The Kardashians review: Kim's sex-tape 'scandal' hits different in 2022

First, dear readers, a disclaimer: This is less a review of Hulu's The Kardashians than it is a $100,000,000* game of "Spot the Difference."

After all, the Kardashian family is essentially review-proof. Fifteen years into their careers as human marketing campaigns, nothing they do will change the opinions of people who are determined to love them, hate them, or pretend not to know who they are. It's fine to enjoy their inane, soft-focus adventures as reality TV one-percenters; it is also fine to view Kim, Khloé, Kourtney, Kylie, Kendall and Kris as overly contoured Dementors who feed on the disposable income and tenuous self-esteem of their young female fans.

Friends, it's even okay to hold both of those ideas close to your heart simultaneously, as I did when I sat down to watch the first two episodes of The Kardashians. Is it a radical departure from their previous show, Keeping Up with the Kardashians on E!, which ended last year? Least spoilery spoiler alert ever: It is not. But there are a few changes worth noting.

(*According to Variety, the Kardashian family's deal with Hulu is "worth nine figures.")

The Chyrons are Classier

The series premiere opens with a seamlessly-edited drone shot — set to Silk Sonic's "777" — that whisks viewers through the luxurious homes and sleekly-appointed business headquarters of the Kardashian/Jenner women. But nothing screams "money is no object" more than Hulu's decision to upgrade the chyrons from some basic, sans-serif nonsense to the more sophisticated and authoritative Hoefler Text.

Hulu Quite a chyron upgrade

That's not just a font — that's a declaration: This isn't basic cable, folks. The Kardashians are a streaming family now. Long may they reign!

There is (New) Life Behind Kourtney's Eyes

Full disclosure, Kourtney has always been my favorite Kardashian. With her impenetrable gaze and studied monotone, Kourtney is the only one who seems to approach the family's gilded reality-TV prison with the proper amount of detachment and thinly veiled contempt.

She had every reason to be aloof: The oldest Kardashian sister spent the first 15 (or so) seasons of KUWTK coping with the drama caused by her on-and-off boyfriend, Scott Disick. His cheating, drinking, and general buffoonery weighed heavily on her and made it challenging to co-parent their three children. So sure, if it sometimes looked like Kourtney might stab Kim with a kitchen knife and remorselessly watch her bleed out over a dispute about serving candy at a kids' birthday party… well, cut her some slack.

Flashforward to The Kardashians (premiering April 14). Kourtney is in a happy, PDA-heavy relationship with tattooed Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, a man she calls "the love of my life." In episode 2, they go house-hunting and end up making out on some patio furniture as their realtor, Tomer, politely retreats inside. As much as we stan a dead-eyed queen, it's very nice to see Kourtney Kardashian… happy? Check out this before and after:

Getty Kourtney is a new woman.

"I'm actually grateful that my kids can see a loving, affectionate relationship," Kourtney notes, her voice almost changing pitch. "Because they haven't seen that their whole lives." It's a sweet sentiment, and one that leads to our next — and entirely bittersweet — difference between KUWTK and The Kardashians.

Scott's Existential Longing to be Married into a Family That Has Clearly Moved on is Somehow Even More Poignant

The perennial plus-one to the Kardashian clan, Scott Disick played a big role on KUWTK even after his tumultuous relationship with Kourtney settled into an amicable status quo. Though he cheekily named his clothing line Talentless, the guy is a natural entertainer who gave producers plenty to work with — whether buying himself the title of "Lord" or helping Khloé embarrass the woman who will never be his mother-in-law, Kris Jenner.

Viewers got used to seeing Scott around — and he wasn't just there for the kids and the cameras. Not only has Scott always wanted to get back together with Kourtney, but he also lost both his parents in 2014. The Kardashians — and the production team that comes with them — are his surrogate family. The first thing he says in the series premiere of The Kardashians makes this abundantly, heartbreakingly clear: "This is probably the first time in like fifteen years that we've had a really, really long break from having cameras follow our every move. And I think it got a little lonely."

Though Scott will appear in The Kardashians, we're likely to see Travis Barker popping up in his place at big family events or vacations. "So wait, no one invited Scott?" asks Kim in the Kardashians premiere, as the rest of the family (and Travis) gather at her house for a barbecue. Nope, no one did. Naturally, this becomes a storyline later in the episode. "Feeling left out and not being told anything is super hurtful," Scott admits to Khloé a few days later. "All I need is just to be acknowledged." Oh Lord, that's a heartbreaker.

That Sex Tape "Scandal" Hits Different in 2022

Getting famous for being famous is no easy task — and back in the early 2000s, Kim Kardashian was putting in the hours as an aspiring wardrobe stylist and much-photographed friend to Paris Hilton. She was doing such a good job raising her own profile that, in February of 2007, Vivid Entertainment chose to release a five-year-old sex tape Kim made with her former boyfriend, rapper Ray J — which the company said it bought from a "third party."

The tape was released without Kim's consent, but that didn't matter. By the time Keeping Up With the Kardashians premiered in October 2007, most viewers saw Kim Kardashian as a fame-hungry wannabe who parlayed some purloined home-movie porn into an on-camera career. In the KUWTK series premiere, Kris arrives with the exciting news that Tyra Banks wants to have Kim as a guest on her daytime talk show. "There's just one little catch," says mom. "You'd have to talk about the tape."

Hulu Kim Kardashian in 2007

Contrast that to the series premiere of The Kardashians in 2022. During the aforementioned family barbecue, Kim's son Saint runs up to show her something that popped up on his Roblox game. It's an ad featuring a picture of his mommy's cry face and touting "unreleased footage" of her 20-year-old sex tape. (Fortunately, Saint was not yet old enough to read.)

Naturally, Kim is mortified, angry, confused — but she's also ready. Lawyers are summoned for an emergency conference call. "I'm not going to go through this again," she fumes to Marty Singer, the notoriously tough attorney-to-the-stars. "I have all the time, all the money, and all the resources to burn them all to the f---ing ground."

Once, that sex tape defined her. Now, Kim Kardashian is the medium and the message. Love her or hate her, she's earned that new font. Grade: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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• Kim Kardashian will 'definitely explain' relationship with Pete Davidson on new Hulu show

• Kylie Jenner announces birth of second baby with Travis Scott