Here are Jimmy Kimmel's best jokes from the ABC Upfronts Presentation
Every year at the ABC upfronts presentation in New York, Jimmy Kimmel brings down the house with jokes about commercials, the competition, and how bad the latest shows are. This year, he targeted Constance Wu and Felicity Huffman, among many subjects that were rife for the teasing.
Here are some of his best from Tuesday’s presentation at Lincoln Center:
“I can’t believe [former ABC Entertainment President] Channing Dungey left us for Netflix. Who does she think she is, our viewers? Channing leaving us to work at Netflix was, to borrow a Yiddish term, such a Shonda.”
“I’ve been doing this so long. I remember when we previewed Lost and Alias and Desperate Housewives. Those were back in the days when Felicity Huffman only played a scheming suburban mom.”
“This is a historic upfront for this company. For years I’ve been flying out here to tell you guys that the new ABC shows suck. This year, I’m here to tell you that the new FX shows, the new NatGeo shows, they all suck, too. We finally sealed the deal with Fox. We now own 21st Century Fox, NatGeo, Fox Searchlight, Hulu, FX, FXX, and later this year, we are proud to announce FXXX. Its just Vin Diesel movies and porn.”
“We own Disneyland, we own Iron Man, and we own Star Wars. At this point, the only cherished moment of your childhood that we don’t own is jerking off.”
“What a year it’s been for all of us. Roseanne is gone and the measles are back. Remember last year when we got you all excited for It Takes Two, The Kids are Alright, Roseanne, and Speechless? Well, canceled, canceled, racist, canceled. But we still have the Bachelor franchise! Like the genital herpes it thrives on, The Bachelor will never go away. Last year we had a virgin bachelor, which was great. So next year, to kind of mix things up, we are going the other way. We got ourselves a real live truck stop prostitute.”
“Fresh Off the Boat has been renewed for season number 4, and moments after it was announced one of the stars of the show, Constance Wu, tweeted she was ‘so upset right now that I’m literally crying. F—.’ Only at ABC is getting a show picked up the worst thing to ever happen. Sorry, Constance. At least you got 9,300 likes!”
“We are losing one of the funniest and most award-winning comedies of all time. This will be the final season of Modern Family. Modern Family was the rarest of ABC shows. A hit. You don’t see many of them around these parts. I love the cast. I’m going to miss those guys. But times change. You have to stay relevant. You have to stay fresh if you want to engage a younger generation. You have to deliver content that speaks to them. That’s why we are so excited to introduce the show we have lined up to replace Modern Family. It’s called a A Guy From New Zealand playing Fortnite.”
“CBS this year will say goodbye to The Big Bang Theory after 279 episodes. Don’t spoil it for me, I’m 276 episodes behind. It’s weird to think we live in a world where Johnny Galecki makes more money than all of us.”
“Remember last year when you gave [ousted CBS Corp. CEO] Les Moonves a standing ovation? That was funny. Whoops! How is it possible that a network whose logo is literally an eye did not see that coming?”
“CBS has a new drama called All Rise, which is sadly, something that most of their viewers can’t do.”
“Terry Bradshaw on The Masked Singer. What a stupid time to be alive. [Fox is] f—ed. They have nothing left. Fox is now the network equivalent of a divorced dad’s refrigerator. 18-49 isn’t even their demo anymore. It’s the number of people who still work there. But do they have wrestling! Fox has wrestling!”
“NBC has This is Us, which is so popular they renewed it for three years. Or as Constance Wu would call it, a death sentence.”
“NBC renewed SVU, which is coming back for a 21st season. That means babies born the year that show started are now old enough to commit sex crimes of their own.”
“So the big question for all of us is how we get the so-called Generation Z to watch network TV. I have the answer! Two words: Vape-able content.”
“We know exactly what the Gen Z’s want. The bad news is, it’s Netflix. F—ing Netflix. They even signed the Obamas. The Obamas are making TV shows and Trump is running the country. If this isn’t some Freaky Friday type bullsh—, I don’t know.”
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