Kerry Washington says her parents' fights triggered childhood panic attacks: 'It was the sound of terror'
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Kerry Washington's new memoir Thicker Than Water contains a disturbing portrait of childhood anxiety.
The Scandal and Little Fires Everywhere actress revealed Wednesday an excerpt from the upcoming book, with Oprah Winfrey's digital outlet Oprah Daily publishing the star's recollection of panic attacks she suffered during her parents' intense fighting.
"They both harbored deep disappointment over what their lives had become — my mother was disappointed in my dad, and my dad was disappointed in the marriage. I had the sense that I was the only thing keeping them together, or that I had to try to be," the 46-year-old actress wrote, later adding that she developed panic attacks while listening to their arguments while she tried to sleep. "They manifested first as a rhythm of anxiety that encircled my brain, then evolved into a rapid pulsing, a whirling frenzy of metallic thumps, like those nauseating old spinning rides at a county fair."
Larry Busacca/Getty Images Kerry Washington
Washington said that as a seven-year-old her brain interpreted the noise as "the sound of terror, wholly unnatural and unconnected to the rhythms of my heart," and that wrestling with it became an almost nightly bout.
"If I lost the race to sleep and got caught by the rhythm, I had no tools to escape it, no way of controlling my own brain as it conspired against me," she remembered. "I tried everything to avoid it. If I could sense it coming on, from deep within my cells, I would try to sing a song, or recite a poem, or do anything I could think of to simply turn my brain off. But it would take hold in my fascia, then work outward through my muscles and tendons. Sometimes, I would rock my body back and forth, vibrating, rattling, trying to drown out the pulsing noise and regain control of my body. Sometimes I would put my head under a pillow, trying to ignore the fact that the torture was coming from within me."
Washington goes on to remember the moment she finally confronted her parents about their clashes. It ended with her mother making a discomforting admission that, even though she wanted to unwind in the family's bathtub, she feared that Washington's father might throw a "homemade spa machine" she had into the water. "With that she stopped, and I stood there, quietly, not wanting to imagine her dead in that water," Washington wrote.
The ordeal led her to develop a coping mechanism: she attempted to be "perfect" to keep them together.
Disturbing as the memories are, Washington remains close with her parents. In June, she shared to Instagram a sweet photo of her dad in celebration of Father's Day.
"This photo means so much to me. It captures a moment with me and my dad right after we shot the cover image of my book. He came out to hang and watch me swim and then he started to tell a story from my childhood that is one of my FAVORITE stories of him and I being in water together. It's actually a memory that I share in the book! But he didn't know that at the time," she captioned the post. "Writing this memoir and getting ready to put it out in the world is an intense experience for me and my family, but I am so lucky to be born to a dad who has taught me how to take risks and be bold and dream big. I love this man sooooooooooo much. And I'm so lucky to have him as my dad."
Thicker Than Water is set for release on Sept. 26.
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