Jimmy Kimmel on Trump’s trial: ‘He doesn’t seem to understand that a jury is going to rule on this’

Late-night hosts talked Trump jurors, the former president’s complaints about his trial and some strange polling before the 2024 election.

Jimmy Kimmel

After a week of Donald Trump’s first criminal trial in New York, the former president “doesn’t seem to understand that a jury is going to rule on this”, said Jimmy Kimmel on Thursday evening.

During the day’s proceedings, Trump brought a stack of printed-out articles, claiming “I haven’t seen one that says this is a good trial.” He also called the courtroom “freezing”.

“Wah, wah, wah. Motion to get the defendant some tiny mittens, your honor,” Kimmel mocked. “Trump hasn’t been that cold since the last time he was in bed with Melania.”

Related: Kimmel hits back at Trump: ‘The only person still talking about this joke is him’

A full jury has been selected, though Trump supporters have been hard at work discrediting them for living in Manhattan. “And while half of the Fox network is screaming about how unfairly Trump gets treated in New York, when Don-ye West took a trip to a bodega in Harlem on Tuesday, his Foxy friends bent over almost literally backwards to talk about how much New Yorkers love him,” Kimmel noted.

The Fox host Steve Doocy claimed that an adult store in the neighborhood called the “Romantic Depot” sold Trump products, which Kimmel confirmed with a photo of a sign saying “Trump Dildos On Sale Now!”

“What could be more romantic than a depot, you know?” said Kimmel. “Poor Rudy Giuliani is at home going, ‘hey, dildo stores were my thing!’”

Stephen Colbert

While in New York for his trial, “Trump took some time off from the courtroom to pretend to be president again”, said Stephen Colbert, as he met with the Polish president, Andrzej Duda.

“This is yet another reminder that in this election, our democracy is on the line,” the Late Show host added. “Which is why pollsters are asking voters the critical questions, like ‘Do Americans think Trump or Biden would win a hotdog eating contest?’”

The real survey found that 58% of respondents supported Trump in that question, while only 13% favored Biden. “In the middle of a stressful court case, this must be some comforting news for Trump,” said Colbert. “‘Uh, Mr President, there’s going to be weeks of humiliating testimony about your sexual infidelity, but I wanted you to know that you just won a poll saying that you could swallow much more pure-grade hog anus.’”

Biden did come out on top in three categories: teaching a beginners cooking class, house-sitting for a long weekend and changing a baby’s diaper. “Kind of tells you everything you need to know about this election,” said Colbert. “‘Well, I trust Biden with all the tasks that provide care and empathy, but I’m going to go with the guy who could body slam a poodle through a picnic table.’”

The Daily Show

And on The Daily Show, the guest host Dulcé Sloan celebrated final jury selection in Trump’s trial. “They found 12 magical New Yorkers with no conflicts, or biases or dog to take care of,” she joked.

However, one of the seated jurors was earlier excused after she told the court that she felt she couldn’t be impartial after her identity was leaked online, through media reporting on details of her life including her marital status, job, race, neighborhood, age and the fact that she loves dogs.

Sloan had particular ire for a CNN reporter who scolded media reports on the juror while still presenting her personal information. “This reporter just put her entire LinkedIn page on the screen,” said Sloan, “and then was like ‘people in the media need to stop doing this.’ You’re the media! The call is coming from inside the newsroom, girl.”

After flipping through coverage of the anonymous juror, Sloan concluded: “Yeah, I would’ve found this lady on Facebook in five seconds. It’s 2024, that’s enough information to track down anybody! I once found a guy based on the shape of a cloud in the background of his IG story.

“This is just so irresponsible!” she added. “The media is basically our here playing Guess Who? with this juror.”