18. Baltimore Orioles (40-44; Previous: 18): Buck makes a pitching change, everybody drinks. It’s the rule.

19. Seattle Mariners (41-45; Previous: 17): Hundred bucks for double-dipping postgame salsa tray.

Catcher Russell Martin #55 of the Toronto Blue Jays and closer Roberto Osuna #54 embrace after their 4-1 win over the New York Yankees during a game at Yankee Stadium on July 4, 2017 in the Bronx borough of New York City.
The Blue Jays snapped a five-game skid earlier this week in New York. (Getty Images)

20. Toronto Blue Jays (39-45; Previous: 14): Talking to a pitcher in the midst of a no-hitter will bring a $200 fine, unless that pitcher is about to back into a roaring airplane propeller.

21. New York Mets (38-45; Previous: 24): Touch Syndergaard’s hairbrush? A small fine and a large electrical jolt.

22. Pittsburgh Pirates (39-46; Previous: 20): You know how much tobacco spit in a Styrofoam cup looks like coffee? Two hundred bucks.

23. Chicago White Sox (37-47; Previous: 25): Fail to replace the spent toilet paper roll the morning after Dollar Nacho Tub Night: two-game suspension.

24. Miami Marlins (38-45; Previous: 23): Throwing bats, helmets, gloves and other gear: that’s unprofessional and will cost you $200. Throwing entire seasons: that’s savvy business and will get you $1.3 billion.

25. Detroit Tigers (37-46; Previous: 21): Sunflower seeds in your pocket are OK. Half-eaten ham sandwich is not. Seventy-five dollars.

26. Oakland Athletics (37-48; Previous: 26): Addressing Billy Beane as “muchacho”: three laps.

27. Cincinnati Reds (36-48; Previous: 27): No, Mr. Red is not one of the Reservoir Dogs. Fifty bucks for that.

28. San Diego Padres (26-48; Previous: 28): Miss a bunt sign: $50 for lack of attentiveness. Miss a bunt sign and then hit a home run: $100 for showing up the manager.

29. San Francisco Giants (34-52; Previous: 29): A new tattoo depicting you soaking in a hot tub the shape of Bruce Bochy’s head will cost you $1,000.

30. Philadelphia Phillies (28-55; Previous: 30): Ten dollars if you flinch. Twenty dollars if you look at the standings and flinch.