Jimmy Kimmel on Mitch McConnell stepping down to ‘spend more time with the other 500-year-old turtles’

<span>Jimmy Kimmel on Mitch McConnell: ‘He’ll be retiring to the Galápagos Islands, to spend more time with the other 500-year-old turtles.’</span><span>Photograph: YouTube</span>
Jimmy Kimmel on Mitch McConnell: ‘He’ll be retiring to the Galápagos Islands, to spend more time with the other 500-year-old turtles.’Photograph: YouTube
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Late-night hosts talk Mitch McConnell’s announcement that he’s stepping down from his leadership position, a new book about Melania and Joe Biden’s headline-making ice-cream shop visit with Seth Meyers.

Jimmy Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel recapped the results of the Michigan primaries on Wednesday evening, starting with the Democrats: Joe Biden won handily with 81% of the vote, while 13.3% voted “uncommitted” in protest of his handling of Israel and Gaza.

“If Muslim Democrats in Michigan withhold their vote, he could lose the state, which would likely elect Trump, who would immediately turn Gaza into a giant Moses-themed golf resort,” a frustrated Kimmel explained. “But the important thing is: vote with your rage. That’s how we do it now.”

Biden had a medical appointment this week and emerged with a clean bill of health. Still, “people act like the results of Biden’s physical are somehow going to influence who we vote for,” said Kimmel. “I don’t care if he comes out of that doctor’s office in an iron lung. I would be fully OK with a Weekend at Bernie’s-type White House if it means no Trump.”

Related: Jimmy Kimmel on primary season: ‘All the suspense of an episode of Blue’s Clues’

In congressional news, the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, announced his retirement from leading Republicans, effective November, on the Senate floor. “He’ll be retiring to the Galápagos Islands, to spend more time with the other 500-year-old turtles,” Kimmel joked.

And a new book called American Woman: The Transformation of the Modern First Lady, from Hillary Clinton to Jill Biden claims that Melania Trump spent the majority of her time as first lady in meetings with “teams of lawyers to examine her assets and attend to matters associated with her pre- and postnuptial agreements with her husband”.

“That sounds right,” said Kimmel. “Listen, she probably just wanted to make sure she didn’t get stuck with Eric in the divorce.”

Stephen Colbert

McConnell won’t step down from Senate leadership until November, “because at 82 that’s how long it takes him to step”, joked Stephen Colbert on The Late Show.

The host then turned to the Michigan primaries, where Biden got 81% of the vote, “1% for every year he’s been alive”.

As a result of an organized campaign by progressives, young and Arab American voters to register discontent with Biden’s handling of Israel, 13.3% voted “uncommitted”.

“These are people who previously supported Biden but wanted to send him a message to change his behavior,” Colbert explained. “It’s like how you would tell a child you can’t have dessert until you clean your room and figure out who gets Jerusalem.”

After capturing 3% of the vote despite having dropped out of the race, Marianne Williamson unsuspended her campaign on Tuesday. “And that’s the ultimate proof that she’s an optimist. She always sees the glass as 3% full,” said Colbert.

Williamson beat out Dean Phillips, who was still in the race and got 2.7% of the vote. Afterwards, Phillips tweeted: “If you resent me for the audacity to challenge Joe Biden, at least you’ll appreciate how relatively strong I’m making him look among primary voters!”

“That’s like a guy saying to his ex, ‘Hey, you gotta admit, thanks to me sex with your new boyfriend must seem pretty great!’” Colbert joked.

On the Republican side, Trump easily beat Nikki Haley, though by 15 points less than pollsters predicted. As usual, Trump did particularly badly with college-educated voters, “possibly because they all had to take the pre-req course ‘Poli Sci 101: Intro to Don’t Vote for Hitler’”, Colbert quipped.

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers addressed his headline-making appearance with Biden at an ice-cream store with Manhattan, during which the president announced a potential ceasefire in Gaza this weekend.

The strangeness of the announcement made international headlines. “You think it was strange for you? I was standing right next to him!” Meyers explained. “Normally I take Closer Looks at the news, now I’m in the news, which means it’s time to take a Closer Look at … myself?

“Shame on me, by the way, for forgetting the first rule of comedy: when the Middle East comes up, put your ice-cream cone down,” he joked.

Meyers also jokingly addressed criticism of his appearance on camera next to Biden, smiling and holding his ice-cream cone. “You try exhibiting gravitas next to the president of the United States while licking some honeycomb ice-cream surrounded by a group of strangers,” he said. “I couldn’t get caught looking into the lens! I already felt like I was in an episode of Curb and Veep – I didn’t want to do a Jim Halpert look into the camera too.”

On a more serious note, “I was thinking to myself, I really hope he’s right about an imminent ceasefire,” Meyers said. “In fact, I hope it comes as soon as possible because as far as I can tell, the only way out of this nightmare is an immediate, lasting ceasefire and the safe return of all hostages.”