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Kellan Lutz's Wife Reflects on Losing Their Baby at 6 Months Pregnant: 'This Is Just a Crappy Chapter'
"When you shut yourself off to pain, you also shut yourself off to the things that can bring you joy too," Brittany Gonzales wrote
Last February, the couple made the heartbreaking announcement that they had lost their baby six months into Gonzales' pregnancy. Then later that year, the couple announced in September that they are expecting again, later revealing that the baby on the way is a daughter.
Over the weekend, Gonzales shared an emotional Instagram post reflecting on her pregnancy loss one year later.
"This day last year, 1/30/20, in my 7th month of pregnancy, I walked into a drs appointment SO excited to see our girl," she wrote. "Kellan was in NY and I was in LA where our dr was. (He was going to wrap the show & we were going to deliver in LA) I was practically giddy in the drs office and couldn't wait to send him pictures and videos of our daughter. Instead, I had to call him and tell him that our sweet girl was with with Jesus. Even though she was still in my body. Talk about psychological torment."
She said following weeks "were rough" as she was "trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened."
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"One minute I was creating a birth plan, the next I'm lucky to be alive and on birth control bc if I got pregnant again I could die. Um, what? How was this my life?" Gonzales added. "I had so much invested in the 'next chapter' of our lives and it was literally HERE. Until it wasn't. I was confused. We were broken."
"But the one thing I did *intentionally* was try to give God EVERYTHING. Not just the things I understood or felt comfortable giving Him. Did I want to know the reasons? Yes. Was I tempted to go into dark, dark spirals of depression and disappointment because of all I had lost? Yes," she continued. "But I knew God could only trade the ashes for beauty if they were in His hands. As long as I was holding onto my pain He couldn't turn it into purpose."
She suggested that anyone else struggling with loss and grief should try to "let it go."
David Livingston/Getty Images Kellan Lutz and Brittany Gonzales
"What if I leaned into my emotions instead of God's loving arms and refused to let go until He showed me why I needed to? As if He 'owes' me anything! I don't know where I'd be," she wrote. "I don't know why bad things happen. But I do know I've walked through them with God and solo and every single time I've invited Him into the pain rather than blaming Him for it, I have experienced life on a level I could literally NEVER have imagined."
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"One year to the day later I sit here 35 weeks pregnant with the most incredible gift in my belly," added Gonzales. "My marriage stronger than ever. My faith stronger than ever. And to think I'd have none of this had I not walked through that."
On his Instagram page, Lutz, 35, wrote, "The difference a year can make...so excited to meet our rainbow baby girl in a few weeks! Thank you God!"