Hey, Jimmy Kimmel: I can predict your Oscars opening monologue
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The 2023 Oscars are almost here, and awards aficionados everywhere are scrambling to finalize their predictions. Who amongst us can best forecast the events that will take place at the Dolby Theatre on the night of Sunday, March 12? In the immortal words of NSYNC, it’s gonna be me.
No, not because I’m going to correctly predict all of the Academy Award winners. (I can virtually guarantee you that I’ll get Best Actor wrong.) Instead, I’m going to brilliantly predict host Jimmy Kimmel‘s Oscars opening monologue. Jimmy, here you go. And if you ask how I did it…well, great comedic minds do think alike.
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1. Good evening, and welcome to the wildest, craziest, overlong entertainment event being watched by people across the planet right now. But enough about “RRR.”
2. This is the 95th annual Academy Awards — and I’m your revolutionary leader, Jimmy Kimmel. The first time I hosted this show was six years ago. My, how things have changed. Back then, the worst thing you could give an Oscar presenter was the wrong envelope.
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3. In light of last year’s unfortunate incident, the Academy has taken measures to prevent future disruptions during the show. First, all of this year’s nominees had to sign an agreement “promising to be on their best behavior.” And they all complied … except for Colin Farrell. His response — and I quote — “Are you feckin’ serious?”
4. But don’t worry, Colin still made it in. He snuck past security disguised in such a way that not one person was able to recognize him. As Penguin from “The Batman” movie.
5. Additionally, all of tonight’s presenters were required to complete a basic self-defense course. Normally when you see that many celebrities being shown how to do a proper groin kick, it’s at the Stage Combat Academy on Victory Boulevard.
6. Finally, I was asked to be a “cautious comedian.” That is, one that tells jokes without punchlines.
7. With all of that said, the Academy’s goal is to return to a traditional and dignified ceremony – without screaming from anyone in the audience. Though that might be a bit of a challenge. After all, you picked this of all years to finally nominate Jamie Lee Curtis.
8. Congratulations, Jamie. And don’t worry. The only “Michael Myers” in a mask you might see tonight is the one who played Austin Powers, with a mild case of COVID-19.
9. Jamie Lee is just one of 11 nominations for “Everything Everywhere All at Once.” Wow. Eleven nominations. That’s more than Michelle Yeoh can even count on her hot dog fingers.
10. “Everything Everywhere All at Once” is among 10 outstanding motion pictures chosen by the Academy. And they showcase the best of what cinema has to offer. Drama, comedy and romance. Action, adventure and suspense. Big stars, exciting newcomers and previous Oscar winners. Not to mention worldwide box office grosses of more than a billion dollars. And that’s just “Top Gun: Maverick.”
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11. There he is – Tom Cruise. The man who “saved Hollywood’s ass.” Sorry that they didn’t save you a spot in the Best Actor lineup, Tom. If only Gwyneth Paltrow had gotten behind “Top Gun” the same way that she did “To Leslie.”
12. Speaking of “To Leslie,” congratulations to Best Actress nominee Andrea Riseborough. She had the backing of so many of the film industry’s most respected names. Kate Winslet called Andrea’s work “the greatest female performance I have seen in my life.” The same could be said about Kate in “Avatar: The Way of Water.” Talk about disappearing into a role. I couldn’t even tell which one she was.
13. “The Banshees of Inisherin” is up for nine Academy Awards. In the film, Brendan Gleeson decides to end his friendship with Colin Farrell – going so far as to cut off one of his own fingers every time Colin tries to contact him. Terrific performance, Brendan. But next time, just block him on Facebook.
14. Aside from “Banshees,” there are five other Irish nominees this year, including Paul Mescal – up for Best Actor in “Aftersun.” That’s a total of 14 Oscar nominations for Ireland. Irish eyes really are smiling. I’m just thankful that “Belfast” isn’t competing this year, or we might have been looking at another ugly night.
15. Oscar history was made this year. Steven Spielberg became the first person nominated for Best Director in six different decades. “The Fabelmans” is a beautiful coming-of-age drama about family, friendship, yearning and the love of cinema. It’s a movie that has “Oscar” written all over it. In fact, the working title was “The Goldmans.”
16. Another of this year’s Best Picture contenders: “Triangle of Sadness.” That’s what happens when you lose at the Golden Globes, the BAFTAs and the Oscars.
17. One way to win an Academy Award? By playing a famous 20th Century singer. Rami Malek won for playing Freddie Mercury. Renée Zellweger won for playing Judy Garland. And tonight, Austin Butler could win for playing Elvis Presley. I can already envision next year’s Best Actor campaign: “Colin Farrell IS Boy George.”
18. The comeback story of the year has got to be Brendan Fraser. Back in the 1990s, he was known for films like “George of the Jungle,” “The Mummy” and “Dudley Do-Right.” In last year’s “The Whale,” he was remarkably transformed into a reclusive, 600-pound gay man. Not only did he earn his first Oscar nomination, he finally got Ian McKellen to stop calling him.
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19. Another first-time nominee for Best Actor – Bill Nighy in “Living.” He plays a dying Englishman searching for meaning in his life. He later finds it when he strip-sings “Christmas Is All Around” on national TV in “Love Actually.”
20. Turning to the Best Actress category, all eyes are on Cate Blanchett in “Tár.” She’s going for her third Academy Award. That would put her in a rare class of triple acting Oscar recipients. It hasn’t been done since … well, Frances McDormand in “Nomadland” two years ago. And Daniel Day-Lewis in “Lincoln” before that. And Meryl Streep in “The Iron Lady” before that. And Jack Nicholson in “As Good as It Gets” before that. Come to think of it, Cate – you’re probably better off losing. Maintaining double Oscar winner status seems to be the rarer and more impressive feat these days.
21. If the Oscar doesn’t go to Cate, it could go to Ana de Armas for portraying pop culture icon Marilyn Monroe in “Blonde.” One Academy voter said that anyone who successfully played that role deserves a Best Actress Oscar. But don’t get your hopes up, Ana. That voter was Michelle Williams.
22. Returning as a nominee for the first time in almost 30 years — Angela Bassett. She was bruised, beaten and battered in “What’s Love Got to Do with It,” — and all it got her was a nomination. She ends up drowning in “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever.” So damn it — this time she’s expecting to win.
23. While Angela had to wait almost three decades for her follow-up nomination, there’s someone who had to wait even longer. Forty-two years after losing Best Supporting Actor for “Ordinary People,” a now 87-year-old Judd Hirsch has been nominated again, for “The Fabelmans.” If that doesn’t prove why a person should delay collecting Social Security, I don’t know what does.
24. It’s time to start handing out the awards. And good news, all 23 categories will be presented on tonight’s broadcast — including the short films. That was actually at my request. I just want to hear a movie named “My Year of Dicks” win an Oscar on live television.
25. Good luck to all of tonight’s nominees. We’re going to begin with the most unpredictable category – Best Supporting Actor. That’s right, nobody knows how last year’s Best Supporting Actress Ariana DeBose is going to pronounce the name Ke Huy Quan when she reads it on the card.
PREDICTthe 2023 Oscar winners through March 12
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