Melissa Villaseñor on Why She Left Saturday Night Live: “I Had Little Panic Attacks”
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The post Melissa Villaseñor on Why She Left Saturday Night Live: “I Had Little Panic Attacks” appeared first on Consequence.
When Saturday Night Live returned for Season 48 this fall, it was missing Melissa Villaseñor, who had been with the show since 2016 — her best bits showcasing her jaw-dropping impressions and sharp silly characters. For those missing her unique voice, though, there’s Whoops . . . I’m Awesome, her new book featuring stories about her life alongside her own original artwork and fun activities for adults (get your copy here).
In the book, Villaseñor refers to her job as an SNL cast member in the present tense, because she finished writing the book this spring but made the decision to leave the show this summer. But, she says, “all these things were created during that time there. So I think it makes sense that it’s still present.”
When it comes to the decision to leave the show, Villaseñor says that it was a personal one. “I think it was getting a lot for me emotionally, the anxiety, and it came down to, ‘Do I want to keep having this feeling every week?'” she says. “It was just a rollercoaster, and I think I was like, ‘I don’t know if I could keep up with it.’ I don’t know if my body… I had little panic attacks and I was like, ‘Yeah, I don’t think I can keep going with it.'”
As she continues, “There was so much magic — when I got to shine and share what I wanted to, it was a dream come true. But I don’t think I was able to keep going with that anxiety on me.”
And when the new season premiered a few weeks ago, she didn’t watch. “I couldn’t. I felt like I’m still kind of going through that loss, or just that change. So I’m giving a little space and then I’ll tune back in. I think that’s what’s best for me right now.”
This moment in time is an era when more people are feeling empowered to make decisions just like this, and Villaseñor says that “I’ve noticed that what [those people] have been talking about is that the past years have taught them that whatever is putting a lot on you, you could set free. There’s a lot to do in this world, you know? It’s really cool to open up and step out of yourself and just take a look around at what else you could accomplish and do.”
The idea of creating Whoops . . . I’m Awesome came out of Villaseñor sharing her artwork online, she says: “After a few years of having a lot of artwork out there, especially on my Instagram, people were like, ‘Please make a book. Make a book’, and I was like ‘Yeah, I would love to make a book.’ Then I pieced them together with some stories, and Chronicle Books approached me and they suggested that people really enjoyed workbooks these days.”
It wasn’t an approach she’d initially considered, but “it kind of flowed really nicely, because a lot of my drawings are either hopeful, or they’re funny, or they’re relatable on the gloomy side. So I think it just gives a place for people to be a part of that, too, with silly activities — I just had to tune into the things that help me get to that lighter side of myself. It was just a process of piecing it together, and then the title came along — there were a few titles we were kicking around, and then I was just like, ‘Whoops, I’m awesome.’ I just thought it was really funny.”
While it’s not a long book, Villaseñor packs it with drawings, anecdotes about her life, and games for the reader to play, like filling in the blanks on the back of an imaginary cereal box, making a list of favorite scents, or a word search with a list of some favorite foods.
Diet and exercise are a particularly important part of the book, with Villaseñor getting candid about how, during her second season at Saturday Night Live, she got obsessed with how she looked on television, writing that:
I cut out a lot, and my body got super thin and weak. I felt dizzy and faint, and that things were going in slow motion — it wasn’t healthy. My hair began to fall out, and my bones would ache from the tiniest of workouts. I’m glad I got out of that harmful obsession because it could have gotten scary if I stuck with it much longer.
She says that what eventually pulled her out of that cycle was that “my body was starting to break down a little bit where I was losing hair and I was getting dizzy and it just wasn’t looking good. I think also it was just, like, family noticing — even at work too, they’re like ‘You’re looking a little way too thin.’ I think I just started getting back to eating and enjoying my life again. I got out of that cloud mentally, thankfully. It always ends up being like, the person has to find their way out of there.”
But she chose to discuss this in the book because “I think because it’s scary, and I think a lot of people could be going through that, whether they’re on TV or not. I think it was just me trying to make myself feel a little more invisible or something — it was really weird, but I think ultimately I was like, ‘We need to stay healthy but also not hurt ourselves. That was the whole food section — about eating and treating your body good.”
The book then goes on to feature some of her favorite (both healthy and less-than-healthy) foods and recipes, along with some of her favorite exercise routines, as part of a balanced approach to living. “Eat well and then work out — but don’t work out and not eat well. Because that’s what I was doing,” she says. “I was over-exercising and not eating enough. And your body’s like, ‘No, that’s not how it works. You gotta feed me.'”
In one section of the book, Villaseñor makes reference to loving books by her favorite comedians, which she tells Consequence includes those written by Anjelah Johnson-Reyes, Phoebe Robinson, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler. “I especially read female comics because I get it,” she says. “I think it helps me to read comedy books because it just reminds me to not take everything so seriously, too, because I tend to have that side. That’s why I made the book, to step out of that. It just feels good when you feel like, okay, someone else gets it. That’s all we want, all of us.”
The book proves to be a pretty personal work, which Villaseñor says came from the artwork being featured. “I would look at the drawings and kind of zone in on, ‘Well, where did this piece come from? What feeling did that come from? Where was I at in my life?’ And I think that helped connect the stories and personal details. Because I know what I was feeling from each of them and where I was.”
Not all of the art in the book gets a full explanation, but Villaseñor feels like that’s okay, because “what’s cool about art is that people get a different feeling of the piece. I did have my first little art show recently at The Other Art Fair here in LA and it was cool to just see how different people were finding what it meant to them. I liked that. I’m like, ‘Oh, that wasn’t it, but that’s really interesting.’ I think it’s really sweet.”
Beyond the book release, Villaseñor says that right now, “I’ve been meditating and visualizing on what I want next. It’s kind of funny how I’m almost doing what the book is saying, in a way, especially the visualizing and affirmations and asking out loud. I think I’m back in that place, which is great. I’ve done it before and I could do it again and I’m trying to channel and step into what I want next, and listen and pay attention because there’s a lot of noise. It’s like a tornado out there online and in life, and you’re like, what the hell am I supposed to do?”
So, she says, “I think the past few weeks I’ve just been quieting myself a bit, so I could listen to my heart and what it wants to do next. That’s where I’m at right now, and I think it’s good to give that space. A lot of folks are like, ‘You have to have another show to hop on, you have to.’ But I don’t think I could do that. I don’t think I work that way for sure and it’s unhealthy, it seems.”
She did recently film an appearance on an upcoming episode of the Jimmy Fallon-produced That’s My Jam — “it was super fun” — but her next project might be in a different space. “I sometimes wake up at like 4:00 AM and my brain is thinking of ideas, and there is something telling me I want something comforting next. I want something joyful and sweet.”
What form that might take — “like a show or a movie or just something feel good” — is up in the air. But “the past six years, it was constantly ‘Be funny, come up with funny things.’ I’m like, I don’t know if I want to keep feeling that, [the pressure to] keep being constantly funny.”
So, she says, “I’ve been watching Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers and classic variety shows, and I’m in a place right now where I’m enrolled in a few classes. I’m learning Spanish with a teacher in Mexico City. I’m taking guitar lessons. I’m going to start ceramics in December. I’m almost like a little kid right now where I’m like, I’m gonna explore. I’m gonna learn and see what’s gonna feel good. Whether that is like my own little variety show, I would want to be learning things. I didn’t do well in school. I didn’t go to college, so now I’m trying to really study and learn and it’s nice. Something’s making me feel like I wanna do something to help others and inspire and also be silly as well.”
Consequence noted at this point that a really good title for a show like that could be Whoops . . . I’m Awesome, for either kids or adults. “Or for kids and adults,” she agrees. “I was kind of thinking that my comedy isn’t really only adult. I feel like it is very childlike. But that is a pretty damn good show title. We shall see.”
Whoops . . . I’m Awesome is available now for purchase.
Melissa Villaseñor on Why She Left Saturday Night Live: “I Had Little Panic Attacks”
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