Having an affair with a married man is full of highs and lows, agony and ecstasy, and some days you may wonder if it’s all worth it.
If you are reading this article because a married man ghosted you, it can feel devastating. And now here you are, in the deepest of lows, wondering what the heck happened and why he disappeared.
From personal experience (and the experiences of my clients), there are several specific reasons why a married man having an affair would pull away from a relationship with his mistress.
The 5 main reasons why a married man ghosts the woman he's having an affair with:
1. He's freaking out, again
How many times have you and your married man broken up? I am guessing probably way more than once.
Are there times when he is overwhelmed with guilt and he declares that he just can’t see you again and you — tearfully — agree to say goodbye?
I can’t tell you how many times this happened to me when I was involved with a married man. We would be seeing each other regularly, seem really happy when we were together, and talk about our future together. Then, out of nowhere, he would get consumed by guilt and decide that he had to let me go.
It was so sad for me — especially those times when he would ghost me instead of being honest with me.
I would be devastated while wondering where he was. I felt sure in those moments that he had never really loved me. It was awful.
But every time, four weeks later, he would call me, for some small, stupid reason, we would agree to meet ‘as friends’, and the whole vicious circle would start up again.
2. He takes you for granted
I have a client whose married man regularly ghosts her. When their relationship is going just fine, out of the blue, she stops hearing from him.
What often happens during this time is that he is doing something with his family or friends. Perhaps it’s the weekend when he is skiing with his friends, on a vacation with his wife, or his in-laws may be visiting. For whatever reason, he doesn’t / can’t / won’t text.
And he doesn’t tell her ahead of time because he knows she will get mad, so he ghosts her when the time comes instead.
When a married man disappears from the woman he says he loves, he is taking her for granted. He assumes that, no matter what he does, she will be there for him when he gets back. And, more often than not, she is.
3. He doesn't want to disappoint you
On the other side of taking you for granted is the fact that he knows that if he tells you the truth, it won’t go well. Perhaps he's scared that he will hurt you. He might be worried that you will be angry or disappointed. And he knows that he can’t handle those kinds of emotions.
I can’t tell you how many times my married guy disappeared. He had no problem being there for me when things were going good, when he wanted my support, or he was interested in getting in my bed. But when it came to facing up to what was going on, he ran away.
He knew that he might hurt, anger, or disappoint me and he just couldn’t bear the idea of doing that.
Ironically, when he ghosted me he did all of those three things in an even bigger way. And it didn't do anything for my self-esteem when he returned again, telling me how much he missed me and couldn’t live without me.
But I let him back in — over and over.
4. His wife suspects an affair
More often than not, the #1 reason a married man will ghost you is that his wife suspects something.
I have a new client who reached out to me when her married man ghosted her. She was devastated and confused. He had made her so many promises and they were planning their life together, and for him to suddenly disappear was devastating.
He wrote her an email and told her that his wife found out and that they were trying to ‘work things out.’ His wife found their photos, texts, and shared Spotify playlists, and asked him about them. He told her that he had met someone and that they hadn’t been physically intimate yet, but had had an emotional connection.
His wife ordered him to never talk to her again unless they were at work. She now monitors all of his phone calls and text messages. And they are trying to work things out.
So, because of his wife, who was the more important person to consider, despite the promises he made to his girlfriend, he ghosted her. Leaving her feeling 'less than' and unimportant.
The upside of this particular ghosting is that she finally saw him for the person he really was and was happy to do the hard work to step away.
5. He met someone else
This one isn’t as common but it definitely is a thing.
Your married man may have decided that he needs someone else to make him feel less alone.
For many men, the thrill of the chase is what makes their affair partner compelling. Being physically intimate with someone new may be wonderful for men like this, but fantasizing about a life with someone, having someone take care of them, and having a distraction when things get boring, is also very attractive.
When the thrill of those things fades with the affair partner (which they always do), the married man moves on to someone new.
Your married man, instead of working on his unhappy marriage, used you to fill his emotional and physical needs. Why would he change his stripes now and try to do the hard work with you?
And why would he do the hard work of facing you and telling you that it was over? It's easier for this type of man to simply ghost you and move on.
I know that this concept is incredibly painful, but it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you. If a man loses interest in you so quickly, like he lost interest in his wife, then he definitely isn’t the person you thought he was.
Can you imagine what the rest of your life would look like with this man? Would you ever trust him again?
Having a married man ghost you is an awful thing to go through and you are likely feeling very sad, I know.
But knowing what is going on might help you manage the pain.
He might very well be questioning your relationship again and will be back. Or he might be afraid of being honest with you and dealing with your emotions. His wife may have found out or perhaps he just moved on.
With all of that in mind, for whatever reason, the reality is that your married man ghosted you.
I want you to ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship, potentially long-term, with someone who will ghost you instead of facing issues head-on.
That doesn’t sound very fun, does it? It's likely time to let him go and find the love that you deserve.
Mitzi Bockmann is a certified life and love coach. She helps clients find —and keep — love in this crazy world.