How 'Luckiest Girl Alive' Writer Jessica Knoll Found 'Clarity' Years After Being Assaulted at 15

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Jessica Knoll doesn't know whether her rapists will stream Luckiest Girl Alive when it's on Netflix Friday. The thought of their wives tuning in, though, has crossed her mind.

"It's so hard for me to imagine them watching it," the author, 38, tells PEOPLE. "It seems more than likely to me that their wives might watch it not knowing they're the boys from it, and that they could just walk in and see that."

It was in an essay six years ago that Knoll revealed her personal connection to her 2015 bestselling novel: one of its pivotal scenes is based on her own experience at 15. Knoll wrote that she was gang-raped by three classmates at a party, but "no one called it rape" at the time. Instead, afterward there was bullying, slut-shaming and no charges pressed.

After high school, Knoll "became obsessed with reinventing" herself, she recalled in the essay, confident that with "the right wardrobe, a glamorous job and a ring on my finger before the age of 28 I could transcend my reputation." With that image of success, her "voice would finally be worth hearing," she thought, a mistake she came to realize since "the appearance of living well is not the same thing as actually living well" and "revenge does not beget healing."

Today, Knoll has done the work, been to therapy and turned her childhood trauma into a lucrative work of fiction — a "catharsis" that has nothing to do with those boys and everything to do with her own wellbeing.

"I don't spend much time thinking about them, honestly," she says. "As a writer, my job is putting myself in somebody else's shoes and imagining why they do the things they do. And they are the ones that I just can't do that with. So I stay away from thinking like that."

Knoll is the screenwriter of the new film adaptation of Luckiest Girl Alive, which stars Mila Kunis as magazine editor Ani FaNelli. By all accounts, the protagonist has it all — the clothes, the job title, the wealthy fiancé. But when dark secrets from her past come to light, she's forced to find her own voice, possibly at the cost of her seemingly perfect life.

RELATED: Why Mila Kunis Didn't Go Blonde for Luckiest Girl Alive Role: 'Nobody Wants That!'

Jessica Knoll/Instagram

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Telling the world about the assault "was the easy part," Knoll says.

"The hard part," she explains, "were the conversations I had to have with my family and friends who had been there at the time. The hard part was saying to people that you love who also love you and would take a bullet for you, 'You let me down and you weren't there for me. I was a kid. I needed you and I cannot continue to act like that's OK. We can work through that, we can talk about it, and I still love you. Help me understand why you couldn't be there.' "

"I understand in a much more nuanced way why people in the community fail people who come forward like this. It's so complicated," admits Knoll. "It goes to people's personal family histories, their own experiences with trauma. You can understand all of that. That knowledge itself and that understanding and the logic behind it is a very empowering thing to have because you can make sense of it. Before, it all felt so senseless. I have clarity in a way that I did not have back then."

While she admits she could have "said something sooner" about feeling let down by her family, Knoll learned she had to "give them grace."

"I think part of my problem was expecting people to say the right thing, the most kind of evolved thing, and then I would get really angry when they didn't," she explains. "I had to understand it's an impossible act that people be plugged into your trauma the way you are, so you need to be able to explain it to them, then allow them to be like, 'OK, thank you,' and move on from it."

Cruel Summer alum Chiara Aurelia plays teenaged Ani in the movie's flashbacks, and Connie Britton is her mom Dinah, who has a less-than-compassionate response to learning of her daughter's rape. Tasked with acting out some of Knoll's real-life traumas in this fictional story, Aurelia got close with the writer over the course of production.

"Having her put young Ani in my hands and really guide me through this journey was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," says Aurelia, 20. "There's so much that I'm going to keep with me. There are so many words of wisdom she gave me."

Knoll says the young actress was "shaken" when she shared her story with her before filming. Though the star differs from the character (Aurelia says Ani's "journey is not my journey, and her experiences are not my experiences"), Knoll sensed the actress could relate to it, similar situations having gone down in her own friend group.

"In some ways we've made so many strides forward," says Knoll, "and in some ways it sounds like it's exactly the same."

Kunis, on the other hand, "couldn't relate to this character at all," according to Knoll — who walked away with some lessons from the leading lady, also a producer on the film.

"Mila is literally the opposite of me, which is a people-pleaser and who was raised to protect everybody around me and minimize my own feelings in the service of others; make sure they're comfortable at all times, never speak up and advocate for myself, even if I'm uncomfortable or upset. Mila is the polar opposite. She says exactly what's on her mind."

Adds Knoll, "I would write these lines and she would read them and be like, 'Jess, I don't even know what to say right now. Your brain is so twisted and so different from mine. I don't get it.' It was actually very funny and I think that hopefully made it a fun project for her because she was playing someone who was so different from how she is in real life."

Kunis, 39, tells PEOPLE it was "fun to play someone very unpredictable" and notes that "we all put on a sort of façade" for others at times. Luckiest Girl Alive, she says, "is just the extreme version of it."

When it came to handling the personal nature of the narrative, Kunis says Knoll was "really great at being able to separate herself from her story and let the filmmakers make it a new story." Kunis adds, "But we also had the luck of having her write the book and having her write the script, so it was very much her voice."

Sabrina Lantos/Netflix Mila Kunis in Luckiest Girl Alive (2022)

Though Knoll chose not to be on set for the filming of the rape scene (which is depicted in collaboration with RAINN consultants about sensitivities), it's not difficult for her to watch the movie now. Except if she's watching alongside those closest to her.

"When I screened the movie for some friends, I looked around at the group and was like, 'You know what? I'm going to have to get up and leave during a certain scene. It's just going to be too uncomfortable to have you guys watch the assault scene knowing my own story,' " she says.

"It's hard around people who know you. That's where the discomfort comes in for me. When it's that closer group, the people who have known you for a long time, that's when I get a lot of anxiety about that scene in particular."

Jessica Knoll/Instagram

Knoll proudly calls herself a "therapy nut," attributing years of sessions to helping her personal progress. She's still working on speaking up for herself, but she's made improvements there — "It's not always easy, but it gets easier with practice," she says. What she really wishes is that the Luckiest Girl Alive movie reaches an even larger audience, helping fellow survivors feel less alone in their own individual journey.

She told her husband of 10 years, Greg Cortese, about her history early in their relationship, but Knoll says women she knew told her that, after the book and her essay, they shared their own experiences with their longtime partners for the first time. It resulted in "a whole new level of trust for them that made them feel safer." She adds, "The idea that could happen on a Netflix scale makes my heart swell. I hope that happens for people."

"I hope that there is more unburdening for people."

If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, please contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to rainn.org.

Luckiest Girl Alive, directed by Mike Barker, is streaming on Netflix Friday. The novel is available wherever books are sold.