The Kardashians recap: Kim wears a $4,500 puffer vest, Kris yells at the help
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"I'm trying to pack for SNL, and now I have to deal with this sex-tape drama."
Man, if I had a nickel for every time the same thing happened to me! Welcome back to The Kardashians, friends — which kicks off week 2 with that extremely relatable comment from Kim K. herself.
If you watched last week (no judgment!) you'll remember that Kim was preparing to head to NY for Saturday Night Live when she learned that Ray J's manager (man, Ray J still has a manager?) was planning to release unseen footage from Kim's 20-year-old sex tape.
But don't worry — Kim's got her high-paid legal team on it. Now, let's turn our attention to more pleasant subjects: House hunting in Bel Air with Kourtney and Travis Barker.
Hulu Kourtney and Travis get comfy
Uh… guys? Tomer, your sockless realtor, is standing right there. Maybe keep the straddling to a minimum?
"Kissing and hugging is not a bad thing," scolds Kourtney. "I'm actually grateful that my kids can see a loving, affectionate relationship — because they haven't seen that their whole lives." Okay, fine. But remember, Tomer works on commission — so perhaps make out on your own time.
Next up: Khloé, who's having some severe "I live in the public eye and it's very stressful" anxiety. She's booked to appear on The Late Late Show with James Corden, and the dread she feels is approaching Kafkaesque. "Social media used to be fun and silly," she sighs. "And now everything is so critical. The way I look, my situation with Tristian, is my hair done the right way? I think I've gotten to the point that it's literally safer to stay at home."
So, to recap: A woman whose primary job is to live her life on camera has now been so beaten down by toxic trolls and online bullies that she wants to retreat from life in general. Is it a Hell of her own making or does society bear any responsibility for her crippling misery? Discuss!
Let's turn to Malika — Khloé's friend/former personal assistant — for some words of wisdom. "Anxiety is real, and the amount of criticism and scrutiny that you have to deal with also very real," she says. "But I do like that you do deal — because you really could run away… but then you'd ruin everything you ever worked for." (BRB — googling "Does Khloé Kardashian have a job" real quick. Oh, that's right, she sells jeans.)
Later, Malika urges Khloé to embrace the power of the f-bomb.
Hulu Wise words from Malika
She's not wrong; as someone who lived in New York City for 23 years, I can say from first-hand experience that a well-timed "f--- off" can be very cathartic.
Kim is now all the way across the country, sitting in New York as a full glam team grooms her like a prize pony. For some reason, Tracy Romulus — the CMO of KKW Brands — is there too. I guess as the Chief Marketing Officer, Ms. Romulus must be by Kim's side at all times, since Kim Kardashian is essentially what happens when an ancient curse transforms the concept of "marketing" into a human woman.
Also in New York (but not on camera at the moment) is Kanye West. And here's the real breaking news: HE FLEW ON A COMMERCIAL AIRLINER WITH THE GREAT UNWASHED TO BE THERE FOR KIM. "He's here already," Kim tells her CMO. "He literally took a coach, commercial flight [and] sat, like, in the seat next to the bathroom." Tracy cannot believe it. "Stop!" she drawls, her mouth agape. Indeed, Mr. Ye stayed up all night so he could arrive in town early enough to meet with Dave Chappelle, who is among several comedians helping write jokes for Kim's SNL monologue.
But don't get any ideas, Kimye shippers — the divorce is still very much on. "We have set some serious boundaries," she explains. "Kanye and I are staying at separate hotels. I've been really clear with him as far as, like, where we stand in our relationship." (Kim was declared "legally single" in March of this year.)
Once Kim is fully spackled and suited up in an oversized, $4,500 Balenciaga vest that makes her look like the Stay Puft marshmallow man's long-lost evil sister, she heads over to Amy Schumer's Manhattan apartment for help writing her monologue.
Hulu She looks like a cozy ninja.
Things get off to a bit of a rocky start. Amy doesn't get the sex-tape joke — "Actually, I've only had that one movie come out, and no one even told me it was premiering. It must have slipped my mom's mind" — and she tells Kim to cut it. "I think I just wouldn't do any sex-tape stuff," she says. Wait, does she know she's talking to Kim Kardashian? (That said, I do think she's right in advising Kim to cut the R. Kelly joke — sexual abuse of minors is generally not a laff riot.)
Speaking of things that aren't funny, it's time for The Late Late Show with James Corden! (Jk, jk, he's fine.) Khloé is in the dressing room pre-gaming with some champagne and mom's beta blockers when WW spokesman James Corden arrives to give her a pep talk about dealing with the haters.
Hulu Preach, James Corden.
"These words only exist if I give them any power!" continues the host. "Look, you're drinking champagne at 4 p.m. on a Monday — and you're at work. You've won!"
Kris is so moved by James' speech she wants it preserved for all eternity. "Oh my God, did somebody tape that?" Yes ma'am, someone did. You can stream it on Hulu any time you want.
Anyhoo, remember when I told you that Kourtney and Travis were looking for a new house? Welp, it turns out that's not the only thing they have on their to-do list.
Hulu Not a surprise, tbh.
Is that… a red leather snakeskin sundress? Where does one even go to procure an outfit like that? Sorry, didn't mean to take us on a tangent. The point is, Kourtney, 43, is doing IVF and for her, "it hasn't been the most amazing experience." The hormones she's on have made her gain weight, which naturally has spawned a plethora of rumors online that she is, in fact, pregnant.
"It's so rude to comment on people when you have no idea what they're actually going through," she drones to Kris. Kourtney also claims that the IVF drugs have sent her body into menopause — which sounds far-fetched but is maybe also a thing? Who knows. What we do know for sure is that the whole situation has sent Kourtney into a depression. "I just feel a little bit off and not myself," she says. "Super moody and hormonal, like I'm a lunatic half the time."
Kris empathizes, saying that she went through a similar situation after having a miscarriage in 1995. "I was moody and depressed, and I was bloated," she says. "Everything you just described." She encourages Kourtney not to give up hope. "You'll have a beautiful baby probably a year from now," Kris assures her. "And when you do, I'll sell the exclusive first-look rights to the baby photos for six figures." (Okay, I made that last part up.)
We interrupt this recap to bring you Khloé's rug-shopping unitard:
Hulu Wut.
Sorry, I believe the high-fashion term for this kind of… situation is "catsuit." My apologies.
If you thought we'd get to the "Saturday night" portion of Kim's SNL duties on this episode, I hate to disappoint you — but it's still only Friday. After her promotional photo shoot, Kim takes a kall from Kourtney, who says she can't come to New York to film a pre-taped skit for the show because Scott is going to be there. "I just feel like for my life, where it's at now, to just come with Scott to New York, it just doesn't make sense," she explains.
That reminds me… we haven't seen Scott at all this episode. Poor guy is living his worst fear — being phased out of the family and the spotlight. (Perhaps Scott is behind the fake Instagram account purported to be run by his 12-year-old son Mason? Discuss.)
Awww, you guys, look! Kim's longtime make-up artist, Mario Dedivanovic, is crying because he's so proud of her. "I remember, like, 12 or 13 years ago when you were going on your first talk show as a guest, and you were so excited," he says through his tears.
Hulu Kim Kardashian and Mario Dedivanovic
Back in the day, everyone thought Kim was just a trashy reality TV starlet — and even Mario's agency told him not to work with her. But Mario saw something more, and now he has his own makeup line and a steady job for as long as Kim continues to go out in public. So… last laugh, and all that.
As the episode draws to a close, it's the morning of Kim's SNL gig, and she's a little concerned about some of the Kanye jokes the show wants her to make. Fortunately, producer Lindsay Shookus (a.k.a. the woman who used to date Ben Affleck) is there to assure her that they can make changes up until the last minute. Meanwhile, Kris and Khloé have just landed in New York — but before they can start driving, Kris needs a minute alone with her daughter. And that means NO EAVESDROPPING, minimum-wage minions!
Hulu She seems nice.
Khloé, who is perhaps the most human of all the Kardashian women, is appropriately mortified. She politely asks the driver to close the trunk, and then turns to her mom with a disapproving glower. "It's not what you say, it's how you say it," she scolds. But Kris has already moved on to the next thing: Her FaceTime call with Travis.
Hulu Kris and Khloé get the happy news from Travis.
No, not to Khloé, you silly goose — Kourtney! Travis wants the whole family to come to Santa Barbara for the big event. That's sweet and all, but who's going to do the welfare check on Scott? We'll have to wait until next week to find out. If you're still reading this — wow, thanks. Also, please don't hesitate to share your thoughts about this week's Kardashian Kronicles. Does any part of you sympathize with Khloé? Do you think Tomer just goes to his happy place when clients start making out on the patio furniture? And if you happened to be sitting next to Kanye in coach back in October of 2021, please post pics!
The Kardashians is streaming now on Hulu. New episodes drop every Thursday.
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