I'm a stepdad. Here's how I transitioned into my stepchildren's lives without hurting feelings.
After a challenging divorce and some time spent healing, I started dating again.
I thought a lot about how I would fit as a stepdad.
A strong friendship turned into more. I got married and became a stepdad and granddad.
Living on my friend's couch was not where I expected to find myself postdivorce. I had spent 10 years building a successful business, but poor choices and spending too much led to my having only $20 to my name when the divorce was final.
I spent two years finding myself and rebuilding my life financially. I eventually started to date again. The fit of myself with someone else's kids was a determining factor in the relationships I pursued.
As a relationship kind of person, I thought a lot about how I would adjust to being a stepparent to my future partner's children and what my three children thought about my potential partners.
Four years ago, a friendship with an amazing person developed into a relationship. We dated, traveled the world together, and fell in love as we got to know each other and our respective children.
I proposed, we got married, and I became a stepdad to two beautiful bonus daughters. One year into the marriage, I became a step-granddad to the most special granddaughter.
Taking on the responsibility of the stepdad role is not an easy transition. It's a balance between understanding the emotions and feelings of transitioning into children's lives and being true to yourself.
Being a stepdad has been a rewarding experience as I've become closer to my bonus children. Here's what helped my wife and me as we've blended our families.
I get therapy regularly
One thing I did not want to do was bring my emotional trauma into any new relationship. Divorce was hard, and not living with my children anymore felt gut-wrenching. I needed an outlet to address what I was going through mentally, so I turned to therapy.
Regular therapy has helped me transition into my stepchildren's lives in a healthy way. There are many frustrating and confusing situations in which it's best to have therapy as an outlet to talk and process. Therapy has made me a better human and parent.
I've learned that my role as a stepdad is to hold space
I feel the strong urge to solve all my children's problems, but therapy has helped me see that's not supposed to be my role. I of course provide financial support, but some situations are about children learning to navigate life.
I've learned that I'm not meant to solve the problems I may inherit as a stepdad. My role is to listen, do the best I can to provide support, and never disparage the other parents involved.
I strive to demonstrate my love
In my experience, my children watch everything. I speak positive words and intentions, but the action I take speaks volumes to them. As I became a stepdad, I made it a goal to demonstrate how I feel about my bonus children through action.
I knew they were processing feelings about my being in their lives, so I was determined to show them that I'm steady and not going anywhere when things get tough. I strive to show my love through support, holding space, and acts of service.
It hasn't been easy, but the experience of blending our families and becoming a stepdad still brings tears to my eyes. My children like their stepsisters, and being a grandpa to Rylie and Jace has been one of life's greatest gifts.
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