Let's give 2023 a good Swift kick in the rear

Dec. 30—Sooooo, how was 2023 for you?

As we look back on the past year, we can't help but be reminded of a beloved Christmas song. No, not "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year." No, not "Joy to the World," either.

We were thinking more along the lines of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer." Because, if you think about 2023 really hard — which we don't encourage, by the way — you'll realize we all got run over by a reindeer, and her name was Taylor Swift.

What didn't Swift do in 2023? Between her music sales, her concert tour and the movie about her concert tour, she made nearly $2 billion. She was Apple Music's Artist of the Year, Time magazine's Person of the Year, and she starred in a Capital One television commercial that aired 6,666,666 times.

And that was just last week.

She also got a hunky new boyfriend — Kansas City Chiefs star Travis Kelce — which excited news media outlets more than when Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.

Speaking of which, Swift also walked on the moon in 2023, wearing a glitter-covered astronaut suit and a Travis Kelce jersey. (NOTE TO FACT-CHECKER: NOT SURE IF THIS IS TRUE OR NOT, BUT IF SHE HASN'T WALKED ON THE MOON YET, SHE WILL.)

It's been that kind of year, so come along, Swifties, and let's look back at 2023, the year that was.

JANUARY

The new year brings an important scientific discovery when researchers capture a radio signal from the most distant galaxy ever recorded. The signal, emitted nearly 9 billion years ago, is transcribed as, "Hello, we've been trying to reach you about your extended car warranty."

The U.S. House of Representatives struggles to select a new speaker, until Kevin McCarthy is finally elected after promising to get autographed Taylor Swift photos for all of his colleagues.

FEBRUARY

NFL superstar Tom Brady, 67, retires for the seventh time, citing excessive drooling, occasional incontinence, and a desire to go into broadcasting before his teeth fall out.

Speaking of NFL superstars, Aaron Rodgers goes on a "darkness retreat" to assess his life and determines, after four days of intense thinking in a completely darkened cave, that he's a really weird guy.

National security concerns are heightened when a mysterious, unidentified object is detected over U.S. air space. When the object is determined to be a Chinese spy balloon, the decision is made to shoot it down just off the coast of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, but instead the U.S. fighter jet accidentally downs a small plane towing a banner advertising the "Thirsty Thursday" special at Krazy Kenny's Tiki Bar.

MARCH

The Taylor Swift "Eras" concert tour begins this month. In a related story, Grandma sees a distant reindeer headed in her direction.

Former President Donald Trump is indicted in connection with a $130,000 payment to adult film star Stormy Daniels, who says Trump paid her off in 2016 to keep her quiet about a sexual affair. Trump claims he thought the payment was for Taylor Swift concert tickets.

APRIL

President Joe Biden announces he will seek re-election, despite accusations of being 104 years old and terribly senile. Biden says he hopes his running mate will again be a woman who's young and vibrant — "you know, someone like Betty White," he tells reporters.

Mental-health researchers claim consumption of french fries can lead to anxiety and depression. Meanwhile, consumers counter that NOT eating french fries leads to anxiety and depression.

MAY

Hollywood writers go on strike, triggering a massive shortage of creativity at television networks. HBO executives announce they

will fill the void created by the strike with reruns of "The Sopranos" and with two new shows, "The Altos" and "The Tenors."

Martha Stewart, 82, becomes the oldest woman ever featured on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. In a related story, Joe Biden holds a press conference to announce he believes he has found himself a running mate.

JUNE

In a stunning development in the sports world, the PGA agrees to merge with LIV Golf, the controversial golf tour financed by the sovereign wealth fund of Saudi Arabia, a country known for its human rights abuses. Officials of the new tour vehemently deny PGA will now stand for Professional Golf Assassins.

JULY

Secret Service agents find a small, plastic baggie of cocaine in the White House, prompting right-wingers to link the discovery to President Biden's son, Hunter Biden. The president angrily disputes the accusation, claiming that the plastic baggie contained all-purpose flour and was accidentally left there by his new running mate, Martha Stewart.

Speaking of plastic, the new "Barbie" movie breaks box-office records. Hollywood executives, inspired by Barbie's success, announce pre-production of new movies starring G.I. Joe, Chatty Cathy and Betsy Wetsy.

AUGUST

The Internet goes crazy over the long-awaited official mug shot of indicted presidential candidate Taylor Swift. No, wait, that's not right — it's Donald Trump. Swift plans to run in 2028.

Collegiate athletic conferences play a huge game of musical chairs, as numerous schools change conferences. Among the new schools joining the North Carolina-based Atlantic Coast Conference are Stanford, Cal, SMU and the Arizona Institute of Urology.

SEPTEMBER

Congress, which can't seem to agree on anything, nearly leads the country into a disastrous government shutdown but somehow manages to pass a formal dress code. We don't even have a joke here.

A rumor arises that Taylor Swift has begun dating Travis Kelce — a rumor exacerbated when the pop star shows up at one of Kelce's games and is shown on TV almost as often as her Capital One commercial. In a related story, Grandma tries — too late, unfortunately — to dodge the reindeer charging at her.

OCTOBER

Television viewers, relieved that the Hollywood writers' strike has ended, tune in by the millions to watch "The Golden Bachelor," similar to "The Bachelor" but featuring Joe Biden as the bachelor. Inspired by the show's success, network executives announce a sequel, "The Golden Bachelorette," starring Martha Stewart.

The Kansas City Chiefs, finally responding to Native Americans' complaints of racial insensitivity, change their name from the Chiefs to the Kansas City Swifties.

NOVEMBER

Dolly Parton, 77, stuns America by performing her Thanksgiving Day halftime show in a skimpy Dallas Cowboys cheerleading uniform. In a related story, Sports Illustrated places a call to Parton's agent, and Joe Biden declares he has found himself a new, younger running mate.

The Kansas City Swifties sign Taylor Swift to a two-year, $50 million contract to be Travis Kelce's girlfriend.

Time magazine names Taylor Swift its Person of the Year, as the ubiquitous pop star narrowly beats out Barbie, Britain's King Charles, Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Santa Claus.

In a related story, Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Her funeral will be Tuesday.

Well, that's it for this year, fellow Swifties. Here's looking forward to a bigger, brighter and better 2024!

Oh, and watch out for reindeer.

Jtomlin@hpenews.com — 336-888-3579