Highly Subjective 'Hard Knocks' Grades from the Jets' Second Episode

Hard Knocks season is upon us, folks. In celebration of the most-anticipated iteration in recent memory—thanks to this year's subject, the New York Jets—Esquire is assigning highly subjective grades to each episode. Follow along every Wednesday for reactions to the preseason adventures of Aaron Rodgers, Robert Saleh, and... Method Man?

A+: Leslie Nielsen

Hard Knocks continues to derive humor from an old classic: Many People on the Team Are Old, But Many of Them Are Not. In this week's credits sequence, we learn that some of the Jets coaches decided to put the younger players through film school. First up? Leslie Nielsen. Simply Leslie Nielsen. This grade simply goes to whatever HBO had to do licensing-wise to allow Naked Gun's "Bingo!" scene to play in full.

A: "Shoutout to Optimus Prime"

Damn right.

A-: The Mentalist

The last time we hung out in the Jets's lecture hall, we sat through Robert Saleh's nonsensical birds-and-the-bees (er, crows-and-the-eagles) speech. This time around, things are much more lively. The team brings in a mentalist—which, yes, is a real thing—named (get ready for a brilliant name) Oz Pearlman. Oz Pearlman! He proceeds to scare the living shit out of the squad, reading Michael Carter's mind, pulling off a bizarro trick involving puzzle pieces, and showing Aaron Rodgers a card trick he probably already saw at his ayahuasca retreat. I'm putting a couple bucks on Pearlman's Super Bowl prediction, and highly recommend you do the same. HBO: Give this guy a spinoff!

B: Aaron Rodgers Is an Immortal Deity Who Beamed Down to New Jersey With the Promise of Eternal Life (Part Two)

The hero worship continues! Our knight in a shining Office T-shirt keeps collecting his preseason flowers. This week, Hard Knocks emphasizes two of Rodgers's divine abilities: that the man knows all people and all things. With the former, we spend entirely too much time watching Rodgers prowl around the Carolina Panthers shared practice saying things like, "What's up, little bitch?" to old coaches. The latter? We quite literally listen to a Jets player muse that Rodgers knows every single blade of grass on the practice field. Cut to: the quarterback picking up grass, rubbing it between his fingers, looking like he's pondering whether or not it's smokable.

B-: Zach Wilson

Kudos to Wilson for keeping his cool (cough, hack!) for a second straight week. The young quarterback had himself a nice preseason start, dueled with Aaron Rodgers over play fakes, and "got dad's approval on the swag." Still figuring out that one—but keep it up, Zachary.

C: The Carolina Panthers

Here's the question of the week: Are the New York Jets the most dominant team in football, or are the Carolina Panthers just really, really bad? I'll be generous and say a little bit of both. (Even if Hard Knocks wants us to believe the former.) In the teams' shared practice, the Jets—especially Quinnen Williams, holy shit—beat up on the poor Panthers, shouting "sack!" in Bryce Young's face about a dozen times. Unfortunately, NFL pundits expect the Panthers to have a relatively horrible season, so take the Jets's dominance with a grain of salt.

D+: The Sight of a Needle Penetrating Will McDonald's Nose

The squad's 2023 first-round pick, Will McDonald, had a phenomenal episode. The man earned his first NFL sack, showed his love for the finer things in life, and simply displayed exceptional vibes. But in this relatively meaningless football soap opera—which I watch at night to fall asleep—I did not need to see a needle go so far down the dude's nose that tears poured down his face. Let's all stick to ear piercings.

F: "Coochie" Board (The Redux)

Will every single Hard Knocks episode—from now until the end of time—reference charcoochie boards?

F-: The Rookie Show

What in the Gen Z f*ck was that? I won't even address the opening roll call. After that: it seems like the rookies set up some sort of Jackbox-esque party game to roast the entire team. But... it made no sense? ("It's 18 questions, bro.") If you're either a reader familiar with this game, or a literal rookie on the New York Jets, please email me. We need answers.

You Might Also Like

• Kid Cudi Is All Right

• 16 Best Shoe Organizers For Storing and Displaying Your Kicks