John Fetterman Reveals the Hidden Pain Behind His Election Night Victory Speech and Swearing-In (Exclusive)
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The senator's tenure in Congress kicked off amid a wave of depression — one he ultimately sought professional help to turn around — but even with a fresh outlook, the memories of his career's biggest moments remain tainted
Pennsylvania Sen. John Fetterman looks back on the whirlwind events of the past six months and recalls a lot of unaddressed "pain" — a word he now views as synonymous with the chronic depression he's experienced that only recently escalated after his midterms victory.
In a candid conversation with PEOPLE at his Braddock, Pennsylvania, home following a 44-day hospital stay to treat severe depression, the freshman senator acknowledges that during the biggest moment of his career — when he defeated celebrity opponent Dr. Mehmet Oz to flip a Senate seat blue — his most enthusiastic thought was, Oh good, I'm glad I won, he says, primarily because he knew that meant he hadn't let his supporters down.
"For me personally though, I didn't really feel any sense of joy," the 53-year-old says. "The thing with depression is, you may have actually won, but it tells you that you lost."
Asked why the victorious moment felt in a way like defeat, he says, "I was convinced that I did lose, to be honest, because if I had lost [the race], then at least a lot fewer people would be making fun of me."
Fetterman's confusing feelings on election night helped him realize that throughout the campaign, he had been "compartmentalizing" a lot of the lurking sadness, amplified by his May 2022 stroke and the onslaught of personal attacks that came with the Senate race. "I had [to cash] a check for depression that all came due after I won," he says.
So he delivered his victory speech alongside cheering fans and excited family, seen in triumphant pictures used by media nationwide, then went home and let the sadness crash down on him. "I stopped wanting to leave my house after that point and spent more and more time avoiding talking about [the election], because that kind of scrutiny added to the depression."
Fetterman's wife, Gisele Barreto Fetterman, encouraged her husband for years to seek treatment for what she believed to be lingering depression, but his chronic gloom never reached a point where he felt it necessary to address. "I was like, 'No. I'm just a little melancholic. Maybe a little blue,'" he recalls thinking.
"To love someone is to accept them as they are. So of course, I wanted him to be different, and I wanted him to know that he deserves the love that he puts out into the world too," Gisele, 41, says, "but I had to get to a point where I removed responsibility from myself, because that's not healthy."
Fetterman's low spirit was long a part of his life, but he remained functional, earning national prominence as the small-town mayor of Braddock, defeating an incumbent to become the lieutenant governor of Pennsylvania, and eventually winning a heated national election to represent his home state in U.S. Senate.
It was after election night, when the depression became debilitating, that Gisele started to fear for her husband. "After he won, you expect someone to be at their highest and really happy and celebratory," she tells PEOPLE. "And after winning, he seemed to be at the lowest."
Related:John Fetterman Defeats Dr. Oz in Critical Pennsylvania Senate Race, Huge Win for Democrats
Fetterman was still trying to understand his feelings, with limited mental capacity to do so at the time, and before he knew it, January had arrived and it was time for the swearing-in ceremony with Vice President Kamala Harris, another iconic moment with veiled emotions beneath the surface.
"My depression was in full force there, and I didn't want to leave the house," he says of swearing-in day. But he had a commitment to uphold, and did his best to get through the day.
Gisele, who held the Bible during his swearing-in, also knew that things were off that day, but tried to remain the light for her family that she'd come to be known as. "For me, it was just like, 'I have one day to get through.' I'm really good at today," she recalls. "I knew I had to get through that day. I had to make sure the kids were good. I had to make sure it all went smoothly. So I think I was just trying to get through each day."
The two historic moments were exemplified a man in the peak of his career and still needing help. They exemplified an illness that needed treatment.
He remembers realizing, "I am not functional, certainly not at the level of being a senator. And it's not what Pennsylvania deserves. It's not what my family deserves. And I have an opportunity with Walter Reed, and I'm so grateful for having that option there."
When Fetterman checked into the Walter Reed Medical Center's neuropsychiatry unit on Feb. 15, he was skeptical that anything could fix his apathy toward living, but knew he needed to try, for his family and his constituents.
That doubtful mindset changed gradually as his doctors helped him understand that depression is reversible, and worked with him on turning his mindset around so that he could find joy in his everyday life to be the man Pennsylvania voted him to be — and the dad that his kids needed him to be.
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Now, after more than six weeks of inpatient treatment and several days at home recharging before returning to work on Monday, Fetterman feels confident in his ability to do the job at hand. He still uses a closed-captioning monitor to assist with the remnants of his auditory processing issues, he still stumbles on words and he still gets criticism from both sides of the aisle — but he is present, optimistic and eager to spread the message that, partisanship aside, people deserve to find the same happiness that he never thought he could.
Reflecting on his mental state now, he emphatically tells PEOPLE: "I want you to understand that it's not back to just bearable. It's just actually joy. And I can't wait to get back in the life fully. That's where I'm at."
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