Jack Whitehall’s Harry Styles Birthday Poem Mourns One Direction and Simon Cowell’s Last ‘Three Faces’

What kind of birthday gift do you buy someone who likely already has everything they need or could ever want? According to Jack Whitehall, you get them a poem. During an appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on Thursday, the British comedian and actor celebrated Harry Styles’ birthday — an unofficial national holiday — with the gift of a few stanzas about One Direction splitting up and Simon Cowell’s ever-changing appearance.

“Harry, oh sweet Harry, you are a man of utter class/My north, my south, my if, my when, my elbow and my ass/I first saw you on X-Factor, the silly reality show way back in 2010, nearly three Simon Cowell faces ago,” Whitehall reminisced. “A twinkle in your eyes, your hair looked like a mop/A high-pitched little voice, your testicles yet to drop/You dazzled the world with your boy band One Direction/An unstoppable rise, like an unwanted morning … can I say that word on late-night?”

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Whitehall recalled the day One Direction broke up, adding: “I screamed, I cursed, I cried/I hadn’t been that sad since the day Mufasa died….” But even through mourning One Direction and skirting around FCC guidelines, the comedian came back around to the celebration at hand. “Your solo career blossomed, your limit was the sky/Stadiums and number ones, a Watermelon Sugar high,” he swooned. “You branched out into acting, a dab hand at it, too/Just please never try stand-up, or I won’t know what to do/And so today you’re turning 30, and I’ve one last thing to say/Pease don’t copy the other Harry and ever run away.”

Whitehall was confident that Styles would receive the birthday gift, fittingly titled “Turning 30 in Styles,” from wherever he was celebrating. “He watches all of my late-night appearances,” he assured the Tonight Show audience.

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