Mental Health Matters: Feel unworthy? Fighting that thought starts with coping skills.
Lately I’ve felt like a fraud.
It started after I won an award from National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Texas for accurately covering mental health in my blogs and with this column in the Caller-Times. I was honored and grateful, but something kept nagging. Then it came to me — the thought that I was full of crap.
I feel like I give good advice in my columns and blogs, and I feel like I’m helping others, which is my goal. But I’m not the well-adjusted, healthy woman I sometimes seem. Often I don’t take my own advice. That’s the rebellious side of me my therapist always sees.
It’s not only that I ignore my own advice; I’m also dishonest with myself, lying about what I’m feeling and why.
Like with my eating disorder. Instead of managing difficult emotions that pop up, I shove food down my throat to feel happier. That happy feeling is a lie, too, because it’s only temporary and precedes guilt, shame and regret.
Cutting myself is a lie, too. Taking too much anxiety medication. Sleeping too much.Isolating. Compulsively shopping.
All lies, warning signs that tell me things are not right, that relapse is possible or near.
Instead of acknowledging those red flags, I engage in more unhealthy behavior. I fail to see that all the negative feelings I’m fleeing from only come back stronger. That they’re a barometer of how things really are in my life.
And right now, things aren’t looking too good.
It’s so painful and uncomfortable being me sometimes that all of my energy goes to escaping the pain. But I need to honor those emotions, even though it’s difficult. I have to be honest with myself whenever I get the near constant urge to binge or hide my thoughts.
I’m not well-adjusted. I’m not healthy. My mental health journey is far from over.
I can’t tell you why it’s so painful being me, but I suspect it’s because I have a core belief that I’m not good enough, that I’m not worthy. These beliefs fuel my compulsions and bad habits.
Now’s the time to dig deep and challenge those thoughts and dismantle them for good. I need to adopt new healthy ones. But how many times have I said these words?
I can do this. I can do hard things. I’m so close to a breakthrough, I know it. And even though I don’t always take my own advice, I have to remember to do the next right thing, one step at a time.
More:Mental Health Matters: Why coping with mental health issues shows resilience, not weakness
And I must remember that I won’t always feel this way. This is a screenshot in time. It won’t always feel so painful to be me. I won’t always be trudging through the mud. There are good days ahead. It’s okay to have bad days, and it’s okay to not be okay.
My blogs and columns will now serve as guideposts on my journey, breadcrumbs leading “back on track.”
I’ll slowly fill the gap between what I do and should do. Or want to do.
It’s time I tolerate difficult emotions like a big girl. I’m almost 40, surely I can get my unhealthy coping skills under control and stop overthinking it.
You’d think.
Somedays I feel so whole and mentally healthy, and others I can only manage the bare minimum which doesn’t include wearing real pants or having clean hair. But that’s okay.
I guess it doesn’t make me a fraud, it just makes me human. One with flaws, looking to do the next right thing.
That’s all we can really do.
For more than 20 years, Heather Loeb has experienced major depression, anxiety and a personality disorder, while also battling the stigma of mental health. She is the creator of Unruly Neurons (www.unrulyneurons.com), a blog dedicated to normalizing depression and a member of State Rep. Todd Hunter’s Suicide Prevention Taskforce.
MIND MATTERS
Now more than ever we need to take care of our mental health. Guest columnist Heather Loeb discusses why and explores other important mental health topics in this special series.
This article originally appeared on Corpus Christi Caller Times: Feel like a fraud? It's OK to have bad days. Keep fighting.
